Nurturing Independence

One of our main roles we have as parents is to help our children gain the necessary life skills to become independent beings. 

We want our children to be and have all the “self's” - self-confident, self-reliant, self-esteem....

We want them to be happy, responsible and accountable. 

Problem-solvers. 

We teach and support them in childhood so that one day, as young adults, they might be able to leave home and create their own, independent lives.  

So much of what we do as parents is working towards this goal - whether it be teaching our children good personal hygiene habits or helping them navigate social interactions in the playground or with friends.  

But sometimes, we sabotage our own efforts.  

Sometimes, as parents, we get so caught up in the daily busy-ness of looking after everyone’s welfare (making sure they are fed, clothed, washed), ferrying kids to and from activities or appointments and doing the household chores that we lose sight of the bigger picture and the ultimate end goal.

We get so caught up that we end up doing things for our children that they could do themselves.  

Often, we would rather do these things ourselves because we can do them faster, better, neater and more efficiently.  

Or maybe we are trying to protect our children from the mundane family chores because they are already so busy with school, activities and homework - how on earth can they fit it all in AND get to bed on time?!  

And sometimes, we just get caught up doing all. the. stuff.  

Not because we we want to or because our children aren’t capable.  

But because that’s just what we’ve always done. 

It’s a habit and gives us a role.  

And keeps us in control.

Or just because we love them.

Sound familiar?

But, doing everything for our children doesn’t nurture independence.  

It doesn’t build self-esteem.  

It doesn’t teach our children that they are capable beings.  

It doesn’t teach gratitude.   

It doesn’t teach our children any of the skills they need for our long-term goal of creating kind, happy, self-reliant adults.

In fact, quite the opposite.

Research has shown that children whose parents do everything for them (whether intentionally or not) and who protect them from taking risks actually turn out to feel helpless.  They are more likely to be bullied socially.  They shun responsibility, have lower self-esteem, feel more fearful and tend to have a fixed mindset.

On the other hand, parents who encourage their children to contribute to family life, tend to think for themselves, take responsibility for their actions and emotions, take risks and actively problem-solve solutions.  These parents nurture their children’s growing independence.  

And research has shown that these children have higher self-esteem, are more self-reliant, confident, happier and can take calculated risks.   These children are generally also more appreciative of other people’s efforts and have respect for those who do things for them (as opposed to take them for granted!).

So, how do we nurture independence in our children?

One of the simplest ways you can help your child learn the skills necessary to become independent is to get them to contribute to the family household to the extent of their capabilities.    

And it’s not about punishing them or making them do something just because.  Or making them feel bad because they “should” be able to do a certain task “by now”.

It’s part of teaching them that they can influence the world around them, that they are capable and their contribution matters.  

All of this helps build up their self-esteem and belief that they are significant.

It’s part of helping them take responsibility and accountability for being a member of the family.  

They are learning to contribute.  

To be part of the team.  

To do what they are capable of doing for themselves.  

To feel capable and significant.

Studies have shown that children who actively contribute to the family household have more respect for their parents and have a higher level of appreciation when others do something for them.  They have gratitude.  

Conversely, children who are not required to actively contribute to the family household tend to display an entitlement mentality.  And I am 100% certain that this isn’t their parent’s intention at all.   

Your role here is to teach, guide and support your child in carrying out their tasks.  It might be completing their homework, making their bed or sorting out the recycling but regardless of what it is, your child should have the satisfaction of completing activities, “all by myself” to the extent possible, and have a sense of achievement and feel proud for what they have done.  

Try not to intervene unless they ask for your help.  It will be difficult.  You will need patience.  And perhaps lots of deep breaths.

Here are some ideas of how your children can help contribute to the family (use variations of these depending on the age of your child):

• Tidy up own room, make bed, put clothes in the washing basket, sort laundry, fold laundry, put clean laundry away, sweep/vacuum floors, help meal prep - wash vegetables, chop, pour, measure, assist with simple cooking), setting the table, clearing away the table at mealtimes, emptying the dishwasher, water plants, feed pets, put out the rubbish/recycling, dust, clean windows, help clean the car, etc.

This works even for younger children.  

In fact, toddlers have a natural inclination to be helpful and have a desire to contribute to family life.  It’s part of their learning process.  If you can nurture this in your toddler, then you will find that contributing to family life becomes natural to your child and just part of daily life.  

Other things to keep in mind to help nurture independence include:

Have a blame-free household.  

Ensure YOU are the role model for your child and take accountability for your actions or non-actions.  Sometimes this can be tough - especially when we are feeling hard done by.  

It means taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens.  It might help to talk through decisions or actions so that your child can hear the thoughts behind your decisions.  

If you can do this, your child will pick up on that mindset and learn from your examples.  

And help your child problem-solve solutions (if they need your help) but avoid fixing their problems for them or offering them ready-made solutions.  

Your child needs to know that they are capable of coming up with solutions and that they can fix the pickles they have found themselves in.  This includes not forcing them to apologise to another person if they have done something wrong.  If the apologies comes as part of their problem-solving, great, but the real lesson is in how they feel when they have done the misbehaviour and what they can do to repair the situation.  

Give them the freedom to repair their mistakes.  To know that they are capable of fixing the situation or giving it their best shot.

Nurturing independence in your child doesn’t mean letting them go free in the world.  It means using your energy, time and patience to help your child see that they are a caring, capable individual.  That they can do things for themselves and others that make a difference.  That they can take accountability for their actions, problem-solve and attempt to repair any “damage” they have caused in their world.  

You will see your child’s self-esteem climb higher. 

You will see their confidence grow. 

You will see that they feel proud when they can help out and in fact, are happy to do so. 

You will see a happier, stronger child. 

One that, one day, you will be able to set free into the world and proudly witness their influence on the world.