Understanding Your Child's Behaviour

As parents, we often take our child’s behaviour at face value.  Especially when our child is behaving in ways we disapprove of or are not expecting. 

Such as a toddler having a tantrum. 

A pre-schooler refusing to get dressed in the morning. 

A school-aged child refusing to do their homework.

Or a tween rolling their eyes and giving you “attitude” when you ask them to do something.

We “see” the behaviour they are displaying.  Or we “hear” the words they are saying.  And we often “think” we know why they behaving they way that they are.

But do we really?

All Behaviour is Communication

When our child “misbehaves,” what we “see” as the parent is the behaviour. 

Think of your child’s behaviour like an iceberg.  What you “see” (the behaviour) is the bit above the water.  Whereas in fact, the majority of the iceberg remains hidden in the water - that’s all the “stuff” driving the behaviour. 

If we consider that all behaviour is actually a form of communication from our child - that they are communicating an unmet need, emotion, struggle, etc. - then we can “view’ their behaviour differently. 

Just by making this simple mental shift, you will be able to approach your child from a place of empathy and understanding, rather than frustration and anger.

Understand the “stuff” and resolve that, and the behaviour will automatically change.

How do I understand the “stuff”?

In the moment, when your child is misbehaving (because, let’s face it, most parents are not focused on why their child is behaving well!), it’s important to stay calm and in control of your own emotions. 

Take a deep breath, count to ten, repeat a mantra - find a calming technique that works for you and use it. 

Staying calm and keeping your own emotions in check will help you be in the best position to help your child.  Having your wits about you, remind yourself that your child’s behaviour is a form of communication.  Try to determine what might have preceded that behaviour:

What was going on? 

What emotions were likely involved - anger, frustration, jealousy? 

Were there any physical triggers such as hunger or tiredness? 

Did they have certain expectations or desires that were not met? 

Were they asked to do something that wasn’t on their agenda in the moment?

Knowing your child as only you do, what might have influenced this situation?  What is their temperament, their needs, their way of processing the world?  What is important to your child or what could have been important to them in that moment?

Your role is to be the calm detective.  You need to think about all the likely possibilities so that you can reflect these back to your child for validation.

What do I say?

When your child is misbehaving, reflect back to them what you perceive is going on.

“You’re having a really hard time this morning.” 

“You really don’t want to get dressed/do your homework/go to football practice/etc.” 

If you’re not exactly sure what’s going on, you can guess.  Your child will tell you if you’re wrong, and then you can guess again.  What you’re trying to do is let them know you get it, you understand where they are at, that you “see” them.

Offer empathy and listen. 

Don’t dive into logic, rational explanations or problem solving while your child is full of emotions.  Just empathise and be available to listen to them.  Let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk. 

If they will allow physical connection, give them a hug, a rub on the shoulder, hold their hand - whatever they will tolerate and find comforting. 

Your role is to reassure them that they are safe and understood.

But what about the behaviour?

Once your child has calmed down, and potentially at a later time away from the situation, you can calmly have a discussion about the misbehaviour. 

Unless your child is very young, it’s likely they already know that the way they behaved was inappropriate.  So then help them to figure out how to make amends and even consider role-playing that same situation again so that they have a script for how it might have played out with them behaving differently. 

There is no need to make your child feel bad, to shame them, punish them or critics their behaviour - doing so will not “teach” them the lesson you intend.  Instead, talking through it, discussing ways of repairing the situation and considering different ways for the future will better equip them to not repeat their misbehaviour.

How your beliefs influence your reaction

Sometimes we have certain negative beliefs about our child or their behaviour.  This often happens when we get into a repeating negative pattern with our child - for example, they misbehave, we get upset, they continue to misbehave, we continue to get upset, etc.

We can start to create beliefs in our mind that our child is defiant, difficult, out to get us, deliberately trying to wind us up, etc. 

The trouble is, when we start to have these beliefs in our mind, our brain gets hardwired to “see” our child through this lens we have created and notice all the examples of our child’s behaviour to support these beliefs.  Sadly, biology doesn’t help us out in these situations as our mind deliberately focuses on the wrong things.

So you need to make a conscious decision.  To question some of these negative beliefs you have about your child and to focus instead on their behaviour as communication.

Your child is not out to get you, to be deliberately defiant or difficult. 

At a very fundamental level, all children want to behave well, get our approval and love, and feel successful and good about themselves.  Think about it, isn’t that what you want for yourself? 

Focus on staying calm and being the detective so that you can offer your child understanding and connection.  That’s going to help them feel safe, understood and all them the space to process what’s going on in order to learn from the experience. 

Remember, all behaviour is communication.  Your child is telling you something.  What is it?