3 Things to Avoid Saying & Doing When Your Child Won’t Go To Pre-School

Do you ever have one of those mornings when everything seems difficult? 

Maybe you wake up a bit late or are conscious you have an important appointment to get to.  And that’s the morning that your child makes a fuss about what socks you chose for them, that you poured milk into their cereal bowl and OUCH! Mama, I DON’T want my hair brushed!!!

And to top all that off, your child adamantly declares that they DON’T. WANT. TO. GO. TO. PRE-SCHOOL!!!

Sigh.

In these moments, we’re in a rush, need to get on with the day and often don’t have the time or patience to “deal” with the issue, which often makes the whole situation worse.  How do our kids magically know when it is the worst time to kick up a fuss?  How can they magically sense that we’re in a rush, distracted or running late?

I see it all the time when I drop my toddler off at pre-school.  Mothers needing to get somewhere and their pre-schoolers clinging onto their legs for dear life or crying inconsolably. 

Talk about inflicting mama-guilt!  Wow. 

And often, us well-intentioned, loving and logical mamas say and do things in the moment that don’t really help us - or the situation. 

Here are 3 Things to Avoid Saying/Doing When Your Child Won’t Go To Pre-School:

Don’t ask the Why/What Questions

“Why don’t you want to go?”

“What are you upset about?”

“What’s the problem this morning?”

As adults, these questions come out of our mouths all too easily and we often don’t even realise we’re firing away with them!  When your child is having a hard time and doesn’t want to go to pre-school, in that moment there could be and probably are a whole host of reasons why they’re feeling that way and kicking up a fuss. 

It might be that your child just wants to stay home with you that day.  That they are feeling a bit disconnected from you and wishes they could have more time with you.  That they think it would be more fun to do the thing they were thinking about doing (playing with their toys, hanging out with you, etc.) rather than going to pre-school. 

If you’re a stay at home mama with a young baby at home, they might know that you’ll be home and struggle to understand why they can’t also stay home and get your attention like the baby does. 

It might be that they are feeling anxious about being at pre-school.  Even if they have been there lots of times before or it’s halfway through the school year, they still might have that uneasy feeling you can get before you go into a different place. 

Maybe there are some new kids who have joined.  Maybe some good friends who have left.  Maybe some of the kids they usually play with have started to play with other people or other toys that they’re not interested in and it just feels - different.

Or maybe at pre-school, there is a routine and rules that must be followed, and your child doesn’t feel like falling into line that day.  After all, following their routines, rules and being conscious of your own social conduct (e.g. sharing toys, taking turns) takes quite a lot of effort and energy for a young child. 

Maybe they just wish they had the freedom of hanging out at home for the day - it could be a simple as the child’s version of an adult not wanting to go to work for the day but wishing it was the weekend instead.

With all of these possibilities for why your child is acting up or resisting going to pre-school, the main thing you need to know is that they probably DON’T KNOW what those reasons are or can’t clearly articulate them if they do.   All they know is that it boils down to they don’t want to go.  Asking them lots of questions in the moment isn’t going to give them clarity or help the situation, so don’t do it!

Don’t Dismiss Feelings

“But you love it here!”

“I’ll bet you’re going to do lots of fun stuff today!”

“Look, all your best buddies are here.”

If you divert their attention to the stuff they’ll be doing, or go in with logic about all the reasons why they should want to go to pre-school, you are inadvertently dismissing the feelings that your child is having in that moment.  You are potentially avoiding the issue and trying to convince them that they really ought to want to go in. 

Now, for any rational thinking person, these tactics should work, but when you’re dealing with children, they don’t.  And the reason they don’t generally work is that in that moment, your child’s brain is fully engaged in FEELING.  And you’ll know, as a mature adult, that even if you try to dismiss a feeling or ignore it, that doesn’t make it go away.

In the moment, your child is full of their emotions and their logical/thinking brain is being suppressed by their emotional brain.  So when you go in with all the logical reasons for why they shouldn’t be feeling the way that they are, it’s really tricky to actually make those words get through and connect. 

Think of it as a square peg in a round hole.  There’s nothing wrong with the square peg by itself, but the round hole just can’t take it in.  There are no receptors in the brain that are ready to accept all your perfectly good reasons for why they shouldn’t be feeling the way that they are.

Don’t Guilt-Trip

“Mama is late for work”

“The baby needs feeding, I have to get back”

“Look, none of the other children are making a fuss.”

Oh, it’s SO SO easy to do this one!  We really don’t mean to guilt-trip our little child, but we do it so easily in the moment without really thinking about what we’re saying. 

Listen, it happens.  And if you’ve done this, don’t beat yourself up about it.  I don’t need to tell you that it isn’t a very effective strategy because you already know that. 

Yes, sometimes it can work to get our child to do what we need them to do, but try to remember the last time someone guilt-tripped you into doing something - how did it feel?  Exactly.  Enough said.  Don’t do it.

So, what can you do instead?

Take a Deep Breath

When your child tells you that they don’t want to go to pre-school or, more likely, that they ARE.NOT.GOING. to pre-school, take a DEEP BREATH.

Give yourself a moment to take in what your child is saying and to figure out how best to react.  Taking a deep breath gives you the space to do so. 

A deep breath can also change your physiology if you immediately went into “React” mode upon hearing your child’s words and bring you closer to a calmer state.  This is especially helpful if you’re already experiencing elevated stress levels from a hectic morning or appointment deadline.

Offer Understanding

Remember that your child is in a FEELING state and so meet them at their level. 

Try to imagine how your child is feeling and what might be some possible reasons why they don’t want to go to pre-school and offer them understanding by way of empathetic statements.

“You really don’t want to go to pre-school today.”

“I can see you really feel sad at the moment.”

“Perhaps you think it’s unfair that baby gets to stay with mummy.”

“I wonder if you’re unsure what’s going to happen/who is going to be here today.”

“You wish that you could stay at home and play with your train set instead.”

You may not get it 100% right, but if you start with an understanding statement and empathetic tone of voice, your child will feel that you understand or are at least trying to understand them.  They may even offer you some clarity on how they are feeling, especially if you do get it right. 

What you really need your child to know is that IT IS OKAY to feel the way that they do and they are not a bad person for feeling that way.  You are validating their feelings.  You need them to know that you get it - you understand their position and accept it. 

That doesn’t mean you agree with it or that they don’t have to go to pre-school.  It just means you understand.  Most of the time, you will find that your understanding and acceptance is all that is required for your child to calm down and do what they need to do - i.e. go into pre-school.

Stay Firm in What’s Required

Let’s be clear that just because your child doesn’t want to go to pre-school, doesn’t feel like going or is making a big fuss about going, doesn’t mean they don’t have to go.  They do.  You know it and they know it. 

So when you offer understanding and empathy to how your child is feeling, they will often calm down and happily (or much less reluctantly) leave you.  (And you’ll be left wondering what all the fuss was about!)

But what if they don’t?  What if they still refuse to go to pre-school?  What are you supposed to do then?

If they don’t calm down and are still adamantly refusing or in hysterics, just stay firm.  Let them know it’s now time to go into pre-school and when you’ll be back to pick them up.  Avoid stating a time, as young children struggle with the concept of time, so instead give them a routine marker to let them know when you’ll be back - e.g. after lunch, after naptime, after snack time, etc.

“It’s time to go inside now.  I’ll pick you up after naptime.”

You don’t need to fluff it up anymore, add any drama or get upset.  Just state what they need to do and when you’ll be back. 

If you want, you can add in something they can look forward to doing with you later in the day - e.g. “After I pick you up we can stop at the playground on the way home.”  But only do this if you can keep your word and follow through on whatever idea it is that you propose.

Your child might still be upset when they go into to pre-school and you might still feel like THE. WORST. MAMA. EVER. for leaving them in that state.  More likely than not, 5 minutes after you leave they’ll have gotten over the separation event and be happy playing with the toys or their friends. 

And as long as you’ve given them your understanding, empathy and stayed firm with your requirements, they will have had the opportunity to process their emotions and come out with some life learnings:

• That sometimes we have to do what we don’t want to or don’t feel like doing.
• That sometimes even if we are reluctant to do something, it turns out okay.
• That sometimes we have to face our anxiety or fears straight on and find the inner strength to push through them and come out on the other side.
• That having uncomfortable emotions doesn’t make us a bad person or wrong.
• That the person we love understands us and accepts us unconditionally, no matter what feelings we have or behaviour we display.
• That the person we love will always be there for us, even if there is a brief separation.

Your child will be fine and perhaps even wiser for having gone through that experience with you.

So shrug off that mama guilt and go BE the person that you want to be and DO the things you need to do to feel like you’re showing up and moving forward in the world.  You’ve got this!!!