What to say instead of No

 Have you ever stopped to listen to yourself talk to your kids and realised that you’re constantly saying “No”?  Or have you ever had a day where you’ve felt that that’s all you’ve been saying all day?

Whether you’ve got a toddler or teens or a child in between, it’s very easy for us parents to slip into saying “No” a lot.

“No, you can’t have that.” 

“No, it’s your turn now.” 

“No, it’s not time for that now.” 

“No throwing sand.” 

“No you can’t have an ice cream.”

“No TV.” 

And if it’s not “No” we’re saying, oftentimes it’s “Don’t” instead. 

“Don’t touch that.” 

“Don’t run. 

“Don’t throw sand.” 

“Don’t you know better by now?”

“Don’t you dare.” 

“Don’t make me angry.” 

“Don’t even think about it.”

The problem with “No” and “Don’t"

The thing is, (and you have probably already realised this), saying “No” and “Don’t generally isn’t very helpful.  It generally doesn’t solicit a nice response from our child, it often doesn’t enlist their willing cooperation and it can often erode, momentarily or longer, our relationship with our child.

Using the words “No” or “Don’t” closes off possibilities. 

It’s the end of discussion. 

A hard stop. 

Which is often the effect we want when we say it, but the other effect it can have is that it can often provoke a stress response in our child - causing them to have an outburst, tantrum or other strong-emotion response.  Which gives us a different situation to manage.

Another problem with using these words, especially for younger children, is that when we use these words, we often are telling our child what NOT to do or what CAN’T be done, rather than what TO do and what CAN be done. 

When we give our children instructions on what NOT to do, it doesn’t actually tell them what to do instead.  And their little brains have to translate that language from “okay, I can’t have that” to “so can I have this?”

What to say instead of “No” and “Don’t”

The more information we can give our children about what they CAN do, the more receptive they will be to receiving that information.  So, instead of saying “Don’t run” we can say “Walk please”.  Or “Yes, you can have an ice cream after lunch” instead of “No, you can’t have an ice cream”.

When we respond positively to our children and use affirmative and informative language, not only are they receptive, they are then also equipped with information on what they CAN do or what CAN happen. 

So, instead of saying “No” or “Don’t,” try the following:

Start with “Yes” and what they can do. 

“Yes, you can have an ice cream after lunch.” 

“Yes, you can go out to play when you’ve finished tidying up.” 

“Yes, you can watch TV when you’ve done your homework.”

Empathise

“I can see you really want an ice cream right now.”

“I know you’re desperate to go outside and play.”

“I bet you were hoping you could watch TV sooner.”

Make a statement

“We’re about to each lunch right now.”

“We tidy up our toys when we’re finished playing with them.”

“Our rule is that homework comes before TV”

Ask a question

“My goodness, look what time it is.  What do you think we’re about to do?”

“Eek, look at these toys.  Remember what we have to do with them?”
“Hmm, I wonder if you know what has to be done before TV time?”

Buy Time

If you can’t think of how to respond with affirmative and informative language, or you’re not sure how you want to respond to your child’s request, then you can always just buy yourself some time by saying “Let me think about it.” 

 This tells your child you’re considering their request but also lets them know that you don’t always have an immediate answer, which is a great lesson.  A word of caution - this generally works better with slightly older children who probably have a bit more impulse control and language comprehension.

And yes, sometimes we do need to prevent our child from imminent danger or taking action.  Like when they are about to step into a road or clobber another child.  But even in that situation, rather than saying “Don’t run into the road” or “No hitting,” you could instead just say “STOP!”  Avoiding both “No” and “Don’t”.  STOP tells them exactly what to do. “STOP there!”  Or “STOP! Remember to be kind.”  “STOP before you hurt someone!” 

Making small changes in the way we express ourselves and respond to our children can make a massive difference in the tone of our communication as well as our overall relationship with them. 

 It can stop an atmosphere of spiraling negativity and oppression and open up lighter ways of speaking to one another and interacting.  Imagine, when responding to your child about something they want but can’t have in that moment, they graciously accepted your response and went on happily with their day?  And what a contrast that is to them having a major outburst at the injustice of it all….