Do you want your children to be successful?

Do you want your children to be successful as adults?  Do you find yourself struggling with the definition of “success” as it pertains to your children’s future? What does it look like?  What am I really hoping for, for my children? 

One of the things that many parents hope for their children, whether overtly or secretly, is “success”.  It is up there among the hopes for happiness, joy, love, fulfilment, independence and good health.  And yet, how parents would define this “success” varies widely.  It can be quite a controversial word that some parents might even deny that they consider it important.

I still struggle with the definition of success in my personal life. 

As a second-generation Japanese living outside Japan, but still having been raised in Asia, I grew up feeling some kind of expectation that I should be “successful”.  I don’t know that my parents themselves ever expressed this specifically, or if it was just a cultural norm.  My parents are probably the most non-traditional Japanese people out there – they left Japan as teenagers and in their minds adhered to western culture even though we still lived in Asia. 

But I am not sure you can really reject your own culture when it is such an integral part of who you are, like the blood flowing through your veins.

In Asia, there is an expectation that children should be more “successful” than their parents.  This “success” is most commonly defined as financial independence and wealth, usually gained through a high-profile professional career. 

Adults should not only be financially independent, but also theoretically able to support or enhance their parents lifestyle, as a way of expressing gratitude for the foundation that their parents provided.  Traditionally, that often meant being a doctor, lawyer, banker, consultant or proven entrepreneur.  Stature and boasting rights are of equal importance to the income level. 

I know that a lot of western parents would find this alarming.  But Asians are usually not ashamed of admitting that this is what they expect of their children.  They will expand upon this definition by saying that of course financial success brings stability and accompanying stature is your profile and reputation in the wider community, and so actually, it’s these things that are driving the desire for success, not the financial wealth itself.

In my formative years, I felt this unspoken expectation so strongly that despite my desire to study philosophy and education, I ended up getting a “useful” degree from an Ivy League university and spent more than 10 years in a high-achieving corporate career – all of which my family could be proud of and boast about to their friends. 

But did I feel successful? 

And more importantly, was I “happy”?

I know a lot of western parents would say that it doesn’t matter what their child ends up doing as a career or how much money they earn, they just want them to be “happy”.  In fact, with all the parenting advice out there these days, that is definitely the current trend – to ensure that your children achieve this ambiguous “happiness”. 

And a lot of the parenting advice stops just short of shaming parents who express a desire for their children to be “successful”, although I feel that most parents deep down would honestly say that “success” (however they define it) is actually desirable.

I now have 3 children of my own and my eldest is starting to contemplate her future.  We have talks about what is important in life – what she considers important and what I, as her parent and life guide feel she needs to consider. 

Do I mention success? 

Tony Robbins said that “Success without fulfilment is failure.  Success without meaning makes people miserable.”

When I talk to my daughter, we do talk about meaning and fulfilment.  We talk about having a purpose in life and impact on the world.  We talk about dreams and paths towards attaining them. 

But we also get real and talk about daily life. 

That whatever our paths and dreams, we need to be able first to look after ourselves, be healthy, be self-reliant and financially stable.   That without these things, it is very difficult to have a sense of fulfilment.  And without that sense of fulfilment, life can feel a bit empty.

I explain to her that my role in life is to teach her how to look after herself so that she can be independent and self-reliant.  That each day, when she completes her self-care routines, contributes to household tasks, is physically active, pays attention at school and studies diligently, that these things are just giving her the foundation in life. 

And on top of that foundation is where she can dream and seek her purpose.

I wonder whether my cultural background and the unspoken expectation of “success” is creeping through in my unintentional parenting moments.  I wonder if, even being a deliberate parent and a positive parenting educator, I can realistically stop that cultural heritage impacting another generation. 

Of course, there are positive and negatives of every culture so we’ll want a lot of the positive stuff to be passed on – but can we really stop the cultural stuff we don’t want?

What I do know as a positive parenting educator is this:  We cannot control our children.  They are their own, independent selves and we need to respect that. 

We can however, for the most part, control ourselves and then seek to influence and guide our children.  We can influence them and help them learn to become confident, independent and self-reliant. 

To be resilient, compassionate and understanding of others. 

These are all part of the strong foundation we are helping them build. 

Research has proven than these characteristics are often found in people with strong human relationships.   And that these human relationships are often the root of fulfilment and an essential element to the meaning of life.  

 “Life is not about getting what you want, it is about becoming more….  It’s not what you get, it’s who you become.” – (more!) Tony Robbins. 

My personal definition of success? 

I’m still not sure what it is. 

But I do know that my role as a parent is to help my children to be their best selves. 

To help my children build a solid foundation and sense of who they are within themselves.  To ensure they have this so that they can dream and find their own sense of fulfilment.  And that is a critical part of my own “success” as a parent.