Cultivating Gratitude

“I want a new…!!!”

“I need a drink!”

“It’s so unfair.  Why can’t I…?”

It’s a common pet peeve for the majority of parents out there. 

When your child says something or demands something that gives you the impression that they are totally unappreciative of what they have. 

When what they say makes you wonder what on earth you’ve done wrong to end up with a child who, in that moment, seems so spoiled, entitled and ungrateful. 

It can feel like a real parenting failure.  Not to mention be incredibly frustrating and triggering.

We all want our children to be able to acknowledge and appreciate what they have and how fortunate they are.  To recognise that their life and surroundings might differ from their peers or other people they know, and that it might be due to your family values, circumstances or a combination of these.  That it’s not about good or bad or comparing yourself, but being grateful for where you are.

The thing is, children and adolescents, are, by their very nature, self-centered.  They are egotistical.  It’s part of human development - their whole world revolves around themselves.  So, when we expect them to naturally think of and consider others or the wider environment, it can often be a big ask. 

But of course it’s possible.  Cultivating gratitude, compassion, empathy and consideration is part of our role as parents.  It’s our role to show them that actually, life is more satisfying when you can appreciate and empathise with others.  That it actually feels good to do so and can give you a sense of personal fulfillment.

So, how do we do it?

Practice what you Preach

One of the best and easiest ways to cultivate gratitude in your children is to be a role model and practice consistently expressing gratitude yourself.

You may already do this privately.  But for our children to learn this skill from us, we need to practice being more public about our gratitude.

In previous times when more families were practicing religion, there might have been prayers that were said throughout the day or at least daily, expressing thanks and gratitude for a multitude of things.  These days, saying prayers as a family or publicly in the home is often not commonplace.  So, especially if you are not religious, think of it almost as if you are replacing what would have been a daily prayer with this new, public expression of thanks.

Let your kids know when they have done something you appreciate.  Like making their bed in the morning or clearing away their dishes.

When a friend or stranger does something for you, tell your children about it and how it made you feel.  If they are younger, you can make it sound more like a story.  Older children will appreciate just hearing about your real-life interactions. 

Consistently practicing gratitude contributes to your overall sense of wellbeing.  So not only will you be role modeling this for your children, you should also personally reap the benefits of this practice.

Demand it of Them

Okay, that doesn’t sound very positive but sometimes, being a conscious parent means that we need to REQUIRE certain things of our children.  It’s a bit like teaching them to say “please” and “thank you” when they are toddlers.  We just say the word or remind them that they have not said it.  It’s required and we don’t move on with the situation until what’s required is done.

It’s the same with teaching gratitude.  Sometimes we just need to require it from our kids.  Even if that means our child is just going through the motions of saying the right thing but doesn’t appear to really mean it. 

Because, in most cases, just expressing their gratitude out loud and publicly will, at the very least, make them reflect about whether or not they feel that way.  It may invoke feelings of gratitude or it may cause them to question whether they do in fact or should even feel that way.  And all that self-reflection just wouldn’t happen if you didn’t require their expression.

Sometimes, when kids reach the tweens and teen years, they begin to “forget” their manners.  They experiment with being a bit blunt or even downright rude.  It can be incredibly frustrating, especially if your child up until that point has been super polite and respectful with their communication. 

Requiring it of them, whether it’s an expression of gratitude or just politeness as if you would a toddler, will help raise their self-awareness and should help them become that well-mannered child you used to have.  All that goodness is already inside - even if they can’t or don’t express it, more than likely they are feeling it - you just have to facilitate the communication.

Some Practical Tools to Cultivate Gratitude

Here are a few tangible tools to help you cultivate gratitude in your family.  The more your family as a whole can participate, the more your children are likely to “tow the line”.  If you or your parenting partner decide it’s too much of a hassle, your kids will too.

Appreciation Jars

Get a clean glass jar and every day, have everyone write a short note (think one sentence) about someone else and something they appreciate.  It doesn’t have to be long or complicated.

For example, a note could read:  “Joseph - Thanks for tidying up your toys when I asked” or “Evelyn - I loved how you told a story at dinner and made everyone laugh.”

It’s more about the practice than content (although the content should never be negative or condescending).  At the end of every week, take a moment over breakfast or dinner to take turns reading the notes out loud.

Start Family Meetings with Appreciation

If you have weekly or monthly family meetings, then consider starting each family meeting by going around and having each family member one thing they appreciate about another person.  Ideally it would be something about that other person that happened in the last week or since your last family meeting. 

Again, think of it almost as the replacement of a family prayer.  You’re expressing thanks for all that has gone one and that you have and, by doing so, are helping your children reflect upon these things for themselves.

Gratitude Journals

Chances are, you might already have your own personal Gratitude Journal.  If not, I highly recommend them as a vehicle for you to cultivate your own personal gratitude practice.  As it pertains to kids, it can be helpful for those who are literate to have their own, personal gratitude journal where they can express their thoughts and appreciation each day.  If you or your child is just starting out with one of these, then try to write one thing each day that you are grateful for.  Build this up over time to 3-5 things daily.  It’s easiest if this is done at the beginning of the day or at the end.

For younger kids, you can talk about  their 3-5 things and either have them draw pictures in their gratitude journal or write some words down for them so that you can read it aloud to them later.

Gratitude Books for each family member

An alternative to Appreciation Jars or gratitude at family meetings is to have a personal Gratitude Book for each member of the family.  These small notebooks are labeled with each family member’s name and anyone in the family can contribute to the content. 

The idea is that whenever you or any member of the family thinks of something they appreciate about a person or recognises that person has done something for which they are grateful, they can take the initiative to write a short sentence inside that person’s book.  That way, over time, the expressions of gratitude build-up for each family member and each individual can read their own book anytime they want.  (To avoid competitiveness, it’s best to have a “rule” that you’re really only supposed to read the comments in your own book.)

Slowly, Consistently

Like so many aspects of raising children, our positive impact is greatest when we can be consistent with our small actions over time.  It’s in these tiny, daily actions, not the big explosions or "teachable moments”, that we can instill the qualities, values and skills in our children that we hope to do.

Shaming, judging or criticising our kids when they are self-absorbed, self-centered and apparently unappreciative doesn’t help them “learn”.  What it does is make them feel bad about themselves and possibly, internalise that they are a bad person for feeling the way they do or expressing themselves the way they have.  It’s not constructive from any perspective.

Instead, model the values.  Show them the way and set firm and loving boundaries for communication.