When Your Child Refuses to Leave

“It’s time to go now.”

“No!”

“Yes, we need to go, NOW!”

“No!”

Oh boy.  If you have a child between the ages of 2-7 (or even older!), it can be tough to break them away from that fun thing that they are engaged in and get them to willingly leave when it’s time to go.

Maybe you’re at the playground and your young child is having fun on the swings and refuses to stop and get off.  Maybe you’re at home and your child is intent on finishing their jigsaw puzzle or lego build.  Maybe you’re at the school pick-up and your child is insisting they personally inspect every piece of child artwork on display on the walls before they leave the building!

For parents, this can be a major source of frustration and annoyance and often leads to unpleasant interactions with your child. We can’t understand why our child won’t come with us when we ask them to, why they are so uncooperative, why they have to make it into a big deal (every single time!) and why, oh why, can’t they just understand that IT’S. TIME. TO. GO - NOW!

After all, there are so many things to do, places we need to be and only so many hours in the day!  Don’t they get this already?!

The things we try

What might ensue is a type of power struggle between you and your child.  You might try bribing (if we go now you can have/do X).  You might try threatening (if you don’t come with me, we will not come back again/do that fun thing we were planning to do/etc.). You might try punishing (right, now you will have time out).  You might try pleading with them (come on, you know we need to leave…).  You might try raising your voice or shouting at them (“COME HERE NOW!). 

And your child?  There are many ways they respond to you in that moment, but I am pretty certain that most of the time it doesn’t involve surrendering their stubbornness and happily cooperating with you to leave!

So, instead of all those ineffective (and often subconscious) tactics that we automatically default to when we’re faced with an uncooperative young child, here are some strategies to try out instead:

Anticipate the Situation

If you know that you’re going to be going somewhere super fun and your child is likely to have a tough time leaving when it’s time to go, then using this anticipation to proactively manage the situation will definitely be to your advantage! 

Have a chat before you even set out the door for the day.  Discuss:

• what’s going to happen
• where you are going
• how at some point it will be time to leave
• how they are probably not going to want to leave, and
• what you might be able to do to help them at that point.

Then, ask them for suggestions and get their input so they feel they have some control and a say in the situation.  If they are really little or struggle to come up with ideas, then you could offer some for them, such as agreeing to a special hand signal or having a code word that only you two know about that reminds you both of your agreement that it’s time to leave. 

If you let your child come up with the hand signal or code word, they will be more likely to remember what it means and honour your agreement when you use it.

Warnings

Along the same lines of chatting through the situation beforehand, giving a pre-warning often helps a child prepare mentally for the upcoming transition. 

Avoid giving a warning in terms of time (“you have 5 more minutes”) as this is a concept that most children don’t really understand.  Instead, give a warning in terms of the activity they are engaged in “You can have one more go on the slide” or “You can do two more pieces of your puzzle/lego”. 

When you give a warning in terms of the activity, not only are you acknowledging that they are in the middle of doing something that they are enjoying, but you are also giving them a concrete timescale. 

Then, make sure you follow through and stay firm with the limits that you have set.  If you let them have two turns on the slide instead of one because you are distracted chatting to other parents or responding to that email, then your child will be even more reluctant to listen to you and cooperate when you do eventually remind them again that it’s time to go.  And the next time you need them to leave a place and give them a warning, they will not take you seriously because they will have learned that the warnings you give them are flexible.

Get Them Excited About What’s Happening Next

Say you are trying to get your child to leave somewhere (like the playground) because it’s time to go home for dinner.  Instead of saying “we’ve got to go in for dinner now,” offer them a role in what’s happening next so that they can see how it might be fun for them. 

Little children love to help out and feel useful, so you could say “would you like to help me cook the pasta or lay the table?”  Either option is fun, involves spending time with you and contributing, and neither option gives your child the option to stay. 

Similarly, if you need to leave a place because you are going shopping, you can ask your child to get involved.  “Would you like to help me put the coin in the trolley/push the trolley/scan the items/find the items?”  Tailor your offer to the age and stage of development of your child.  Give them something to be responsible for, make them involved and when you make the offer, make it sound as fun as possible.  Have energy in your voice and be open with your body language and you will find that they will take your positive energy and be more willing to come along with you and leave their current activity.  (Article continues below the box.)

What if they still refuse?

If your child still struggles to leave when you need them to, then rather than let yourself get frustrated, find your empathy and engage empathetically with your child.  Let them know that you totally understand how much they want to stay where they are and continue what they are doing.  Let them know that you get it - you see how much it means to them to stay and how they can’t imagine leaving at this moment. 

You’ll probably find that just by offering them this empathetic understanding, you will have connected emotionally with your child and they will be more willing to cooperate with you and leave (even if it is still reluctantly).

If your child is calm enough and you think it might help, you can always offer an idea of when they might be able to return to their current activity.  However, if your child is really upset or in a tantrum, know that this won’t help in the moment and might actually make the situation temporarily worse as they are full of emotion at that point and any rational communication will not be able to penetrate their logical brain systems.

You’re in control… of yourself

The more you can anticipate these types of situations, the more proactive you can be in your parenting to help your child prepare in advance for these tough transitions.  However, we can’t always anticipate situations and we all have days where things just don’t go to plan. 

So if your child struggles to leave a place, in the moment, try to remind yourself that you are in control - of yourself.  You can only truly control yourself and how you react to and interact with your child.  You cannot control your child or their behaviour. 

Remember that you’re the adult and that staying calm and connected with your child will serve you better in the short and long term over any of the “old school” techniques your parents used on you. Avoid the shame, blame, guilt, and punishments.  If you give your child understanding, respect, and unconditional love, they will be far more cooperative the next time you need to leave.