Raising Confident Girls

As a mother to 3 daughters, I am keenly aware that what I say and do in their presence leaves an impression.  I am their role model.  The person whose behaviour and language creates an idea in their developing brains of what being a woman (and mother) is all about.  It scares me.  A LOT.

Our daughters are growing up in an every increasingly complex world, where women have more opportunities and choice than ever before but where a lot of these potentially come with some sort of consequence.  

They receive the messages that women can do anything, and yet see many of us mothers struggling to balance work, family life and self-care.  

It’s complicated and our daughters are entering a grown up world where there is a lot of grey space.  

To navigate and find their place in this grey space, it will require that our girls have a strong sense of self - that they know who they are, what values are important to them and how they wish to interact with the world.  

It requires that they have a strong self-esteem and are self-confident.

That they feel capable and can achieve their desired goals.

That they trust they are good enough.  And hopefully know that they are much MORE than good enough.

A lot of how our daughters see themselves begins with how WE see them and the messages that we give them with our words and interactions.  That’s pretty scary. 

In one study, over 60 percent of girls said their role model was their mother and almost 50 percent said if they have a problem they turn to their mother.

So how can we help our daughters develop a strong sense of self?

1. Show her you notice and are listening

If we are our daughters number one role models (at least in their earlier years), then we need to ensure that we have a strong, positive relationship with them.  They need to feel they can trust us, that we are reliable and they can come to us WHENEVER.  And that when they do come to us, we take the time to notice them and truly listen to what they have to say.  That sends them the message that they are important and that what they have to say matters.  

We are their number 1 fan base.  You need to let her be her best self of who she IS, not who you want her to be.  She needs to know that you love her unconditionally, for who she is.

Girls brains are especially language driven.  This is science-backed and proven even in infancy when girl babies have been shown to babble more than boy babies.  

When girls talk, they are trying to connect with you and they need to feel heard. 

Sometimes, they may struggle to find the right words to use, and regardless of this, they still take a lot from your reaction and often internalise your non-verbal behaviour.  Are you listening?  What does your body language say?  How do you respond?  What tone of voice do you use?

In childhood, the limbic system (emotional centre) is far more developed and active than the frontal cortex (thinking brain).  Girls often interpret how we behave or the words that we say differently to our intention. 

“You just don’t understand!” is an all-too common phrase exclaimed by many young girls to their mothers.  It is easy for them to feel that you haven’t heard what they have been trying to tell you, whether or not that is actually the case.

How do you avoid this? 

When your daughter comes to you and wants to speak to you, make sure you take the time to stop what you are doing and give her your attention.  If this is not realistic in the moment, let her know that you are otherwise occupied and when you will be able to give her your attention.  Ask if she can wait until then.  If she really can’t, trust your mama-instinct and make a decision on whether it’s best to pause what you’re doing to focus on your daughter, or if you think she can actually wait.  That can be a tough one, because sometimes when you’re ready, she’s no longer willing to talk to you and you’ve lost that opportunity to be her sounding board and connect with her.

When she is talking to you, pay attention to your body language and make sure you use eye contact and, if she’ll allow it, some physical contact - this could be holding her hand, having her sit on your lap or next to you, or just stroking her back.  Doing so will help her feel more connected to you, and therefore allow you to be a stronger influence on her.

2. Don’t try to fix her problems

When your daughter comes to you and expresses herself, try to be empathetic in your response.  

Our daughters often are looking for their feelings to be validated.  In these situations, it’s our role to help them understand their emotions and help them learn how to process and manage them.  Often we mistakenly dismiss our daughters emotions because we don’t want them to feel a certain way “oh you don’t really mean that” or, “I’m sure you don’t really feel that way…”.  When actually, all emotions are real, felt and  need to be accepted - regardless of the emotion.  Sadness, anger, jealousy, disappointment… even these “bad” emotions are normal and our girls need to understand what to do when they feel this way.  It’s our role to help them.

Know that sometimes girls just need to express themselves with words.  

Sometimes they don’t need any particular reaction, comment or advice.  They just want to get it out and have an audience.  It might be processing something that has happened, processing a thought or an emotion or just wanting to share a story.  

When they are in that “offloading” mode, be careful to limit your response.  Your role is to listen to her, be there for her and to let her offload.  

Let your daughter know that you are there for her, but don’t butt in and try to fix her problems for her or offer unsolicited advice.  If you feel you can’t help yourself, try taking a deep breath, sitting on your hands or fiddling with your lips - anything to stop you from blurting out how she should fix her problems!!!

If she asks, help her brainstorm solutions.  She’s more likely to accept and try potential solutions that she has “come up with” herself (or feels that she has come up with herself), rather than ones that you suggest (even if you are right!).   If she wants your advice, she’ll ask! (then feel free to say, “if it were me, I would…”, rather than “I think you should…”).

If talking about friendships or social issues, offer to help role-play difficult situations.  If she can practice talks and asserting herself with you at home, she will feel more confident doing so in front of her peers.

3. Encourage a Growth Mindset

A growth mindset is a belief that your capabilities and talents can be developed through practice and effort.   Children with a growth mindset believe that by trying, they can improve and achieve.  Such children display qualities as measured risk-taking and perseverance.  They embrace challenges.  Rather than internalise and personalise mistakes, they learn from them and try differently the next time.  

Having a growth mindset leads to higher self-esteem, which is core belief about your own value, your strengths and weaknesses.  A strong self-esteem stems primarily from parental involvement in childhood that approves, acknowledges and accepts the child for who they are, their efforts and strategies.

To encourage a growth mindset in your daughter, pay attention to her and consistently and frequently praise her for her efforts, strategies, ideas, opinions.  Praise the qualities you find desirable in a person.  Perhaps qualities such as integrity, compassion and resilience.  The neural pathways in children’s brain are constantly being re-wired and built, so the behaviour and attributes you pay attention to most are more frequently repeated.

Be careful to use descriptive praise - state what your daughter has done that is unquestionable.  “I’ve noticed you have been practicing”  Avoid superficial and superlative praise - our daughters can sniff out a fake or when we’ve not been paying attention and just respond with a non-descriptive “well done!”.  

Avoid overpraise or praising her as a person (rather than her ability).  So, try NOT to use “clever girl,” “You are wonderful,” “You are so smart,” - try instead to say “You studied really hard and it seems to have paid off,” or “I really appreciate you helping me set the table”.

Praise her imperfections.  Show her that she can repair mistakes and improve in areas she doesn’t naturally excel.  

Teach her new skills so that she can go through the learning process, make mistakes and gain the confidence as her new skill emerges through practice and effort.  Cooking and gardening are skills that most mothers find easy to teach to their daughters - something as simple as cooking an egg or growing a vegetable plant is a great place to start.

Or do a new activity together - try a new fitness class, go running together, do martial arts - something where you can experiment and learn together, where you can make mistakes together and improve together - and have FUN! 

4. Mama, model a healthy self-esteem

It starts with you.  You need to believe you are good enough.  That you are strong, intelligent, capable, loving, kind, compassionate, beautiful woman.  Your words and body language scream out how you feel about yourself.

Look after yourself.  Stay active, physically strong to show you respect your body and health.  Stay intellectually stimulated, whether through your work/career or through hobbies.  Be assertive and don’t let others take advantage of you in a way that you would never want your daughter to be taken advantage of.  

And just because it generally does make us gals feel good, make sure to take the time to get a good haircut and go shopping so that you can dress and feel like a sexy, confident mama.  Having children does not mean we mamas have to become frumpy, disheveled women!  

Take the time to look after yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally, and model self-respect for your daughter.

If you struggle with your own self-confidence, then just try to be super aware of things you say and do in front of your daughter.  Don’t put yourself down, express your self-doubts or be a push-over in front of her.  Equally, don’t mention your muffin-top, be on constant diets or have a wardrobe crisis in front of her.

If you tend to do these things, or similar, do them behind closed doors where she can’t see or hear you (and consider getting yourself support to build your own confidence and get you to a place where you thrive instead of hide).

In front of your daughter, you are a superwoman.  

In front of her, you are assertive, confident and strong-minded. 

You are healthy, gorgeous, sexy, smart, strong, active, powerful, loving and compassionate.  

It’s what deep down inside you know you really are.  

5. Discourage Comparison

Help your daughter feel unique.  Don’t compare her to others.  Notice her for who she IS, not who you expect her to be.  

Tell her that you believe in her. Just. As. She. Is.  She needs to receive that message repeatedly from you.

Encourage her to seek out activities that she is passionate about.  Support her interests, even if they aren’t what you would select for her.  She will learn about herself through her interests and she will gain confidence from doing something she loves to do.

Encourage her to participate in sports from an early age.  Girls who play sports learn that their bodies are strong and useful.  From playing outside, they learn about their physical space and can take calculated-risks.  They also gained experience from facing fears and overcoming challenges - invaluable experience that teaches them they can face new or challenging situations and know they can get through it.

Notice other women’s (not girls) successes - talk highly of other grown women who display the characteristics and attributes you feel women should have.  Or model empathy by hypothesising how you would feel if you were in their situation.  Your daughter is learning from you each time you talk about other people - if you speak well of them, your daughter will too.  If you gossip, your daughter will learn to do the same.  

If your daughter feels you are constantly comparing yourself or your family to others, she will naturally feel that you compare her to others and will likely feel judged and that she can’t quite measure up.

If your daughter is old enough to be on social media, be extra aware of the constant comparison that she’s witnessing. Social media is the “highlight reel”.  It shows only the best part of people’s lives, and is not reality.  Comparison is 10 times worse with social media and can be unrelenting.  Talk to your daughter about this and if you can, install habits of no-screen time each day to give your daughter a break from it all.

Building confidence in your daughter isn’t a linear path. Your daughter is her beautiful, unique self and her path to figuring out who she is and what she stands for will be her own individual journey.  You are there to guide her.  To give her that unconditional love and approval that tells her that she’s okay.  That you’re there for her no matter what.  That she is loved no matter what. 

Stay connected with your daughter as she matures.  Convince her through your words and actions that YOU BELIEVE IN HER.  That YOU NOTICE HER.  That you love her FOR WHO SHE IS.  JUST AS SHE IS.