How does your Parenting Style impact your Child?

Parenting in today’s world is tough.  

There are SO many parenting books and online resources out there for a parent to consume.  And many of them offer conflicting advice.  

Not to mention the social pressure (on and offline) parents feel to be a “good” parent.

Perhaps you have have heard a bit about positive or peaceful parenting but you are not really sure  what the approach is all about or how it differs from the other “styles” of parenting.  

Perhaps you are a relatively-new parent and have recently stumbled upon positive parenting and want to know more about what this approach entails to see if it resonates.

Or perhaps you are a seasoned parenting connoisseur and have already read a myriad of parenting books and blogs and are committed to being a positive parent.

MyParentToolkit’s programs are based on the positive parenting (otherwise known as peaceful parenting) philosophy.  Parents often ask me what positive parenting is all about and how and why it is different from “traditional” parenting.

No matter where you are right now on your positive parenting journey, it might be helpful to take a step back and consider the big picture of this approach.  I hope you’ll indulge in yourself for a moment to do so.

Research into parenting has concluded there are essentially 4 main “styles” of parenting:

1. Authoritarian / Strict Parenting
2. Permissive / Indulgent Parenting
3. Uninvolved / Neglectful Parenting
4. Authoritative Parenting (a.k.a. Positive Parenting)

Let’s briefly look at each of these parenting styles.

Authoritarian / Strict Parenting

Authoritarian parents generally impose strict rules and high expectations on their child. They are demanding and tend to exert control through punishments and fear.  Focus is on the child’s behaviour and achievements.

These parents tend to require that their children “do as they say” and “respect” their parents without question.  They believe strongly that their role is to ensure their child is prepared for the future by studying hard and excelling in academics and extra-curricular activities.   

Children often get limited or no choices and communication is often one-directional (parent to child), without room for discussion or debate.  They want to please their parents to feel loved.

Children of Authoritarian parents generally grow up with low self-self-esteem, a fixed-mindset, angry and with poor social skills.  They struggle with developing loving, balanced relationships and despite many achieving academic or career “successes,” happiness and personal satisfaction remain elusive.

Permissive / Indulgent Parenting

Permissive parents are generally very responsive, loving and nurturing of their children.  They tend to be lenient and undemanding.  These parents may have very little or no structure, limits and rules in the family, or if they do exist, they are often inconsistent in their application.  

Parents give their children a lot of freedom and try not to upset or disappoint their children, instead wanting to have a friend-type relationship with their child.  The joy of learning rather than academic excellence is the focus during the school years.  

Children can often easily convince their parents to change or bend the rules and that their parents will often “give in”. 

Children of Permissive parents generally grow up to be quite self-centred, insecure and have poor social skills.  They often lack self-discipline and engage in dangerous or illegal behaviour from a lack of understanding of consequences and can have low motivation to achieve things in life.

Uninvolved / Neglectful Parenting

Uninvolved parents generally have low expectations of their child and set few limits and boundaries for them.  They tend not to impose structure and rules on their child and are often not present in a child’s daily life, perhaps due to other commitments.  

Children are often left to look after themselves and get used to being quite independent and unsupported from an early age.  They tend to not have a very warm and loving relationship with their parents and spend a lot of time on their own or unsupervised.

Children of Uninvolved parents are the most at-risk and generally grow up to have a range or personal, social and career issues.  They struggle to form close, loving relationships and suffer from low self-esteem.

Authoritative / Positive Parenting

Authoritative parents (not to be confused with Authoritarian parents), generally have high expectations for their child and support their child in meeting these expectations with a high level of support, responsiveness and understanding.

Authoritative parents set firm limits and boundaries and give their children structure and rules by which to live.  Parents use intentional, empathetic verbal and non-verbal communication to support their children.   These parents employ understanding, natural consequences and repair processes instead of shouting, nagging, bribes, threats and punishments to control their children.

Children feel they can turn to their parents for support and understanding, even if they have done something wrong or made a bad judgement.  They felt “heard” and “understood” and unconditionally loved.

Children of Authoritative parents generally grow up to have a strong self-esteem, a growth-mindset and developed emotional intelligence.  They tend to show the attributes of self-discipline, resilience and perseverance and are able to develop loving, multi-dimensional relationships.

Why Positive Parenting?

The benefits of this approach are scientifically proven.

Parents who use this approach tend to be calmer and feel more in control.  They have a closer and more open relationship with their child which allows them to come up with collaborative solutions when things don’t go to plan.  These parents respect each child as an individual and generally feel they are being the best parent they can be.

Children who are raised with this approach have been proven to be happier, more self-confident, self-aware, empathetic, independent and feel they have a strong, positive bond with their parents.  Their values are closely aligned with that of their parents and they have developed a strong internal guide and confidence to help them problem solve situations as they mature.  These children are not blindly obedient to authority, but will follow guidance where a strong bond of trust has formed.

So how does Positive Parenting Work?

The main focus of Positive or Peaceful Parenting is on you, the parent.   

In fact, in this style of parenting, the measure of good parenting is not how your child behaves, it’s how YOU behave!  

(Are you feeling the pressure yet?! - Please don’t - you CAN do this!)

I prefer to call this style of parenting, Deliberate Parenting or Mindful Parenting, because I feel these terms speak more specifically to how it all works.

In Deliberate Parenting, you, the parent, intentionally focus on 3 main areas:

1. Relationship and Connection
2. Self-Regulation
3. Unconditional Love

Let’s briefly dive into each of these areas.

Relationship and Connection

It is SO important to nurture the relationship that you have with your child and ensure that they feel a strong, positive bond with you.  Of course, every child feels a natural bond to their parents, but it takes work to develop this bond and continually nurture that connection.  

Shouting, nagging, threats, time-outs and other punishments erode the parent-child relationship.  If you have a defiant child, you can be sure they are not feeling connected to you in that moment.

In the moment, when your child is having a hard time or misbehaving, meet them with empathy and understanding instead of frustration, anger, disappointment or punishments.  Try to reflect back their thoughts and feelings so that they "hear" that you understand why they are having such a hard time.  A child who feels understood will stay connected to you, even when they are full of emotion.  Help your child to understand and manage their emotions, which will naturally de-escalate any heated moment.

One of the easiest ways to proactively nurture your relationship with your child is to ensure that you spend a bit of one-on-one time with them (“Special Time”) everyday.  This could be as little as 10-15 minutes of your undivided attention, but even this can go a long way to ensuring your child feels connected to you.  

The more your child feels connected to you, the more they will look to you to guide them, listen to you and cooperate with you.

Self-Regulation

Okay, here’s the tough bit.  You, as the parent, need to be able to regulate your own emotions.  

I’ll say that again, because it’s important.

You are the parent and the adult.  Your child needs you to be the parent and be in control.  You need to be able to regulate your own emotions.

What does that mean in reality?  

It means that you probably need to work on healing yourself a little.  Taking a hard look at what triggers you, what sets you off like an uncontrollable firework.  And forgiving yourself where you still carry guilt.

It means that in the moment, when your child misbehaves or doesn’t meet your expectations, that you take a moment for yourself first, before reacting, so that you can engage your rational brain rather than your emotional brain, and meet your child with empathy rather than frustration, disappointment or anger. 

So that you can BE the parent, stay in control of your own emotions and  behaviour and be the role-model for your child.

It means that you take the time to look after yourself first, because if you are not 100% mentally, physically and emotionally, you cannot sustainably be there 110% for your child.

Unconditional Love

I know, we all DO really love our children unconditionally.  

But when we use ineffective parenting techniques such as shouting, threats, time-outs and other punishments, we are essentially withdrawing our love and teaching our children that it is conditional.

It’s important to set clear limits and have boundaries.  Children need these to feel safe and thrive.  They need to know what is expected of them and how to meet those expectations.

And when your child misbehaves, try to let the natural consequences “teach” them the lesson, rather than impose an arbitrary punishment on them.  If they make a mistake, try to help them “fix’ the mistake.  

Engage in problem solving with them to help them understand and work through the emotions that drive their poor decisions, so that they can make better decisions in the future.  If your child is having difficulty meeting your expectations, have a think about whether your expectations are reasonable and what skills your child might be lacking to be able to meet those expectations - and then focus on helping them gain those skills so that they can meet your expectations in the future.

Know that whatever parenting approach you have been using up until now, you have been doing the best that you can with the resources you’ve had.  Parenting can be so challenging and so much of the learning of how to parent happens on the job and as you go.

Deliberate parenting asks parents to take a step back and not just let parenting “happen”.  

It recognises that most parents need support to raise their kids - whether from extended family, community or others.  

It asks that you are mindful that how you behave and communicate with your child has a direct influence on their development, emotions and behaviour.  And that you become conscious of this incredible and powerful influence you have on your child’s life.

YOU CAN control how you parent and BE the best parent you can be.  You might need some support to get there, but it’s totally possible.

You’ve got this.

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