Connection & Interpretation

It's November 2020 and hard not to notice the level of disconnection that has become prevalent in everyday life, no matter where you are in the world.  Whether it's extended family members who can't give each other a hug, friends who are prevented from hanging out, or community members taking a step away from others in the street in passing.  It's disheartening and saddening.

One of our basic human needs is to feel connected to others.  It's as fundamental as food or shelter - we absolutely need it to thrive as a human being.  

Children need to feel connected to their parents.  And that connection, or strong relationship, is what motivates them to listen to you and internalize your values. 

When children feel connected to you, they are more cooperative and behave in line with your expectations.  Conversely, when they feel disconnected, they are generally more defiant, disruptive and disrespectful.

If you can see your child's behaviour as their way of communicating what's going on inside that they don't know how else to express, you are able to understand that when your child is defiant, disruptive or disrespectful, it's not because they are deliberately trying to be difficult or want to upset you.  They will, at least in part, be feeling disconnected to you. 

Re-establishing or strengthening that connection will be part of your solution to seeing better behaviour and/or increased cooperation.

The problem is when we get into a negative cycle with our child where we can't see what they're struggling to communicate and we instead interpret their behaviour to mean something it doesn't. 

We can make it mean something about us (that we're a bad parent or failing), something about them (they're naughty, mischievous, rude), or something about their future self (they won't have friends, they won't be loved, they won't succeed). 

Our thoughts and emotions get carried away, often to the point where it becomes impossible to come alongside our child, see their perspective and offer empathy, understanding and the reassurance of unconditional love.

If you find yourself in one of these moments, try to pause and take a brief moment to ask yourself whether what you are thinking or feeling is helping the situation.  Is it helping you?  Is it helping your child?

And if the answer to either is no, know that you can use your mind to make a conscious decision to let those thoughts and emotions go to make way for ones that DO serve you and your child.

This is part of our work as parents. 

To muster up the emotional and mental awareness in ourselves so that we can be the parent our child needs us to be. 

This takes effort and courage and not every parent will be willing to do the hard inner work required to truly be on their child's side instead of stubbornly staying in their own perspective.

I invite you to take a moment and really consider for yourself whether you are ready to do the work required to step into your best parent self.