What your Tween/Teen WANTS

“You just don’t understand!!!”

Do you remember saying this to your own parents during your childhood or adolescence?  Or has your tween to teen already yelled out this phrase in exasperation?

As a parent, this is one of those really frustrating phrases our kids can say.  

Partly because it stops the conversation dead in its tracks - I mean, how do you respond to that?  You can’t.  Your child doesn’t even want you to, as at that point, you’ve lost your chance and they’ve already given up on you.

And partly because it’s really tough not to take it personally.  Of course we’re trying to understand (what’s going on with our child, the situation they are describing, the inner thoughts they are sort-of revealing), we often think we might understand, and we certainly want to understand.  

But when they utter those words “you just don’t understand!” it really is so disheartening to hear. 

What’s also disheartening is that research has shown that more than half of 10-11 year olds feel that they can’t talk to their parents about everything.  They feel that their parents won’t understand, won’t listen to them or will react badly.  And the percentage drops dramatically further for teenagers.

And yet, when asked, tweens and teens consistently say that the one thing they want from their parents is for them to “understand”.

So why does this disconnect happen if, as parents, we have the best of intentions and genuinely want our children to continue to talk to us and tell us things as they get older?

Here are 5 things that we parents do that close the lines of communication with our tweens and teens.

1. We lecture instead of listen.

How often has your child come to you and told you about a bad decision they made or a mistake, error of judgement or interesting social situation and instead of just listening to their story and helping them reflect on their actions, you have unintentionally and automatically started giving them a lecture on why they were in that situation to begin with, what they should have done instead, or what they should do the next time, etc etc etc?  

Often we feel the need to “teach” our children, to tell them what they should do or should have done.  We give them a lecture or issue instructions.  We are so firmly set in our role as a “parent” that we forget that part of that role is also just listening to our child and allowing them to speak freely, without judgement or lessons to be learned.  

Your tweens and teens will learn the necessary life lessons by themselves.  They will listen more to their experiences than to our words.  Your role is to be there for them - to listen.  To ask questions that help them self-reflect.  And questions that show that you are truly interested in what they are saying.

2. We punish instead of problem solve.

If your child comes to you and tells you something that they’ve done that was “bad’, only for you to issue a punishment, consequence or remove privileges, then you can be quite sure the next time they do something that they think you might not approve of or will get upset about, they most certainly won’t be telling you about it. 

When you take stuff away from your tween or teen, like their precious phone, as a consequence for a misbehaviour or poor judgement, you weaken your relationship with your child.  And when your relationship is weakened, your child is less likely to want to listen to you and cooperate with your requests.  It’s a downward spiral that’s tricky to get out of once started and is likely to keep both of you upset with each other rather than allow you to make amends and move forwards.

Instead, try to help your child reflect on their actions and allow them the opportunity to problem solve their way to fixing their mistakes.  How can they make amends?  How can they show their remorse?  Let them know that you have faith in them and that you believe they are sufficiently mature and responsible to repair what might have been broken - whether that be trust, relationships, or something physical.  

Doing this also helps your child develop their self-esteem.  If you behave in a way that tells your child you know they can problem solve and make amends for their mistakes or misbehaviour, they will see themselves as someone who “can”.  Someone who can make mistakes (because we all do), AND who knows how to fix them or make amends.  So that they internalise that just because they made a mistake or misbehaved, that does not mean they are a failure or a bad person.  And that you still love them unconditionally, regardless of their actions.

3. We dismiss instead of keeping an open mind.

Sometimes when our children say something we don’t want to hear, we automatically dismiss it by saying “You don’t mean that” or “what a silly idea”.  

Perhaps your tween has expressed a study path that you hadn’t expected - like becoming an art apprentice instead of pursuing a university degree.  Or maybe your teenager has said that they hate you and wished they had a different family.  

There are many instances when our maturing child might say things that we find really tricky to hear and, especially if it goes against our own thoughts and dreams or provokes our inner fears, we can often be very quick to dismiss them.  “You’re still too young to know.” Or, “You have no idea what you’re saying.”  

Imagine, if someone said those same things to us?  Especially someone we loved deeply?

When you dismiss your child’s thoughts or opinions, it immediately stops the conversation.  It tells your child that you are not willing to understand their perspective, their interests, their dreams.  It tells them that you do not value and are unable to consider their point of view.  And it can be pretty disheartening for a tween or teen to feel that they can’t share their emerging self with their own parents.

So, instead, try to keep an open mind when your child says something that you might not want to hear or that you disagree with.  Just listen to what they have to say.  It’s your role to actively and openly listen to them.  Ask questions to help you understand why they might have the perspective or ideas that they do.  Challenge yourself to be a detective and understand more of why they have said the things they have.  To better understand your child.  

You do not have to agree with everything they say, nor do you have to support all their ideas.  But if you can’t even show them that you are willing to listen and to understand, you will lose their respect and confidence and they will think twice before sharing their thoughts or opinions with you the next time.  

You want your tween or teen to always feel that they can express themselves in front of you - and that you will listen and love them regardless of what they say.  It’s all part of keeping the lines of communication open as they navigate the sometimes tricky adolescent years.  

4. We offer solutions instead of support.

Those times when our children come to us and tell us about their dilemmas, or problems they are having at school or with friends, are particularly tricky for us to remember that these are not our problems to solve for them.  Sometimes they just need to offload and for us to listen.  

Have you ever had a bad day at work or string of frustrating things that have happened and at the end of the day you just want to offload and tell someone about it?  Not for them to ask you questions (What did you do then?  How did it happen?).  Not for them to tell you what you should have done (Did you try doing this?  Did you think about that?)   And not for them to offer advice (Next time you should try …! If I were you, I would have …).  No.  Sometimes you just need to tell someone, to get it out of your system, to help you process what has happened.  Often, just by offloading you automatically feel better or are able to come to your own solutions.  You just need a friendly face and an empathetic ear.

The same is true for our tweens and teens.  Sometimes they just need that friendly face and empathetic ear.  They want to offload.  To feel supported to verbally process out loud, without interruption, without questions or receiving advice.  Just doing that might make them feel better or help them come up with their own strategies for their next steps.  

This is really tricky for us to do as parents.  We are desperate to help our children.  We hate seeing them struggle, feel disappointed, hurt, angry or upset.  So often we just want to fix things for them.  And so we offer solutions.  And even if they are the right solutions, if they are unsolicited, they are unwanted solutions and will not be what your child needs from you.  They just need you to listen, understand and offer compassion.  

5. We’re available on our terms instead of when we’re needed.

Smartphones, tablets, laptops and other devices are an integral part of our daily lives.  It’s an issue that we are all having to navigate carefully when raising our children.  Regardless of whether you are addicted to your phone or able to have limits, when your tween or teen comes to you and wants to talk, it’s crucial that you are able to break away and put down your screen.  

Similarly, if you are busy cooking, rushing the kids through the evening routine to get them to bed on time or busy multitasking trying to finish that work report that didn’t get done in the office, and your tween or teen decides that that’s the time to chat, you need to be able to pause or else commit to a time in the very near future when you will be available for them - and then be sure to follow through with it.

Our children often pick the most inconvenient times to want to talk to us.  Frequently, for tweens and teens, it’s late at night when we are exhausted and just want them to go to bed so we can have some downtime ourselves and a moment to “not be a parent” and just exist (or go to bed ourselves!)

Our tweens and teens are often too busy during the day or occupied with their lives that they don’t want to engage and open up to us when we think it makes sense to - times like when they come home from school, when we’re driving them to activities or at the dinner table.  However, when they get into bed and lie there, all their thoughts start rumbling about in their head and they begin to process the events of the day.  And that’s often when they want to reconnect with us, to feel the safety of still being a child and have the sounding board of their parents. 

During the tween and teenage years, our children shift from looking to us for guidance to looking externally at their peers for approval.  So if we cannot provide the compassionate ear they need when they do turn to us, they will inevitably turn elsewhere for that same support.  Which is not what you want when you are hoping to maintain a close, open relationship with your child.

If your child reaches out to you and tries to start up a conversation, they are making an attempt to reconnect and also letting you know that they still need you and value your advice.  Whatever they want to talk to you about will be important to them, even if it seems trivial to you.  It’s crucial for your relationship and to keep the lines of communication open that you stop what you are doing and make time to listen to them.  No matter how busy or exhausted you are or how inconvenient it is, make yourself available.  You won’t regret it.

“I just wish my parents would understand. (sigh)”

Your tween/teen just wants you to understand them.  Countless surveys of tweens and teens have all revealed the same conclusion.

To know who they are, to be interested and to love and value them for who they are right now.  Not who they used to be or who you hope they will become.  Just who they are now.

You role as a parent is to be there for them when they need you and allow them to test and develop their independence when they don’t.  

To let them experience the world and figure things out for themselves.  

To make mistakes and learn how to fix them and recover from them.  

To support them and offer compassion when they struggle and to let go and have faith when they need to stand alone.  

You do this by keeping those lines of communication open.  By understanding.  By offering your unconditional love and staying available even when it’s inconvenient.