Talking About Your Kids

Are you conscious about how you talk about your kids in public? 

Is it more of a “He is always SO shy…” or a “She’s constantly smiling and that makes me happy.”?

Whether it’s with close friends, with others at the school gate or the checkout lady at the shop, the reality is that we DO talk about our kids.  And, depending on whether you’re a stay at home parent or working parent, you might find yourself talking about your kids A LOT.

The thing is, it’s not at all bad to talk about your kids.  But HOW you talk about your kids can speak volumes about how you perceive them, perhaps unknowingly.  AND, it can also heavily influence how others perceive your children.

Beliefs and Your Brain

Your brain is a complex, beautiful structure that neuroscientists still don’t understand fully.  What they do know though, is that rather than your experiences forming beliefs in your brain, your brain is constantly searching for experiences that confirm your existing beliefs. 

For example, maybe deep down inside you fear (and believe) that your child is super shy.  They might be… or, they might be in certain situations only - or maybe they are only shy when you’re around…. 

Regardless of reality, if you have the belief that your child is xxx (e.g. shy, stubborn, etc.), your brain will actively search for examples to support that belief. 

So it will recognise and pay attention to situations where your child is acting that way (e.g. shy) and essentially ignore situations where your child is not being that way (e.g. shy).  In those latter situations, your brain might even come up with some rational explanation for why your child is not being that way (e.g. shy - oh, “he must have met these kids before" or “she’s full of energy and very excited”).  

Sound familiar?

It doesn’t matter what your beliefs are about your child.  Your brain is actively searching for evidence to support those beliefs and actively ignoring or rationalising any evidence suggesting otherwise.

Your Conversations

What’s important to consider is that your beliefs influence the things you say to other people and how you talk about your children.  This in turn, influences not only how other people perceive YOUR child, but how you actively perceive them.

So if you find yourself talking about your child in a negative light, “oh he’s always so slow/distracted/impatient…” or “she’s so sensitive/selfish/whiny…”, then not only are you reinforcing that perception of your child in your brain with your speech, but you are also influencing the other person to see your child that way.  Their brain, in turn, will look for examples in your child’s behaviour to support what you say.

Let’s say you are at the school gate and talking about how whiny your child was this morning and how they whined and complained about everything you asked them to do.  And then, when your child comes up to you to give you and hug and say a sweet goodbye, you remind them they have a music lesson after school.  Your child says “oh, do I have to go?” To which you reply a short “yes” and off they bounce happily into school.  

In this situation, the focus for both you and the other parents around you is not the sweet hug, goodbye and happy child going to school.  Because of the conversation preceding the interaction with your child, the focus will be on the fact they asked whether they had to go to their music lesson and regardless of their tone, it will have been framed as a whine.

Talking Positively About Your Child

When you talk positively about your child to others, it helps BOTH you and whomever you are speaking to actively SEE the good in your child and believe in them. 

It frames your child positively with the words you have chosen and both your brain and the brain of the person you are speaking to will actively seek supporting evidence for what you have said about your child. 

It also makes others people happy to be around your child and happy to have their children around yours. 

Consider - if you tell others that your child is super friendly, loves playing with other children, is always laughing, considerate and kind, then other parents will be more than happy for their child to play with yours. 

The bonus is that if your child overhears you talking about them (which I guarantee they will do in at least some situations), then they will internalise what you are saying about them. 

So if they hear you talk about them as a kind, considerate and happy child, they will internalise this and self-identify as such (again, their brain will seek examples of their own behaviour to support this belief). 

The alternative is to label your child as “too” “always” “typically” (something - sensitive, shy, outgoing, energetic, etc.) using a critical or negative tone - with the likely result being they and whomever you are speaking to will see your child as such.  Which will impact their developing self-esteem. 

And think about it, would you want YOUR child to play with someone else’s child who was described as a bit of a bully/quite selfish/always destructive/painfully shy/etc…???

Their Biggest Advocate

As a parent, you want to be your child’s biggest advocate in the world.  If you aren’t, who is going to be? 

And yes, you know that your child is not perfect (even if they might be very close!).  You do see and recognise the bits of their character or behaviour that could be different or improved.  That’s okay.

But when you talk to other people, try to be your child’s biggest advocate.

Try to talk positively about them, even if you have to think really hard before saying anything.  Reframe what you say about them so that it is not critical or shameful.  Even if it’s apparently factual, make sure it’s something positive. 

Because that’s the other thing about your brain - the more you focus on the positive things about your child, the more your brain notices all the positive things. 

And the more you notice the positive things, the more your brain challenges any critical judgements you are holding against your child.  This in turn will help you see all the good in your child more often and therefore focus less on all the negative stuff and put that stuff into perspective of the bigger picture.

And the less you focus on the negative stuff, the less frustrated you will be and the more tolerant you will find yourself becoming. 

Practice

The easiest way to train your brain to focus on the positive things about your child is to consciously practice until it becomes a habit.

So, to build this habit, try to notice at least 3 positive things about your child each day.  It might be things about them as a person or things that they have done that highlight the good inside. 

If you can, write these down each day in a separate notebook so that you can keep an ongoing record. 

And even better - if you can remember, read them aloud to your child each night.  It will only take a minute or two and the connection it will reinforce between you and your child will be worth so much more than those extra few minutes in your schedule. 

If you can do this, both you and your child will go to bed thinking of all the positive things about them that day and feeling good about yourselves.  And what a wonderful gift that is to give to your child each night as they drift off!

Remember, how you talk about your children to others not only influences how others perceive your child, it also reinforces how you perceive them and how your child sees him/herself. 

In public, be your child’s biggest advocate. 

And try to build a habit of focusing on all the positive things about your child instead of all the negative stuff and communicating this to your child on a daily basis. 

It will positively reinforce their developing self-esteem, your beliefs about them and the strength of your relationship.