Help Your Child Talk (to you)

Do you ever wish that your child would tell you more about their life? 

Do you have a child that isn’t eager to tell you about their day when they return home from school, or perhaps never really tells you anything about their school life or interactions with friends?

Or a child who misbehaves but is unwilling to talk to you about that misbehaviour?

Or maybe a child who just doesn’t open up and talk to you very easily about their thoughts, dreams or problems?

There are many potential reasons why this might be happening.  Understanding those reasons will open up possibilities for solutions.  And potential ways for you to help your child feel safe to open up, talk to you more and let you into their world.

WHY YOUR CHILD MIGHT NOT TELL YOU THINGS

We ask the wrong questions

Now, most parents would agree that asking your child the question “How was your day?” will not elicit the most lengthly of responses.  You’ll generally receive a “good” “fine” or “okay” in response unless your child loves to chat and tell you everything (sometimes, regards of whether you asked!).

If you’re reading this, you’ll probably already know that asking “open-ended” or “more creative” questions to your child is one tactic to getting them to give you slightly more detailed and informative responses.  For example, “what’s the best thing that happened today?” Or “what’s something that made you laugh/smile today?”  These tend to elicit more than a yes/no/good/fine answer from kids.

My child just doesn’t talk a lot

Whilst asking different questions certainly can help, some of you might be thinking “but I’ve already tried asking different types of questions but I still get one-word or very limited answers.” 

And maybe you’re thinking, that’s just my child’s way or they don’t like to talk a lot.

And it is true - temperament and nature can play a role here. 

Maybe you have a quiet-natured child.  Maybe your child is naturally self-reflective and prefers to process “stuff” internally or on their own.  Maybe they are an introvert and talking to you or answering your questions is just one more energy-draining activity that, at the end of the school day, is a tough ask. 

And whilst you may have a child who leans towards these tendencies, it’s more than likely they probably still would love to tell you more about their life - but they’re just not sure how, what to say, or it doesn’t feel quite right.

They fear our reactions

Sometimes, our children struggle to talk to us or tell us “stuff” about their lives because they are worried.  They might be consciously worried or fearful, or, more than likely, the apprehension is playing out on a subconscious level.

So, your child might be worried or afraid of how you’ll react.  They might worry about being judged, criticised or punished.  They might not want to face any additional questions you may ask if they start telling you something.  They might worry that you’ll get upset or angry.  Not only at them, but they might also worry that you’ll find what they say upsetting. 

They might worry about being interrogated by you once they say something, or that you’ll interfere in a situation or try to “fix” things.

Our kids might worry about any or all of these things either rationally, because they have experienced us behaving or reacting in a certain way previously, or irrationally.   You might never have reacted a certain way but they still anticipate it or are fearful that it’s a potential.

How do you know if your child is fearful?

That’s a tricky one that will require you to do some detective work. You’ll need to think back to when your child used to tell you stuff, try to figure out when it stopped and what might have changed. 

It helps to think back to times they might have told you about things they did that you didn’t approve of, or situations where you might have reacted strongly to - try to reflect on how you might have reacted and how that reaction could have been interpreted.

Another way to decipher if your child might be anxious to tell you things is if you have that sense or feeling that they would like to share but don’t. If you feel that sometimes they initiate a share but then stop themselves or change the subject.  Or if you sense that they have a lot going on internally or in their world and could do with offloading some of it but still don’t.

Ultimately you know your child.  You’ll probably have a gut feel for what might be going on and even if you’re not sure, open your heart and mind up to the possibilities and remain inquisitive to the reasons why they might not be sharing their world with you as much as you’d like.

HELPING YOUR CHILD OPEN UP MORE

So, given all that might be contributing to your child being reluctant or unwilling to talk to you and open up more about their life, thoughts, dreams, etc., how can you support them to feel safe and WANT to talk to you more?

Give them opportunities to speak

It seems obvious, but sometimes we occupy the airspace unintentionally with our questions and/or comments and don’t allow enough opportunities for our child to speak at the moment when they feel most comfortable to do so. 

Being a bit more conscious of how we present ourselves as parents, if we are overly-eager to “hear” about their day, if we are naturally chatty and/or extroverted, if we tend to ask lots of questions in a row without taking a breath… all of these things might unintentionally inhibit our child from talking to us or opening up. 

Just being more aware of how you are and your interactions with your child, whether upon reconnecting after a school day or while you’re in the same family space, can often give you clues to how you might show up slightly differently to give your child more opportunities to speak.

Just listen

Sometimes, when we ask questions our children just don’t want to answer.  They want the freedom to tell us what they want to tell us, in their own time and their own way.  They need us to hear them - to listen to them.  Without questions, judgment, criticism or action.  Just to listen. 

Think about when you’ve had a lot going on in your day and you turn to a friend to “download’.  You just want to get it all out and you’re not really looking for advice, questions or a response. You just want to offload and tell someone. 

This is often the case with our kids - they do want to tell someone “all the stuff” but they don’t want any of the “other stuff” we parents might come back with - the questions, the judgement, the advice, etc.

So if you feel that your child is starting to tell you something or even just sense that they have something on their mind, just be present with them. And stay silent.  Keep your body language open and receptive. 

Make the atmosphere calm and welcoming and if they do start talking, don’t interrupt.  Just listen. 

Listen until they ask you to respond.  They may not ask - and if not, there is no need for you to respond.  You are “telling” them by not responding that you CAN be there for them to offload their stuff without fear of a reaction of some sort. 

You can show interest without being concerned or without being “that overbearing parent” that they might (irrationally or not) fear.

Watch Your Body Language

For some children, direct eye contact and face to face chat can feel too…confrontational.  It can feel too intense and intimidating.  This frequently happens with tweens and teens and can often happen with introverted or more self-reflective children.

It’s important to be aware of your own body language and what messages you might unintentionally be conveying to your child.  Are you casual, open and non-judgemental?  Or are you analytical, inquisitive and a bit more intense?

In addition to being aware of your body language, there are other things we can do to help our children feel less “on the spot” and more open to chatting to us.  Such as engaging in sideways chat - where the two of you are not facing each other but are sitting side by side or, as in a car, facing in the same direction.  This also helps you avoid eye contact, which can make it easier for your child to open up to you and feel less intimidated.

Let them know how much it means to you

If your child does talk to you about something, or shares part of their life with you, you can let them know how much that means to you. 

If you sense it was tricky for them to share or that they might have debated whether to share, you can also empathise and let them know that you “get it” - that you understand it may not have been easy or intuitive for them to talk to you and that you really appreciate that they did.

Sometimes, especially if they have poor self-esteem or are under the impression their parents are too busy or stressed, our kids feel like they can’t tell us stuff because it’s not important enough or as important as other things. 

So it can help to let them know that we do care, that we do want to hear and that we are capable of just listening to what they have to say without always having to comment, react or inquire further.

CONNECTION

And we cannot forget the importance of connection in all of this. 

Of developing, having and maintaining a strong, positive relationship with our child so that they feel unconditionally loved, safe and close to us. 

Having a strong connection with your child will help them WANT to tell you things about their life.  They will want to share with you because they feel so deeply connected. 

It’s important to continually work on this connection with each child individually - especially if you feel that your child doesn’t feel comfortable talking to you or sharing their life with you. 

Most kids naturally need a way to process their day and want to share things with the people who mean the most to them - you, their parents.  If your child is not talking to you or has stopped sharing their life with you, be inquisitive as to why. 

Consider all the possibilities and try the various solution strategies.  Do not just “let it go” or brush it off as that’s just the way your child is.  To do so would be a disservice to your child and yourself. 

Work on your relationship, on your connection.  Work on having fun together, playing and laughing together as a way of getting them to feel more comfortable - comfortable and safe enough to open up again to you.  It is worth it. 

Note:  If you are looking for ways to connect with your child, check out next week’s blog on connection.  Drop your details below to be among the first to be notified when that article goes “live” on the blog so you can be equipped with some peaceful, pragmatic strategies as soon as possible.