Surviving Extended Family Time

It seems to come along with the territory.  You have kids, and then somehow, “family" becomes more important than it ever used to be.  And for most parents, you interact with your now-extended family more once you’ve had children than you did when you were childless.

It doesn’t matter how close you are or aren’t to your parents, siblings, and other family members or how often you spoke or saw them before you had kids.  It’s just that the interactions seem to increase post children.  And generally speaking, that’s a good thing. 

I truly believe that children need the influence and love of people beyond their own parents.  They are meant to be raised by a village and learn from others.  They need to feel that they have other adults in their lives that they can learn from and talk to.  

Everyone is different and so the more people that can teach them, guide them, interact with them and love them the better off they will be.  Yet as the world has become smaller and more of us have moved away from our parents, the villages and communities raising our children have also become smaller.

So any time spent with your extended family is really important for your children.  It makes them feel part of something bigger than your family unit.  It connects them to a wider network and to your family history. 

When they interact with their grandparents, or their aunts and uncles, your children begin to understand more about where you came from and who you are, which in turn influences their own identity formation.

BUT, depending on your personal family relationships and history, time with extended family can also sometimes be really tough and tricky to survive.  Somehow there is unspoken added pressure and expectations that pervade these gatherings.  It’s mostly hard for us parents, but can also be uncomfortable for our kids too.

Now, scenarios with extended family play out differently for each family as everyone’s family situation is unique:

• You might love your mother to bits but when you visit her with your kids, you feel that everything that comes out of her mouth is a judgment on the way you are parenting. 
• Or, you might have a great relationship with you dad but have to listen to him say “In my day, we wouldn’t have gotten away with that behaviour…” every time your child is uncooperative or unruly.
• You might feel your parents still treat you as a child when you are with them, even though you have your own kids.  Or that you start behaving the way you did when you were a child when you are around your siblings and parents together.
• You might feel the shame or judgment you felt as a child in the way that your mother observes you and your children or gives you that look.
• Maybe you feel your children are constantly being judged or compared to the other grandchildren or the cousins, and somehow don’t measure up in their eyes.
• Maybe you feel your parents don’t understand that you wish to parent your children differently to how they parented you, and have to defend every interaction you have with your own children in their presence.
• Or, maybe your parents are just getting older and are slightly more opinionated, stuck in their ways and their lack of flexibility is tricky to balance with the needs of your own kids.

There are so so many other possibilities for extended family scenarios. 

The truth of the matter is, while time with extended family is wonderful and necessary, it is often a minefield to be carefully navigated that can leave you feeling frustrated, irritable and exhausted.   

So what can you do to survive your time with extended family?

Talk About it Beforehand

Have a family meeting with your kids and talk about the upcoming time you’ll have with extended family. 

Discuss who will be there and what’s likely to happen (what the schedule of activities will be).  This is mostly to prepare your own children so that they feel a bit more comfortable and prepared going into the family gathering. 

During your family discussion, you can also talk about what you or others might expect of the kids when you are in this extended family situation and how they might manage these expectations.  Will they be expected to give hugs when greeting their grandparents?  What if they don’t feel comfortable doing so?  What if grandpa asks them for a kiss on the cheek and they don’t want to do it? 

Or maybe you know that when you are with your parents, there are different family rules.  You can talk to your kids about this beforehand and prepare them.  For example, maybe in your house, they can get down from the dinner table when they are finished but you know that with their grandparents they will need to wait at the table until everyone is done.

Or it could be as simple as knowing the grandparents don’t eat lunch until 1pm (whereas your kids usually eat at 12) and so your kids need to be sure to eat a good breakfast in order to survive the extra hour (or, if your children are still little, you might need to be prepared with some healthy snacks at 11 to keep the hanger away)! 

Whether it’s logistical stuff or behavioural, knowing in advance some of what is expected of you and how to respond appropriately can help both you and your kids proactively manage these expectations. 

Contemplate your Survival Strategy

If you know in advance that you extended family tend to behave in certain ways or say certain things that are going to annoy, frustrate or trigger you, then you might try to come up with coping strategies before you are even with them. 

You might decide to let what they say/do “wash over you” and essentially ignore it (deep breaths help here), or you might decide that you have the kind of relationship with your extended family where you can talk to them about how what they do/say makes you feel. 

You might decide on other coping strategies in between those two extremes. 

Whatever your approach, having an outlet for managing your own emotions will be important - whether it’s visualization or other calming techniques, taking time to “escape” and go for a walk or ensuring you don’t stay up too late so you are getting sufficient sleep, making sure you have some way of moderating your own emotional responses is key to remaining calm and in a position to best support your children.

Many parents have asked for advice on the “best” approach to managing time with extended family.

The thing is, every family dynamic is different and the personalities within are also unique.  So you need to decide up front whether your relationships are strong and open and therefore will allow for an honest discussion without anyone getting too hurt or offended, or if personalities within the mix might be stubborn or defensive and by opening a discussion you are going to start a confrontation. 

Only you can read the situation, know your own tolerance for your family dynamics and what will or won’t be feasible.  But thinking about it and having a strategy upfront for how you will manage extended family situations will help your feel much more in control of yourself.  It will also help you cope better with any tricky situations when you are in them, which will ensure these situations do not deplete your energy or trigger you as strongly as they would have if you were unprepared.

So definitely have a proactive strategy in mind!

Buffer your Kids

Finally, if you know that your extended family are going to say things to your kids that might impact them or find they do say or do things that aren’t in line with your parenting approach, then be sure to take the time to buffer your kids as much as possible. 

For example, maybe your parents tend to constantly compare the grandchildren and always talk about how great the cousins are (implying that your own kids aren’t as great in their eyes).  In that scenario, you might interject when you can tell the grandparents are going to make that kind of statement and try to change the direction of the conversation. 

Or, if that’s not possible or you’re not there at the time they say/do something, then just be sure to have a conversation with your kids after the fact.  Talk to them about how they must have felt when their grandparent said xzy (e.g. compared them to their cousin). 

You might talk to them about how people don’t always know the impact of the things they say/do.  You might try together to find/see the good intentions behind their grandparents’ words or behaviour (e.g. they just want the best for their grandkids or are trying to show they are proud of them!). 

Or, you might decide that your extended family's behaviour is not something to justify and/or rationalise and therefore your approach will be to just reinforce your child’s self-esteem with some descriptive praise and your unconditional love.

You are the Expert

Time with extended family is just part of family life.  Although it is mostly precious time, it can often be emotionally charged and exhausting for everyone involved.  

Unless your extended family lives in the same town as you and you see them on a regular, weekly basis, you’re all probably not used to having to spend time together  -so recognising that is important.  As is acknowledging that most people are coming from a place of love and good intentions - even if it doesn’t always show or their actions don’t seem to reflect that. 

You know your extended family the best.  You are also the expert in yourself and your children. 

So surviving extended family time does mean that you need to prepare yourself and your kids as much as possible in advance for that time. 

Then do as much as you can to feel in control, stay calm and buffer your kids during the extended family time.  And if necessary, emotion coach your kids and take time to recharge yourself after your time with extended family. 

And yes, you’ve done the right thing to reconnect everyone - it is never going to be “easy,” but this family time, even if rife with strong emotions, is precious.

READER BONUS:  Grab your copy of the "5 Steps for Emotion Coaching" quick reminder sheet so you have it to hand in the event you need it at your next extended family gathering.  See below!