Why and How to Set Limits & Routines

Are you routine-averse or a fan of structure? 

Most people have a preference for one or the other - Either you like feeling like there’s a grand plan or the thought of it makes you shudder.

Regardless of your own personal preference, you’ve probably heard that kids “need” to have structure in their lives.  And it’s true - we humans are creatures of habit and most people find comfort in predictability - especially children!

Children find structure comforting.  With their limited life experience and having big people telling them what to do all the time, having an idea of the bigger picture of what’s happening in their daily lives helps them to know not only what to expect, but also what is expected of them and to have the opportunity for personal autonomy.

That’s where, as parents, having limits and routines place can really be beneficial.  Because by doing so, you can encourage your child to become more independent and responsible, all while feeling “safe”.

So, what are limits and routines?

Limits are what most people refer to as “Rules”.  It’s likely that even if you are not consistent in enforcing them, don’t have anything documented or just like to be a free-spirit, you’ve still already established some family rules.  These can be things like:  We sit at the table when we eat our meals, we brush our teeth x times per day, we are allowed to have screens at x time.

Routines are those things we frequently do and generally happen each day.  Again, you likely already have some routines in place, especially around what happens in the morning (brush teeth, comb hair, change into clothes, make the bed, have breakfast, etc.) and at bedtime (bath, stories, cuddles, bed, etc.).

The Benefits of Limits and Routines

We’ve covered some of this ground already but here’s a quick list to convince you that these are useful things to implement in your family life:

• Kids like to know the parameters in which they exist - they like to have rules (even if they don’t like what the rules are) and they like to have some predictability in their daily schedule.

• Limits and Routines help children understand what is expected of them - therefore helping them to behave in ways you’d like them to.

• Having consistent limits and routines helps you understand where your child may still need your support in meeting your expectations - giving you the opportunity to “teach” them the skills they need.

• When kids know what is expected of them and feel empowered and capable to meet those expectations, they gain your attention, approval and it makes them feel good about themselves (i.e. helps build up positive self-esteem).

• Having set routines in place helps our kids feel in control (especially when there is some flexibility in how they follow the routines) and allows parents to take a step back from having to be involved in everything - a win/win for both sides.

• They help develop a sense of independence, responsibility and personal contribution.

• If kids don’t like a decision that is in line with your established limits, you can draw a line under the negotiation by saying “that’s our policy”.

How to establish limits and routines?

If you have school-aged children, the beginning of the school year is a great time to establish limits and routines in your family.  And even for younger children, the end of the summer generally means a change in the family schedule so it’s good to take advantage of this timing.

Even if you already have some in place, the end of the summer holidays is the perfect time to revisit your limits and routines to make sure that they are all still relevant, required and understood.

Starting from Scratch

If you don’t have anything documented yet, think about what you currently do in the mornings, evenings and at mealtimes.  This will give you a starting point for your current routine and you can use it to think about whether it’s all working perfectly as is or if there need to be some tweaks.

For little children, document routines and limits with pictures (you can write a text description next to the picture for your own reference if you are not super artistic). Or if you are super averse to drawing (stick figures work fine), then there are tons of free graphics on the internet you can print out and use.

For older children who can read and write, do this as a group activity - ask them what they think your limits and routines currently are, whether you all agree they are working (if not, what changes need to be made) and then ask them to document them. 

Children LOVE to contribute and as long as you are not expecting perfection, most kids would find it fun to play adult and write down the family limits and routines.  (They can also draw little pictures next to the descriptions if they want to make it more visually appealing.)

Don’t worry about documenting stuff that is going well, especially if there are no changes to make.  For example, if your kids are already doing their morning routine exactly the way you’d like, then you’ve taught them well and you don’t really need to document it. 

If, however, you find yourself nagging them every other day “have you brushed your teeth and made your bed?” then it’s probably worth you reinforcing these parts of the routine by documenting them. 

If it’s only one habit that’s you find your child is struggling with, you might focus on that - so, a common one is teeth brushing.  You could say that your child needs to remember to brush their teeth for a specific length of time (give them a timer).

For both limits and routines, it’s helpful to discuss all of them with your children and as a family so you know for sure you are all on the same page (hint:  ask little children, what are some of our rules?  Make it into a game - they will love telling you everything they know!).  But then only write down those areas that you need to focus on as a family.

Revisiting Exiting Limits and Routines

If you already have family “rules” in place and set routines, it is worth taking the time once or twice a year to revisit them and see if they are still relevant and working for you all.  It is all smooth sailing and are your children meeting your expectations without you having to remind, nag or plead?  Or are there certain areas of your routines that need a bit of focus?  Or limits than need amending?

For example, if your children are pretty good at their bedtime routine but you find that getting them transitioned to and started on the routine is sometimes tricky, you might all decide that you’ll have a certain time trigger when the bedtime routine starts.  This time trigger might be the same time each night (for example, 7 pm) or it might vary depending on the day’s activities.  It’s okay if the timings for routines vary, but it’s helpful for kids if the general order stays the same.  So, maybe one night the bedtime routine will start at 7 pm but another night at 7:30 pm, each night both routines involve having a wash, brushing teeth, getting into pj's, a bit of story or reading time and then lights out.  And there may be hard lights out time (e.g. 8 pm) so the routine has to move faster on some nights than others, or you might have varied lights out time. 

For many older children (tweens and teens), personal hygiene might become an issue so specifying which days they need to wash might help prevent any arguments about whether or not they need to wash. It might be days they do sport or it might just be Monday/Wednesday/Friday/Sunday - if they know which days are “wash days”, then that’s just how it is.  Of course, discuss it with them up front and come to a mutual agreement that you can both live with on what is an acceptable washing schedule. 

When you have limits and routines that the kids have wholeheartedly adopted and have ownership of, you don’t need to spell them out or even discuss them.  You might recognise how far your children have come and that you appreciate them being so responsible and independent.  But you don’t need to write these ones down.  Focus on the areas which are causing “issues” of any sort in your family.

Consider having limits for screens, what time the kids need to be home and what contributions they are expected to make to the family household.  These are important for children of all ages and will help you manage a lot of potentially tricky family situations.

And remember...

So… what are you waiting for?  Remember, even if you are routine and structure averse, children needs these in order to have the freedom to thrive in their own way whilst feeling safe within our boundaries.  They need known limits to know what is acceptable and not, and to know how far they can go.  And counterintuitively, they need our limits and routines to have the freedom to figure out what personal control they can have, where they can influence their own lives and how to behave in ways that we expect, notice and approve of. 

Humans like to feel certain and like to be right - children are no exception to this.  Limits and Routines provide that certainty.  Help your child be their best self!