What do YOU need to THRIVE?

Have you ever thought about what it takes for you to THRIVE as a person? Not as a mother or wife, but as a woman and individual – for YOU?

Too often, when we become parents we prioritise our children and our families above our own well-being. Whilst it is great to prioritise our children and families, we also need to prioritise ourselves as well and ensure that we are thriving as a person so that we can then show up for our kids and families and be the kind of parent we want to be.

I personally have always really struggled with prioritising myself over my kids and family.  It might be a cultural thing, or perhaps just a character trait, but for most of my life I have tended to consider others before myself.  And when I became a mother, it just accentuated, and I often find myself putting the needs of my children, family and clients first and above my own.  Perhaps to my own detriment.

I remember when my children were still very little and I went back to work full time, I felt the need to be a super-woman. I woke up early to get myself ready before the kids got up, then focussed on them – getting them ready, breakfasted, etc.  Quick cuddles and drop off at nursery school, then mad rush on the train to get to the office.  After a busy day at the office cramming everything into 9-5, I’d rush back on the train to pick up my babies, get them home, fed, washed and then have a moment to play/read/cuddle.  After their bedtime, it was then time to feed adults, clean the house, do the laundry, then get on some conference calls and do more work before finally collapsing into bed somewhere around midnight. 

There was no “down” time as such, no time on the sofa to read, watch TV or just chill out.  Exercise sessions, if they happened, were crammed into lunch hours and lunchtime was also the girlfriend catch-up time.  But both of these were very much an afterthought, and certainly not my main priority.  I ran on this hamster wheel for 3 years before I ever stopped to think about what I was doing, what my own needs were, whether and how I was meeting them to be an individual person, as well as a mum, career woman and wife.

Nowadays, I am fortunate enough to live in a place where most of the women in my community are actually very good at prioritising themselves and ensuring that they do what they need to do to feel good. 

Many of them are athletic and always manage to fit in a run, hike, swim, bike ride, etc.  Some are good at meeting up with girlfriends for a coffee or drink or combining the drink with some form of exercise.  Others yet are great at juggling work demands and family life, and despite the constant struggles and guilt, get immense satisfaction from their careers.

I have learned a lot from these women, many of whom are mothers.  Whereas years ago I might have considered their behaviour as selfish or sad for their children, I have actually learned that it is possible to prioritise yourself as much as you prioritise your family.  I have learned that by doing so, you do not become a bad mother or are not being overly selfish.  I have learned that yes, children might be sad that you are away (or might not notice at all if they are having fun doing what they are doing!), but that modelling this behaviour for them and showing them that you are an independent person and someone beyond their mother is so important.   I have learned that it does take practice, and that it becomes easier the more you do it – not only because you feel better about yourself, who you are and the life you are living, but because your partner and children respect you more when you show yourself respect and prioritise yourself.

Take a quiet moment and really have a good think - what would it take for you to feel like you were thriving? What do you need in your life to feel like a whole person again and not just a mother?

Perhaps you are feeling underappreciated by your partner or children, or are constantly stressed and overwhelmed by daily life or family demands.  Or maybe you have a young baby or ill child and are exhausted from having your sleep interrupted.  Or maybe you’ve been so focused on your children, family and work that you’ve “forgotten” to look after yourself and can’t remember the last time you did something for “you”….

Depending on where you are at the moment, you might need to take little steps to get you to that happy place!  Here are some ideas of things you can do:

• Have a sneaky cat nap
• Book a haircut/facial/massage
• Take an uninterrupted shower or read a magazine in the bath
• Book an exercise session in your calendar – go for a walk/run, book a PT/class, or just do a HIIT session in your living room
• Read a good book for pleasure – not related to your job, self-help or parenting!
• Learn a new skill or instrument – taken an online course or watch some YouTube videos
• Schedule a date night with your partner – get a babysitter and go out
• Book a girls night out or a coffee date (without kids)
• Call your bestie and have good natter
• Look for a new job / volunteer opportunity
• Start gardening – grow something in your garden or in a window box
• Schedule a heart-to-heart chat with your partner – let them know what you need in your life to feel like you are thriving and how they can help support you

 Whatever it may be, try to carve out some time in your busy parental life and ensure that YOU are doing what it takes for YOU to THRIVE!  I think you'll find that your partner and children will respect and appreciate you more if you do so!  And I guarantee you WILL DEFINITELY feel better as a person and be a more deliberate parent as a result.