Want a Confident Child?

If you’re like most parents, you’ll probably rank confidence as one of the qualities you’d hope to see in your child.  And what most parents mean by self-confidence, is what psychologists would term a healthy self-esteem - that core belief in yourself and your own value.

Healthy vs Poor Self-Esteem

A healthy self-esteem occurs when a child feels good about himself, values and believes in herself. 

Research indicates that when this happens, children are more likely to behave well, value others, be resilient, accept feedback and adapt to different situations.  They are less likely to be victims of peer pressure, bullying, indulge in self-harm or substance abuse, and less likely to put others down in order to raise themselves.

Conversely, when a child has poor self-esteem they are more likely to be dependent on others for approval, to feel helpless, to feel victimised, and to be vulnerable to social pressure, bullying and self-harm.  They are more likely to put others down using negative words or actions in order to bolster themselves up. 

A child with poor self-esteem might struggle to accept compliments, or become sensitive to what others say about them, they might always be looking for examples to validate their belief that they are not worthy or valued.

So how do I know if my child has a healthy self-esteem?

To be honest, you probably already have gut-feel for this.  Instinctively, you probably already know whether your child has a healthy self-esteem and is relatively self-confident, or if they display signs of having a poor self-esteem. 

One thing to note is that self-esteem is different from temperament. 

So, you might have a quiet, sensitive child who does not speak up in social situations or asserts her opinion to others, but nonetheless has a healthy self-esteem.  Equally, you could have a boisterous child who is happy to strike up a conversation with strangers but who might have a poor self-esteem. 

Temperament speaks to a child’s natural inclination and nature.  Self-esteem reflects their self-worth and belief in themselves.

If you have a child who is very self-critical, seems to put themselves down a lot or compare themselves to others, then these may be signs that their self-esteem needs bolstering.  Also, if you have a child who is struggling either in school or behaviourally, these could also be indications that their self-esteem could do with some attention.

Conversely, if you have child who is super cocky and overtly confident, it might be worth your observing them a bit more acutely for a period of time to decipher whether that show of bravado is actually a mask and they are suffering inside or whether they truly do believe they are the best thing since sliced bread… which is a whole separate issue!

How can I help my child develop a healthy self-esteem?

There are various things parents can do to help their child develop a healthy self-esteem.  Here are 8 Top Tips:

1. Praise frequently

Praise your child’s efforts, strategies and inner qualities so that they can begin to recognise these in themselves.  Avoid empty praise (e.g. “well done” “good boy”) and praise for praise sake.

2. Avoid labels

Even if it seems positive, such as “you’re really smart” - any labels can confine a child’s identity and self-belief.  Labels also tend to position one child against another, which does not help sibling or other peer relationships.

3. Notice things they do - pay attention!

When we pay attention to our kids and verbally notice all the great things that they do, they begin to internalise that we approve of them, we “see” them and value all those great things and qualities. 

The more we believe in them and the more we notice, the more they will internalise.

4. Refrain from dismissing self-doubt

If you have a school-aged or older child who expresses some form of self-doubt, most likely your natural inclination is to dismiss that self-doubt or else offer evidence to the contrary. 

“That’s not true” or “you don’t mean that” flows too easily off our tongues. 

Neither of these are helpful for our children. 

Instead, offer input to irrefutable evidence that contradicts their self-doubt.  Let it be objective and factual - that way, your child will have no grounds to dispute what you’ve said.

5. Encourage a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset is one that believes anything is possible.  It is a state of mind that says, I can learn to do this, even if I don’t know how to now.  Children with a growth mindset are more likely to have a strong self-esteem - they believe they “can,” even in the face of adversity or initial failure.  Believing they “can” is a reflection that they believe in their own potential.

6. Practice Assertiveness

Whether it is ordering their meal at a restaurant, speaking up in the classroom or voicing their opinion to a peer or adult, the more we can help our children practice these skills, the more they will believe they are able to do them and develop confidence in themselves.

7. Be the Role Model

If you do not have a healthy self-esteem, if you are constantly being self-critical, judgemental or belittling yourself, how can you expect your child to develop a healthy self-esteem?  You need to be the role model. 

If you have suffered from a poor self-esteem for a whiile, get some help from a life or transformational coach to help you shift your subconscious beliefs in order to free you to step into a healthy self-esteem. 

You cannot expect your child to have what you can’t model yourself.

8. Let them fail

Children, especially, learn best through experience. 

Letting your child fail, whether it’s at sports, academics or socially, is an important part of parenting.  It’s teaching them that they can “fail” at something but still pick themselves up to go on. 

That failure is not a reflection of their self-worth, but a learning opportunity.  And that being imperfect is part of being human, but that it doesn’t mean you are worth any less or are less valued.

Let’s face it - we all want our children to have a healthy self-esteem. 

Perhaps you have suffered from a poor self-esteem yourself or know someone who has.

Perhaps you just know that a healthy self-esteem will help your child in so many other ways throughout their life - to be resilient, to stand up for themselves, to take pride in and value their uniqueness and contribution to the world.

For many children, their level of self-esteem can fluctuate. 

It’s our role as parents to stay constant - to believe in our children even when they can’t believe in themselves. 

To “see” and “hear” them so that they feel our approval, feel valued and feel heard.

When our kids are suffering from poor self-esteem, it can be really tough to witness.  Our natural inclination is to “fix it” for them.  Yet we know deep down that this won’t really help.  If your child is suffering from poor self-esteem, use the above tips to help bolster their self-esteem. 

Self-esteem really is pliable.  It’s not set in concrete and can change. 

Put your ego to one side and focus on your child and help them to develop a healthy self-esteem.  You will find that that is the foundation for a fulfilled and happy life.