How far would you go?

How far would you go to create opportunities for your child?  Would you compromise your personal values?  Would you put your reputation at risk and sacrifice your integrity?

My heart truly sank when I first heard about the recent US college lawsuit and the actions some celebrity parents had to take in order to get their kids into certain universities.  Not so much for the fact that it happened and has now been brought to light (although it was pretty shocking stuff), but more for these families and the potential damage they have caused to their own family relationships.

You probably are already aware of this recent news story, but if you’re not, the short version is that some well known US celebrities such as Lori Loughlin (think Aunt Betty in Full House)  and Felicity Huffman (from Desperate Housewives) have been under investigation for giving bribes to US college admissions staff in order to secure a university placement for their child. 

In some cases, the parents just paid a sum of money to get their child a place via one of the school’s sports teams.  In other cases, they arranged for blatant cheating to occur on the entrance exams.  What is still unclear from the news stories, is whether the children involved had any knowledge of the actions their parents took on their behalf.

My heart sank mostly because this speaks directly to the personal values that we want to pass onto our children.  Yes, all of us parents want our children to have the right opportunities that will help them be “successful” and to find fulfillment and happiness in life.  But at what cost?  What message are these parents passing onto their children when they bribe and cheat to get their child a school placement? 

It’s not just the values (honesty, integrity, etc.) that the parents are NOT modeling by their behaviour, it’s also the deeper message about how they perceive their child. 

Are these children now left questioning their self-worth?  If they thought they got a place based on their own merits and achievements, are they now doubting their own abilities?  Are they left with the message that their parents had so little faith in their capability to get a college placement on their own that they had to take extreme measures to ensure it happened?

And what if, as it may turn out, the children were involved and aware all along?  How do they feel it is justified that they could get a university placement by being dishonest and potentially take the place of someone who actually met the required criteria and therefore deserved it?  How have they grown up to think it is acceptable for their parents to intervene in their lives in such an extreme way?  It's entitlement mentality at an extreme.

Our children will do what we DO, not what we say.  The old adage is indeed true that actions speak louder than words.   They are observing us at every moment and they learn our values through our own actions.  If you tell your child to lie and say they are 5 instead of 6 so that they can get into the museum for free, what message are you giving them about lying and dishonesty?  If you don’t wear a helmet when you go skiing, how long are you expecting them to wear theirs?

Protecting our children from life’s rejections, disappointments, failures, and frustrations is not our role as parents.  Yes, we can “scaffold” them - be there for them when they take action or risks and falter or fail.  But we are doing them a huge disservice if we intervene in their lives so much that we remove the potential for any “negative” emotions and experiences. 

Our children need to learn how to deal with these experiences from a young age so that when they get more complex, they will have the emotional intelligence to cope with these huge emotions and problem solve a way through them.  If we protect them from all possible negative experiences in childhood, their brains will not have the necessary wiring to know how to cope with them in adulthood.

My heart truly goes out to all the children involved in this scandal, whether or not they were knowing participants.  They are the ones who will suffer deeply from the shame, embarrassment, guilt and damaged relationships.  They are the ones who will question their self-worth and whose trust in their parents will have been eroded.  They are the ones who will have to heal.

As you are reading this, I know you are here because you are a deliberate, mindful and intentional parent.  You are doing the best you can with the resources and experience you have and each day you are showing up for your children and being the best parent you can be. 

Just remember, being the best parent doesn’t mean shielding your children from the not-so-nice experiences. Whether it’s another child taking away their toy at the sandpit or a schoolmate excluding them at playtime, our children need us to help them learn to deal with these experiences and the emotions that surface with them, not to step in and protect them from having such experiences in the first place.

Children learn our values through our actions and how to manage emotions through the examples we set.  We are not perfect, but our children can learn how to make amends and move on from mistakes through observing our own imperfection.  Being their emotion coach in childhood is far more valuable than being their superhero. 

Keep your integrity and set the example.  You are the adult.  The parent.  No achievement or opportunity, whether it be a playdate or college placement, is worth risking your relationship with your child and their trust in you.

You do not need to protect them from all life’s hiccups.

Maintaining that positive connection - that’s what’s most important.  That’s what will help them have confidence, integrity, and compassion.  That’s what will help them understand that you love them no matter how they behave, what school they attend or what they achieve in life.  And that positive relationship and love is the security blanket that will truly help them thrive.  Without your intervention.