What Are Your Expectations?

How Understanding Yourself can Impact Your Parenting 

Earlier in the year, I went away on a week-long business trip, which was AMAZING.  It was THE.THING that I needed to recharge my mind and energy, and it gave me the much-needed space to re-focus and prioritise my personal life goals.

It was my version of self-care.  In a big way.  I hadn’t done a week-long trip away from my family and the kids in over 8 years and I knew it was long overdue.

I then came home to 3 kids on school holidays and my husband, who, despite his best efforts at juggling work and family, had decided that housework was optional in my absence.  Let me just say that I walked into an almighty tip, 3 very emotionally charged children and a husband who was ready to hand over the reins.

Now, I know that this is a common theme for us mamas. We take some well-deserved “me” time to do whatever it is that recharges us, but somehow coming back feels like punishment for having been gone!  I spent a whole day cleaning the house with my kids - not tidying, cleaning - and I learned a good lesson. 

You see, having been with my husband for over 15 years, I should know by now that cleaning is not his priority.  Every single time I have been away, I have come home to dirt.  It doesn’t matter how clean I left the house or how long I was away, it’s always the same - dirty. 

Yet somehow every time I have gone away, I have always hoped that he would surprise me and that I would come home to a clean house.  Even on this last trip, because I was away for over a week, I thought for sure he’d have to do some cleaning.  But evidently not. 

So I was pretty upset when I got home.  Or rather, I was disappointed as well as upset.  Disappointed that he hadn’t surprised me with that clean house I was really hoping for.  And upset that instead of spending a precious day with my kids doing something fun, we’d be spending the day cleaning instead.

And then I realised that the problem actually lies with me.  You see, I had to question my expectations.  Was it realistic to think that after 15 years my husband would clean the toilets?  Was it realistic to expect him to surprise me?  Especially as I had never communicated these expectations or hopes to him?  And even if I had?

And now I know better. The next time I go away, I’m going to book a cleaner to come in on the day before I return.  So I don’t have to hope in vain.  So I can let go of these unrealistic expectations and the disappointment and upset that inevitably follows.  Because this is something that is important to me - so I need to make it happen.

Why am I sharing this?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed, we also all have expectations of our children.  Sometimes these are explicit, but sometimes we have them inside us and don’t share them with anyone.  We just expect.  We expect good behaviour.  We expect compliance.  We expect respect.  We expect so so many things. 

Our expectations can change the way we react to situations. So if we expect good behaviour and we get it, we might not necessarily acknowledge this good behaviour.  Of course, we should as that’s the way our children get positive reinforcement and the feedback that they’ve done something right and to be repeated.  Or conversely, if we expect compliance and we don’t get it, we can be disappointed, frustrated, angry, etc.  and all these emotions get communicated to our children with our body language, tone of voice, words and actions.

We need to understand what our expectations of our children are. We need to question whether they are realistic for the age/stage of development and temperament of our child.  Have we communicated these expectations?  Have we given sufficient guidance and support to our child to meet these expectations?  What skills or further support might our child need to meet these expectations on a consistent basis

We also have expectations of ourselves.  So much mama guilt comes from these expectations we hold deep within ourselves.  And sometimes that mama guilt can drive the way we react to and interact with our children - and our behaviour and communication that follows often compounds that mama guilt even more!

If we have these expectations and don’t consciously examine them, then we cannot be self-aware when we are parenting.  And that self-awareness is so important as a parent as we are the adult in the relationship.  We are the ones who have the fully-developed brain and life experience to be in control of ourselves and to manage our emotions.  If you can understand your deep-rooted expectations, you empower yourself to influence your children more effectively.

If we can’t do this - if we can’t effectively model emotional and behavioural control to our children - then how can we realistically expect them to behave in ways that we don’t?

You cannot control your child.  You can guide them and support them but you cannot control them.  To think otherwise would be delusional.

You can control yourself. You can control your expectations, your perceptions and how you respond to situations. 

If you aren’t happy with some aspect of your child’s behaviour or family interactions, then take a good look at what expectations you are holding around that and your current behaviour - verbal and non-verbal - in those situations. 

Be honest with yourself. That’s conscious parenting and because you have read this far I KNOW that you are a conscious parent.

This is hard work.  It takes a good deal of self-awareness to break the deep-rooted parenting patterns that are ingrained in your subconscious programming from your own childhood.  It takes energy, persistence, and perseverance to change and it takes courage to commit to transformation.