Enforcing "Forgotten" Limits

My husband and I recently found ourselves regularly sitting at the family dinner table in silence.  Our kids' heads were buried in books and we sat there, opposite each other, both thinking that this wasn’t the “family dinner” we had anticipated.

You see, since the kids emerged from toddlerhood, we’ve had a “family rule” that there are no books or toys at the table. 

For us, mealtimes are for eating and conversation - a time for us to reconnect as a family and chat about anything or everything. 

So, when we found ourselves sat at the table with NO conversation happening and two of our kids' heads down, mindlessly shoving food into their mouths after every swallow, we had to take stock.

How did this happen, we asked ourselves.  We were sure we had a no-reading no-playing at the table rule which the kids were aware of, so how did we get to this point?

The truth is, there were many factors.  Too many to list here without it sounding like a bunch of excuses.

It happens. 

One day we let a rule slide for a totally justifiable reason, the next time we are too tired to enforce it, and then we slowly notice that the kids have conveniently “forgotten” the rule. 

Sound familiar?

It doesn’t matter what the “rule” or limit is.  It could be a limit around bedtimes, the number of stories you read, how frequently they need to wash, how much screen time they get or whether homework happens before or after dinner.   

Whatever your limits are, sometimes we find they’ve slowly fallen by the wayside and you end up with frustrating situations that were totally preventable.

Like us, at a silent dinner table.

So here’s what we did.

The Plan for Enforcing “Forgotten" Limits

1. My husband and I regrouped. 

We chatted and agreed neither of us liked the situation.  No blaming, no excuses.  Just agreeing that the current status quo was not acceptable and needed to change.

This is important because when you have a family rule or limit, you need to know why you’ve got it.  It if’s supporting a core value, then you’re more likely to enforce the boundaries when your kids try to test them. 

Besides, being on the same page as your parenting partner is always a plus.

2. We decided to have an impromptu family meeting. 

We asked our kids to sit down with us and we discussed how we used to have a rule about no reading at the table but it seemed to have disappeared. 

And then we talked about WHY we had this rule.

More importantly, we actually ASKED THE KIDS why they thought we thought it was important.  Whether you have younger kids or teenagers, soliciting their input is far more effective than you rambling away at them.

It was no surprise then that our kids were able to tell us straight away all the reasons why we didn’t want them reading during family mealtimes.  It almost surprised us how easily they were able to ramble off the various reasons!

3. We empathetically re-stated the limit. 

We discussed how we still thought it was important that there was no reading at the table and that we would appreciate it if they would keep family mealtimes for eating and chatting, and leave the books for before or after mealtimes. 

Now..., we do have 2 tweens who were able to come up with lots of arguments as to why they wanted to read at the table, including one very clever line about how much we’re always promoting reading as a valuable past time!  We listened to all their arguments, empathised and then restated our rule, why we felt it was important and that we planned to re-enforce it effective the following day.

4. We saw immediate results.

I’m not kidding. 

The next day, we didn’t even have to remind the children that no books were allowed.  As they were setting the table, I watched from the kitchen as they put their books away and cleared space for the dishes.  They didn’t even mention their books, reading or the rule.

And the conversation came back.  As if by magic.  The books disappeared and the talking started again.  I kid you not.  It sounds incredible and on some level, it also surprised us, even though it shouldn’t have.

The lesson? 

Sometimes we are reluctant or afraid of enforcing limits with our kids.  For so many reasons.  It takes effort, we’re afraid of the backlash, we don’t want to be mean, we’re tired, etc. etc. etc.

But the thing is, kids need us to enforce the limits we have set out for them.  Whether they are toddlers or tweens, they need us to set and keep boundaries for them. 

Will they constantly test them?  Sure, that’s their job!  But should we cave in just because they do that?  No way! That’s our job.

If you’ve consciously set a limit or rule for your child, there’s probably a good reason for it.  Maybe it’s for their safety, maybe it reinforces a family value.  Whatever your reason, assuming there is one, then help your child out and make the effort to consistently enforce the limit.  Maybe they’ll give you flack for it, maybe they’ll protest, maybe they’ll try to see if they can stretch the limit. 

That’s okay.  Expect the pushback so you’re not upset when it happens but can respond to it calmly, empathetically and rationally.

And know, that even if they do protest or push back, they will respect your limit and you more for having consistently upheld it for their sake.