Help your children manage disappointment during the holidays

With all the extra things going on over the festive season, kids can get pretty excited and wound up.  

Breaking disappointing news to them can be tough.  

It’s can be especially tricky to tell them that they can’t have or do something when they are super excited and have their minds and hearts set on whatever it is. 

Whether it’s putting up Christmas decorations, going to play with a friend, that toy they “must have” in the shop or not getting the thing they really wanted for Christmas, letting your children feel disappointed, helping them process those emotions and learn that they can survive those feelings is part of your role as a parent.

Every family has their own festive season rituals that the kids look forward to each year.  One of the obvious ones for many is putting up and decorating the tree and house, or lighting the candles.  My kids just LOVE decorating the tree and lighting the candles.  In fact, they were SO excited this year that when they woke up on December 1st, they decided that it was time to put up the tree and start decorating the house.

Now, I don’t know about you, but in our house, we don’t usually put up the tree and decorations until mid-December!  So my husband and I felt it was WAY too early and, it being a Saturday morning, we had other things we needed to get done.  We knew they were going to be hugely disappointed when we broke the news to them that the tree and decorations weren’t going to happen that day, and, like most parents, we felt bad that we were going to be the cause of that disappointment.

However, sometimes your kids are going to be disappointed.  Sometimes you’re going to let them down or they’ll be let down by something/someone else.  It happens.  It’s totally normal and experiencing those feelings, learning to process them and manage them is part of what kids need to go through to develop their emotional intelligence.

So how do you do it?

Start by acknowledging where they are at.  The thing they want to do or have their heart set on.  Let them know that you’ve heard them and you totally get it - that you understand how they feel and how important it is to them.

You don’t need to make excuses or give them all the explanations of why they can’t do or have what they want, you just need to acknowledge that you know they want it and how disappointed they must feel they can’t have/do it.

For example, we said to our kids “We know that you are SO excited for Christmas and you really can’t wait to put up the tree and decorations.  It’s fantastic that you collaborated and made a joint decision that today was the tree day.  We are really excited too that it’s December already and there are so many fun things happening this month.  AND unfortunately, we already had plans for today and so we won’t have time to put up the tree - let’s look at the family calendar and find another day where we can plan to do it.”

Avoid using the word “but”….  “I know you really want to BUT we can’t today.”  When your child hears the BUT word, they only hear what comes after it.  It negates everything you said before it.  So instead, use the word “and”….  “I know you really want to AND we can’t today.”  It’s softer, but also maintains the legitimacy of the acknowledgement you started with, which is so important for the validation of their feelings and perspective.

In our case, we were able to accommodate their desires by selecting a future date.  If you can foresee that you can accommodate their wishes in the future, it’s great to let them know when this will be so that they can accept it’s not happening now but that there is a certain time it will happen.  This won’t always be possible, as in the case of if your child is screaming for THAT toy that they MUST have in the shop. 

If it’s something they want, you could say “how about we put that on your wish list so that when your birthday/Christmas/other special occasion comes around, we’ll have it on your list of things people might get you?”  Always make sure you acknowledge their feelings and perspective, before offering any solutions like this.  Another possible response for an undeniable desire for something in a shop would be “I can see how much you want this.  I wonder, if you could earn this item by doing xyz more around the house (e.g. extra contributions beyond what would usually be expected) or if you could save up your pocket money to buy it?”

Sometimes, despite our very best intentions and the good intentions of friends and family, children feel disappointed on Christmas Day or Eve, when they traditionally open their gifts.  Perhaps they were expecting or had their heart set on receiving a particular item, and it turns out they didn’t.  Perhaps they received an item but it wasn’t the right variation of what they had hoped for “I wanted the green car, not the blue one!”.  

Often, children can be disappointed at the slightest things and we, in turn, can often feel that they are being incredibly ungrateful when we see that reaction.  We can feel our children are spoiled, entitled, ungrateful, etc and we subconsciously or consciously project into the future that they will be a selfish adult, no-one will like them, etc etc.  And this can be a massive trigger for many parents - giving rise to negative thoughts about their child as well as strong emotions - frustration, anger, annoyance, etc.

So, what do you do then?

Well, if you find yourself reacting to your child’s disappointment, then the first thing you need to do is to take some time for yourself to temper your response.  Take a deep breath, say a mantra to yourself  (such as “My child is disappointed and that’s okay, I have to help them through that.”).     Remind yourself that kids have strong emotions too, and that’s okay.  

When you are sufficiently calm, acknowledge your child’s disappointment.  Let them know that you understand how they are feeling “I can see you are SO disappointed that you didn’t get what you were hoping for” and that those feelings do happen and are entirely normal.  

At a later point, away from the moment, you can follow up that moment by having a conversation about gratitude and expressions of gratitude.  I’ll bet it’s not that your child isn’t grateful, but that their disappointment was just so strong that they couldn’t express the gratitude.  You can practice this with them, give examples of things they could say in that moment to let the other person know they are still grateful for what they received, even if they are disappointed. Give them sample words and phrases they could say that might be acceptable so they can remember and access those easily when the moment next arises (and, I’m afraid to say, it will).

A fundamental role of parenting is to teach your child how to understand, express and manage their emotions.  That includes all the “ugly” emotions such as disappointment, fear, anger, anxiousness, annoyance, etc.  Often these emotions occur at the most inconvenient times for us as parents, and that’s absolutely normal.  Remind yourself that your child needs your help to navigate those tricky emotional moments and not be punished for feeling them.  They can learn that their expression of these emotions with inappropriate behaviours and words is not acceptable, no matter how strong their emotions.  Teach them alternative, acceptable behaviours and words to use the next time.