Helping Kids Get Along (Siblings - Part 1)

“MAMA!!!” 

“He isn’t letting me play with him!” 

“She took my toy.”  

“He started it.”  

“No I didn’t.”  

Siblings…  *sigh*.

The fighting, bickering, blaming, perhaps even wrestling.  

Some people feel it’s just normal part of life and parents should just let them be and sort it out themselves.  

Others feel parents need to intervene.  

What is the positive parenting approach?  And how can we help them to get along in the first place?

I get wound up when my kids fight

When you decided to have a second, third or fourth child, part of your rationale for having another child probably included providing a playmate and sibling for your first child or existing children.  Not only does having a sibling provide a playmate and friend for life, it also teaches them valuable lessons about peer relationships, cooperation, sharing, compromise, etc.  

And so when we see our children in conflict, it can bring up some emotions in us as parents - not only are we sad (and frustrated!) to see them not get along, but often we might feel resentful that they don’t appreciate each other.  (‘We gave you a baby sister/brother to play with and all you two do is fight?!”). 

We also might have deep fears that they won’t find a way through and they won’t grow up to have a close, loving relationship as adults.  Or just fears about how they will ever learn to get along and make friends with other people if they can’t get along with their sibling?

It’s upsetting.  It’s often exhausting.

So why do siblings fight?

As is often the case with parenting, there could be a variety of reasons why this happens.  

Siblings might fight or argue because they are bored, restless, tired, or hungry.  

One sibling might provoke a fight with another to get out their emotions from an earlier event - whether related or not.  For example, if one child is struggling at school or had a squabble in the playground at nursery, they might come home and take out this frustration at another sibling at home.  It is often the case when we see aggression or dominance from one child that they are feeling helpless, frustrated, powerless or inadequate in some way.

The primary reason why siblings clash is because they are competing in some way - generally for your love, attention and approval.   

When children feel that they are unconditionally and uniquely loved and valued for who they are, and when you fill up their attention and approval buckets, they often do not feel the need to fight with a sibling.  Their self-esteem is strong, they feel good about themselves and they are happy to get along with others and play.

And of course you love each of your children independently.  And unconditionally.  That isn’t in question.

Whether your child FEELS it, sadly, sometimes fluctuates.

Here are some things you can do to help your child FEEL uniquely valued and approved of:

Descriptively praise your child, notice and acknowledge them when they demonstrate desired behaviour.  How often do we ignore our kids and get on with our to-do list when they are playing nicely and then explode at them when they start fighting or misbehaving?  When your children are playing nicely together, let them know that you notice and appreciate it.  

Avoid comparisons and labels, such as “You’re my best helper,” “He’s the lazy one” or “Look how messy your room is compared to your sisters!”.  Instead, make any observations about the child only “I appreciate your being helpful,” “Perhaps you were feeling a bit lazy this morning,” or “It seems to me your room might not be as tidy as it could be?”

Make sure you have Special Time with each child - one-on-one time with you.  Ideally doing something “enjoyable” like having a conversation, playing a game, going for a walk… but even if it’s running errands together, if they get your undivided attention then it still helps.

Establish family rules around sharing, cooperation and consideration for others and acknowledge your child when they demonstrate respect for these rules.

Be an emotion coach and help your child learn to identify their emotions, name them and constructively manage their feelings and any subsequent behaviours.  Our children have the same variety and depth of emotions as we do - but often, depending on their age and maturity, they may not have the self-awareness and/or vocabulary to be able to identify how they are feeling.  We need to help them understand that all feelings are normal and natural, that there is are words to describe and understand feelings and that by using these words, we can often then problem solve ways to make ourselves feel better.

And here are some ways you can encourage your children to get along:

Encourage them to have fun and play together - but don’t force it if they don’t feel like it.  Sharing positive moments together can help them build a close, positive sibling relationship.  Board and family games where children have to learn to take turns and handle winning and losing can also help develop their social skills.  

If your children don’t feel like playing together at a given moment, trust that they are sufficiently self-aware and respect their feelings.  Maybe they don’t want their little sibling to destroy what they are doing or maybe they just want to play on their own.  Forcing them to play together can result in resentment towards you and the other sibling, and shows distrust for your child’s decision making and autonomy.

Be a role model - show your children through your own behaviour how to be considerate of others, how to be cooperative, share, negotiate and problem-solve.  If you shout at your children, know that they will eventually shout at each other.  If you threaten them, they will threaten each other.  If you speak politely and respectfully to them, they will do so to each other.  Model the kind of behaviour you expect from your children with your partner/spouse, friends, as well as with your children. 

Consider having a “child of the day” - where each child has a turn at being your helper for the day, helping you with household duties such as setting the table, emptying the rubbish, feeding the pets.  And this child also has the benefit of making any decisions for the children that day - so what game they get to play first or what TV programme they watch.  As long as each child gets their turn at being the child of the day and it rotates evenly, your children should perceive this as fair.

And finally, although we would like to encourage our children to share, don’t force them.  

Imagine if you got a brand new handbag or coat and your partner asked you to share it with your best friend.  

SAY WHAT???

Sometimes, that’s how our children feel when we ask them to share a prized toy or possession.   

If it’s something that belongs to them only, then give them the decision making of whether they wish to share it or not.  And if not, help them find a place where they can keep their personal items.  If it’s a shared item, and one child is playing with it, teach your children that the child who was already playing with it can play with it until they are finished, at which point the other child can have their turn.  Try not to set arbitrary time limits (10 mins) but rather trust that they know when they are done.  

This will teach your children to take turns whilst also respecting their choices.  Often, you will find that with repeated experiences, your child will be aware that their sibling is waiting and will finish playing with the share toy sooner in order to let their sibling take a turn.

Generosity and compassion for others is a learned skill.  You cannot force your children to feel generous or compassionate.  You can teach them the situations in which they could demonstrate that behaviour.  Trust that with enough experience and your modelling and approval, they will come to understand and internalise that it feels good to be generous and compassionate and to have a close relationship with their sibling.

All of these things will help encourage your children to get along - why not try some of them out if you aren’t using them already?  

But, you’re wondering, what do I do when the inevitable fight/squabble does happen?  Should I intervene?  What if they get physical or violent?  

We’ll cover exactly how to handle their arguments and conflicts in part 2 of this siblings series.  Be sure to check back to this blog for that article coming soon or sign up to our newsletter here to be notified when it is released.