Eliminating Bedtime Battles

Are Bedtimes a daily battle in your house?

Do you dread the evening hours post-dinner and just wish someone could teleport you elsewhere each night until the kids are fast asleep?

Maybe your child employs lots of delay tactics (Just one more story? I’m thirsty?  I need a peeeee!). 

Maybe they run around the house engaging in an impromptu game of chase at the very mention of bath or bedtime. 

Maybe they put on their most irritating, whining voice and flat out refuse “No! I’m NOT going to bed!”

Or maybe they have developed some sort of fear or anxiety about going to bed and need you to sit or lie with them for what feels like hours each evening.

Regardless of what they do, if you find yourself engaging in bedtime battles with your child, it can be exhausting.  Both mentally and physically.  At the end of the day, not only are they tired (and that’s why they need to get into bed!) but we ourselves have often had enough and need some quiet adult time!

So what can you do to tame these bedtime battles?

The Gift of Sleep

Before we get into that, I want to be open that after having 3 kids, there is one belief I have come to feel pretty strongly about when it comes to sleep.  That is, some kids are just born with the gift and ability to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep.  They are the lucky ones as it really is a gift - for them and for you. 

After my first born was a terrible sleeper from the day she entered this world, I tried EVERYTHING to help her get to sleep and stay asleep.  12 years later, and I have learned that this little person just struggles to get to sleep and stay asleep.  It’s a skill she’s having to practice and learn and we’re hoping she’ll get it by the time she leaves home! 

Contrast that to our second child who we just put in her cot and who fell asleep all on her own. You know, that baby that coo’s and babbles and then goes quiet without you being in the room and realising it.  The one that sleeps through the night without a fuss and wakes up happy, full of song and smiles. 

What I know for sure is that I didn’t DO anything to either of these children to make one or the other sleep better.  They were born this way.  And you, being the expert in your own child, will know what kind of natural sleeper you have.  Maybe they fall asleep easily or are good at staying asleep.  Or maybe they always struggle to fall asleep and seem to need your reassurance but once asleep they are fine?  Or maybe, like my first born, both falling asleep and staying asleep doesn’t come naturally to your child.  Each child will have their own natural tendencies.  Tuning into these in the first place (and not blaming yourself for them) will go along way to help you manage any bedtime battles.

Sleep is one of the most restorative things we can do for ourselves and getting good sleep not only helps us thrive in daily life, but ensures good growth, health and wellbeing.  Sufficient and good sleep is critical for our kids in order for their brains to process and synthesise their day and their bodies to repair and grow.  It’s one of the core human needs and therefore can be one of the causes of misbehaviour, tantrums, anxiety or ill health.  So it’s critical we help our kids get as much of it as possible!

Back to Bedtime Battles

Here are some things to consider around bedtime:

Have A Consistent Bedtime Routine

Yes, I know you’ve probably heard this before and maybe you even think it’s all in the bag.  Maybe.  The reality is, most children do better at bedtime when they have a consistent bedtime routine.  It could look something like dinner, play, bath, teeth, toilet, stories and lights out.  Or bath, play, milk & cookie, teeth, toilet, stories, solo reading and lights out.  Or play, bath, stories, songs, teeth, toilet and lights out.  You get the idea.

Although it certainly helps to have the timings consistent as well (if you can aim to have your lights out within the same half hour window each night that will help your child’s body clock know it’s bedtime), the ACTUAL times don’t really matter.  It’s more about the routine than the time on the clock.

Do you need to have a routine forever?  Probably not.  If you’ve been pretty consistent with your routine for a few years and your child knows the drill and goes to bed without a fuss, then by all means, you can skip bits of the routine now and again and be more flexible. Especially as they get a bit older and more independent.  How flexible you can be is dependent on you and your child and something for you to determine.

Can You Make It More “Fun”?

Kids love to play and have fun and oftentimes find us adults far too serious.  So anything you can do to inject a bit of fun into the bedtime routine will go a long way to diminishing any battles. 

Maybe you can have a quick pillow fight or a little dance before getting into bed.  To begin with, your child might enjoy this so much they don’t want it to end.  Empathise with that but commit to them this will be part of your daily bedtime routine and once they know it’s going to happen everyday, they will be able to end the fun when you say it’s time.  (A timer can also help here.)

What Can Your Child Control?

Depending on the age of your child, there is a lot in the bedtime routine that they can probably do on their own or have some control over.  Maybe they can decide what pj’s to wear, whether to brush their teeth before or after their bath or which nights they have to have a full wash.  If they are old enough, maybe they can be in charge of their whole bedtime routine with you only having too start it off and be there to tuck them in at the end. 

Most children like to feel like they have a say in how they do things and even when they do things, so if you can give them control within defined limits, this will help them get on board with what they have to do - resulting in a more peaceful bedtime process for all.

Make sure you’ve had 10-15 minutes “Special Time”

Having 1-on-1 focused time with each child on a daily basis goes a long way to filling up their internal bucket and reducing their “neediness” in the evening. 

This is not just time that you have spent together going through the daily schedule or running errands. This is focused time and attention on them, doing something they want to do with you, without any distractions.  No siblings, tasks, phones, screens. 

Just you and your kid, doing something together.  Commit to doing it daily and it will have a huge impact on your bedtime battles.

Address Any Fears or Anxiety Head On

Maybe your child thinks there are monsters under the bed, mice in the walls or just has a general anxiety about being in the dark and alone at night time.  Telling them that they’re being silly, that of course there isn’t anything of the sort about, or generally dismissing their fears is not advisable.  Instead, try to help them face their fears or anxiety head on.  Talk about it in advance.  If they are younger, make it light-hearted and let them know before they go into their room that you’ve checked it over and monster-proofed it for the night.  If they are older, try to problem solve how you can help them feel safer.  Maybe they need a night light, a special cuddly, a weighted blanket, some music or a meditation to get their mind into a quieter place and a space where they can feel secure.

Empathise and realise that their fear and anxiety may be very real.  From that perspective, you will be able to approach it from a place of love and support rather than frustration and exasperation.

Have a Goodnight Connection Ritual

You have probably already done this naturally since your child was a baby.  Maybe you give them a gentle massage before bed, sing them a few songs, make up a story, tell them a story or read them a book.  Maybe you have 3 strong cuddles and say a few affirmations.  Maybe you tell each other the best bits about your day or hopes for the day ahead. 

Whatever works for you and your child, having a nice, feel-good bedtime ritual will help your child feel connected to you before you ask them to drift off to sleep without you.  These are the moments your child cherishes and will remember long into their adult life.

Build Time Into Your Schedule

If you know your child struggles to get through the bedtime routine or go to sleep and, for the moment, needs a bit of your support to do so, then rather than get frustrated every night when it happens, then help yourself by building in a bit more time into your schedule.  Start your bedtime routine earlier if they dilly-dally around and aren’t yet great at getting through the routine. 

Ask your child to get into bed earlier if they need you to sit with them for a while.  For example, if your child needs you to sit with them for an hour before they can fall asleep, then get them into bed an hour before the time you need them asleep and build that time into your schedule.  And then you can work on reducing that time without feeling as frustrated.

Have a vague time in your mind when you’d like your “me” evening time to start and work backward.

Know It’s Not Forever

It really isn’t.  I love my sleep and love having my own space when I sleep.  But when a child ends up in my bed in the middle of the night, I remind myself that, for whatever reason, they need that security and reassurance and that this isn’t forever.  Really - when your child is 18, they won’t be coming into your bed at night!!

Similarly, if they need you to get to sleep or need your help to get through the routine, it won’t be forever.  Take that as a starting point and then use the above tips to support your child through bedtime without any battles.

Allow Yourself to Reframe

Instead of “battling” bedtime, can you reframe this and try to find the positives in your bedtime routine?  What is going well?  Recognise this and even let your child know that they’re proficient at that bit.  What needs improvement?  How can you get your child to problem-solve this with you so that they are on board with any new tactics?  Remember, the more your child can think it’s their great idea (and not yours that you’re imposing on them) the more likely it is they will be willing to try it out and stick to it.

And can you reframe any frustration so that you see your child’s struggle at bedtime as something they need your help and guidance on?  Can you build in a few extra minutes to reconnect with them and offer them the reassurance they need?  Sometimes it helps to think of your child as a baby - if they were that tiny baby again, what would you do?  What tone of voice would you use with them?  What would your body language be like?  How much patience would you have? 

As our children get older and bigger, our expectations of them grow exponentially.  If your child is 12 or under, I promise you, they are STILL little.  They are very much a child and they very much need your love, reassurance and connection.  Whether it’s help with structuring their time, increasing their independence skills or guidance in mastering the sleep skill, they still need you. 

And it really won’t be forever.