What to do when there is conflict (Siblings - Part 2)

If you’ve read part 1 of this series, you’ll already be aware of all the things that you can be doing to help your children get along.  (Click here to read part 1.)

But what should you do when your kids fight?  

Conflict between siblings is inevitable.  Regardless of how proactive you might be in helping them get along, there will always be moments when they disagree or argue.

So what do you do then?

Some people would advise you to ignore your children and leave them to sort it out for themselves.  

The problem with this approach is that children aren’t generally equipped from a young age to effectively engage in dispute resolution - they don’t have the cognitive skills or emotional regulation to be able to do this without some practice.  Unless they have learned effective negotiation and problem solving skills, they will still need our intervention.

Often if you leave your children to “sort it out” then the conflict will escalate to physical violence or harsh verbal abuse.  

Or, one child will become “dominant” whether physically or verbally and will exert their control over the over child -with the other child effectively assuming the victim role.  The dominant child assumes a bully role and starts to believe that that is the effective way to get what they want in the world - through physical or verbal abuse.  The victim child starts to believe that it’s not worth standing up for themselves and might suffer from self-esteem issues but also may believe that you’re not protecting them.

In short, ignoring your fighting children isn’t a good long-term strategy.

So that leaves you to get involved.  

But how?

First, you’ll need to take a deep breath to calm yourself down.  You cannot help your children if you yourself are emotionally charged and wound up.  Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your children are having a hard time and need your help.

Next, go to your children and intervene.  If you need to, get in between them so that they are physically separated.

Start by acknowledging what’s going on.  

Just saying “Wow.  You two are using some pretty loud voices right now, what’s up?” (or something similar) is sufficient.  

You’re not taking sides or guessing what they might be fighting about, you’re just literally acknowledging the fact they’re in conflict and trying to create space.

At this point, your children will most likely start to tell you their side of the story, and possibly at the same time.  

If they are younger children, try to connect with each one physically by touching some part of them - their arm, their foot, so they can feel your physical connection (older children might be resistant to this touch).  

If they try to speak at the same time, ask one of them to tell their side first, and let the other child know that they will have their turn to tell their story afterwards.

If your children are really emotional and wound up, they might need some time to calm down before being able to tell their side of the story.  If you sense that’s the case, suggest it to them “Why don’t we take a bit of time to calm ourselves down before we talk about what’s going on?”  Come back to the situation once they have calmed down.  

Remember, when your child is sharing their side of the situation, you are NOT taking sides, making judgements or problem solving.  You are literally just giving each child a turn to tell their side of the situation and listening to each one in turn.  This will help your children understand that people can perceive situations differently.

Once each child has voiced their side, you can re-state the dispute in neutral terms and repeat each child’s position/perspective/story so that they truly feel “heard” and understood.  This makes it easier for them to be open to solutions when it comes to the problem solving stage.  

If you can, describe the feelings that each child might be having, so that they have a greater awareness of the emotions involved - both for their own emotional intelligence but also to cultivate empathy for the other child.  

Then, let your children know that you are confident they will be able to find a mutually agreeable solution and ask them if they have any ideas.

Give each child a chance to offer their ideas.  Remind them that it has to be a mutually agreeable solution and if they offer a solution that seems more favourable to one person, ask them if they think that is going to be acceptable to the other child.  

After each idea of a solution, you could ask both children “What do you think?  Would this work?”  Children are remarkably good at coming up with their own solutions to problems when given the opportunity.  

If they both agree on a solution, then ask them to show some sign of agreement - a high five, handshake, pinky wrap or hug.  This also allows them to reconnect with their sibling physically, which will help repair their relationship.  For older children/teens, if it’s a repetitive conflict, you could get them to write down their agreement and sign it so it is there for future reference - a bit like a contract.

If their dispute involved physical or verbal abuse or other harmful behaviour, remind them of your rules around this kind of behaviour and that it is not acceptable.  You’re not trying to make them feel bad, you are just reminding them of your family values and rules.

If your children struggle to come up with solutions for their conflict, you could offer your ideas by saying “I wonder if…” or “Do you think xyz might be a way forward?”  You’re not forcing any solution on them, just offering it out there for consideration.  They will let you know if it is acceptable or not.

If they still can’t agree on a solution, then you may need to impose a solution on them.  Try to do it without taking sides or punishing the children.  

For example, if they are arguing over a toy and they can’t decide who should get to play with it, just let them know you’re going to take the toy away until they can come up with a mutually acceptable solution as to who gets to play with the toy first and for how long, etc.  

Or, if they are fighting because one child wants to play with the other and the other child doesn’t want them to, then once you’ve made each child aware of the other’s perspective and feelings, empathise with each child about their situation “I know you really wanted to play with your older brother and you feel sad that he doesn’t want to play with you.”  “And I know sometimes you just want to play on your own without your younger brother disrupting you or getting involved.  You find it annoying that your younger brother always wants to join in.”  Helping them feel understood and become aware of their own emotions as well as their siblings emotions is sufficient here - it is developing their emotional intelligence and as a result, they may respond differently the next time they are in the same situation.

Remember not to force your children to apologise to each other if they don’t do so voluntarily.  You cannot make your children feel sorry if they don’t and if they don’t, any forced apology will be superficial and insincere.  Rather, if one person was really wronged in the dispute, you could ask the other child to consider what they might do to make amends.  Again, allow your child to lead the thought process here - their ideas will be the ones that they are most likely to carry out and do so genuinely.

As your children get used to practicing their dispute resolution and negotiation skills with each other and learn to incorporate these into their sibling relationships, you will find that you will need to intervene less frequently in their conflicts as they will be able to resolve them on their own.  

In fact, once they are empowered with these life skills, our children can become very good at problem solving and working things out on their own.  As this happens, then “ignoring” your children becomes a useful strategy again - listen out and if the conflict does escalate, then intervene as outline above.