Why can't I see how good my child is?
Something you may not know about your brain and perception is that we are programmed to focus on the negative.
In simple psychology, it's called "negativity bias".
It sits in what's called the "reticular activating system" in your brain.
What it means is that you are more likely to focus on negative things, points, aspects, etc. than positive ones. It's your brain's comfort zone. It's what your brain is wired to do.
Think about this sentence: "The dog satt on the rug."
What did your brain see?
If your brain picked up the spelling mistake "satt" (instead of "sat") - it's because it's programmed to do that.
Not just because of what you've learned in school (although school just typically reinforces that negativity bias by focusing in on what you've done wrong and red ink).
It's how your brain is wired.
The thing is, when you "see" your children, you often do so with this "negativity bias".
Okay, perhaps generally NOT when they are sweet little babies and you're full of oxytocin love hormones and delusion-inducing sleep deprivation...
But when you've got a walking, thinking, talking child that looks to you like they "SHOULD" be able to (listen, behave, do xyz), your brain starts to focus on all the negatives. You tell yourself, they "should" be able to eat a meal without getting up. They "should" be able to put their shoes on and get out the door on time. They "should" be able to follow rules by now. They "should" be able to do their homework. They "should" be able to get along with their sibling. They "should" be able to fall asleep on their own. They "should"...
You focus on the number of times they get up from the table. The procrastination at getting dressed in the morning. The misbehaviour. The squabbling. The whining.
You focus on their lack of self-esteem. Their inability to share. Their inability to control their huge emotions. Their outbursts. Their tantrums. Their clinginess.
You worry about what this means. That they'll never learn. They'll never be able to... They'll always be (like this). That you're doing a bad job as a mother. That you're failing them. That you don't know how to help them. This is just your brain doing its thing.
The GOOD NEWS is that YOU can take back control of your own brain. You can teach it to focus on different things. And when you decide to do so, you experience the world (and your children) in a whole new way.
So when you decide to FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE, and say, you pick a trait in your child that you'd like to notice more - perhaps it's their kindness, generosity, curiosity, resilience, thoughtfulness, exuberance - whatever it is, when you decide you want to "see" it more, your brain will pay attention to that trait or characteristic.
You're telling your brain to refocus. And it will begin to listen.
So you'll start to notice more and more instances when your child demonstrates that particular trait or behaviour.
It's a bit like when you're thinking about getting a new car and all of a sudden you notice how many other people have that car you want... you never noticed so many of them on the roads before. It's because your brain is now paying attention to it and so you're seeing more of what you're focused on.
The same is true for your children and their behaviour. When you focus on the good, that's what you see more of. It's not that they all of a sudden behave better (although us noticing their good behaviour certainly can positively reinforce it and help). That good behaviour or positive traits were always there - you're just helping your brain pay attention to it.
So consider trying it out? Pick one (positive) thing about your child you'd like to notice more of. Perhaps it's a character trait. Perhaps it's a behaviour or habit they are building. Pick one, write down a reminder for yourself and stick it up where you can see it. And then notice how your brain starts to refocus.
If you struggle to see all the "good" in your child and you've found yourself focused on all the negative things or in a negative spiral with them, it can be exhausting and frustrating and often a rut that's really tough to get out of.
I can help you.
I can support you to uplevel your mind and parenting skills and the powerful combination of the two will mean that not only will you enjoy your child more, but you'll also feel confident as a parent and begin to bring out the best in your child so that they can reach their full human potential.
If that sounds good to you, I invite you to book a call with me so that you can tell me about what's going on and we can see if it's a good fit to work together. Even if we decide not to work together, you will leave the conversation with a better understanding of what's stopping you from being the parent you want to be and having that strong relationship with your child and what you can do to get back on track.
Book here: bit.ly/callmiki
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