My Child Won't Sit Still At Mealtimes

“Sit still!”

“Where are you going?”

“Can you stop leaning back on your chair!”

“Can we all just EAT?”

Oh, mealtimes with children can be tricky sometimes. 

We want them to be able to come to the table when it’s time to eat, to sit down on their chairs, stay there throughout the whole meal, have impeccable table manners AND be appreciative of the meal that has been lovingly prepared for them, even if they hated it.

And yet pretty much all of us have had a mealtime where our kids have got up in the middle of the meal, without asking, to go play with their toys or read a book.  Or leaned back on the hind legs of their chairs and hung out there.  Or decided to play musical chairs. Or complained about the food. Or refused to eat the food.  Or asked for THAT BIT of the food to be removed from their plate! (Sigh.)

Sometimes all we want is to have a peaceful family meal.  Where everyone is happy, eating, sat still and enjoying each other’s company.  And we wonder, is that too much to ask?

Have Realistic Expectations

If your child is 2 or younger, know that it will be very difficult for them to sit still at a table for long periods of time.  About 20 minutes is probably realistic, although that will depend on the temperament of your child as well as what else is going on. 

If the whole family is sat at the table and interacting, they are more likely to stay so that they can feel part of the action.  If other members of the family are getting up and down, that includes if you’re going to the kitchen to get the condiments or drinks, then they will probably think there is the possibility for them to also leave the table.

Children will do as we do, and so model the behaviour you wish to see.

If you have an older child and they have not yet learned to meet your expectations to sit at the table during mealtimes - at their seat and for the entire mealtime - you will need to work on helping “train” them to do so.  It’s not as serious as it sounds, and in fact, the more “fun” you can make it for them, the easier and faster they will learn to do so. 

Just know that in the meantime you will need to adjust your expectations - they are not yet able to meet them and so don’t set yourself up to be triggered, rather, adjust your expectations until you have helped them to meet them consistently.

Establish Some Family Rules

Have a family meeting and talk with your children about what the mealtime rules are.  You’ll be surprised at how many of the “rules,” whether you’ve previously talked about them as such or not, they already know and can articulate. 

Even if they can’t say what your current mealtime rules are, you can ask everyone to brainstorm and come up with ideas of what your rules should be.  You can prompt the discussion to point it in the right direction - “what do you think our rules should be around staying at your seat during the meal?”

Mealtime rules can be around helping out, setting the table, coming to the table, sitting still, manners, clearing up, etc.

You and your kids might come up with rules that they are already adhering to pretty easily.  You can always discuss these and recognise how well your children are already doing. And then switch your focus to the rules that will help your children develop the habits they are struggling with. 

So, if they struggle to come to the table when asked, then focus on this and talk about what kind of things might help them to follow this rule.  The more “fun” you can make it, at least initially, the better. So, could you ring a bell at mealtimes as a signal that it’s time to come to the table?  Or should you all do a family “dance” with music prior to sitting down (great to get out any excess energy before you expect the kids to sit still)? 

If your children are struggling to help out and set the table, could you have a “helper for the day” or rotate turns for who sets the table and who clears up?  Children love to feel responsible and “grown up” so even though they might grumble about helping out initially, the more that you can recognise how helpful and responsible they are being, the more likely they will be willing to do it.

And if your child is struggling to sit still at the table for the entire meal, you could have some sort of recognition system for every time they are able to sit through a meal (e.g. they get to decide one meal for the following week).  Again, your children will be able to come up with some magical ideas for non-monetary non-food related ideas (just be wary of offering dessert as recognition).

Once you have decided on some mealtime rules - keep it to a maximum of 5-10 - then write these down and put them somewhere everyone can easily see.  You might even put them in the middle of your dinner table, to begin with, so it’s literally in everyone’s consciousness.  If you have younger children, you can always draw pictures to go next to the writing so that they have an image of the rule to follow.

Recognise Every Little Achievement

Children love to be acknowledged for their good behaviour and for you to “see” them.  So when your child follows a rule you have set out or demonstrates desirable mealtime behaviour, then be sure to acknowledge them.  This isn’t about praising them for praise sake and you will want to avoid conventional, vague praise such as “well done” “awesome job” “good girl/boy” etc.

Instead, use words that let your child know that you have “seen” them - reflect back to them what you have seen.  “I really appreciate that you helped me set the table.”  “You sat through the whole mealtime and stayed in your chair.”  “You only leaned back on your chair once during that meal - I wonder if tomorrow you might not lean back at all?”  “Thank you for helping me clear your plates.”

Give your child the information they need to repeat the desirable behaviour again, even if it is just saying a version of your established rule around the behaviour.  You’re giving them the signal that you recognise their effort - this will make them feel good about themselves and also give them the motivation to repeat what they did the next time.

What if My Child Refuses to Eat?

Picky eating is a whole separate topic, but in brief, here are some strategies you can try:

• Offer a variety of foods at each meal and serve it “buffet” or self-service style so that your child puts their own food on their plate.  Have a rule that they need to eat whatever they put on their plate.  Remember it can take more than 15 exposures to a particular food before a child starts to eat it, so just try to be patient and know they won’t starve themselves.

• Have an alternative, preferably bland, food they can eat if they really don’t like what you have served.  Think plain yogurt, a piece of cheese or fruit, a bowl of plain cereal…. Something that you would find acceptable for them to eat and not feel like you’ve starved your child but also something that isn’t too “fun” or desirable.  Let your child have this alternative if they refuse their meal - don’t worry, after a few weeks or a month of plain yogurt every day, your child will start trying some of your prepared food.

• Be clear about your rules for food between mealtimes.  If your child thinks they can snack all day, they will have no incentive to eat a proper meal when it is served.  If you need to, limit snack times so you know your child is actually hungry when it’s time for lunch/dinner.  Your child also needs to know that when they don’t eat a meal, they will not get food until xxx (this is your decision).

• Don’t force your child to eat or finish food on their plate. There is extensive research that has shown that neither of these tactics promotes a healthy relationship with food.  It also then becomes a power struggle between you and your child which in reality, neither of you “wins”. 

Make Mealtimes Fun

If you want your children to enjoy family mealtimes, try to also make them “fun”.  What this looks like will depend on the ages and personalities of your family members. 

For younger children who are struggling to come to the table or stay there, you can get special tableware and cutlery so that their place at the table feels special, unique and inviting. 

For picky eaters, you can get special plates with sections on or faces they can decorate with food - just to make the food more interesting and appealing.

For any ages, having a fun family conversation can also keep everyone engaged and motivated to stay at the table to be part of it all. 

If you need some prompting for conversation topics, Table Toppers or Conversation Cards can be helpful.  These ask questions and everyone answers them, which can then lead on to other conversations.

Consider putting music on in the background, lighting candles at dinnertime or putting flowers or other “special” decorations on the table to make it an interesting place to be.

In reality, your children will be motivated to come, sit and stay at the table if you are there and if you recognise and enjoy their presence and conversation.  After all, that’s what family mealtimes are supposed to be for - a time for conversation, interaction, and reconnection.