Connecting with your Kids

You may have heard this term “connection” in your perusal of parenting blogs, books, etc.  It has almost become a buzz word, appearing everywhere in the conscious and peaceful parenting space.  But what is connection and how do we do it?

Connection is another way of saying that you have a strong relationship with someone. That you are (and FEEL) connected to each other.  It is the foundation of families and it’s often within families that people feel the most connected to one another. 

Why Connection?

In relation to parenting, what we know now is that having a strong parent-child connection is fundamental.  It’s one of the most important things you can do to help your child feel seen, heard, valued and loved.  It’s fulfilling one of their basic human needs so that they can thrive.

Building up a strong, positive relationship between you and your child and between family members is the number one, preventative, proactive and ongoing investment that you can make in your family relationships.  A lot of this we do naturally, but when our lives get busy and chaotic, it’s often the little moments of connection that are sacrificed or forgotten, and the relationships start to erode.

When our children don’t feel strongly connected to us, they are more likely to behave in ways that we don’t want, expect or approve of.  They are more likely to act out, be uncooperative or ignore us.  And that seems to be a pretty good reason by itself to focus on connection!

But connection is fundamental to our existence - our children need that sense of belonging and significance.  They are biologically programmed to seek this feedback from us to feel secure enough to go out and interact with the world.

How to Connect?

Ideally, you build in planned connection moments between you and each child in your family on a daily basis.  This doesn’t have to be too long, 10-15 minutes each day is often sufficient. 

You can do something that your child chooses or loves to do and the point is to just spend time with your child, one-on-one, enjoying each other’s company.  If you can build in this special time with each child, not only will you be creating lovely, heart-warming childhood memories, you will also be fostering a deeper connection with each child, building it up a day at a time.

For many parents, the idea of “finding” 10-15 minutes for each child every day can seem like a near impossible task.  Where do you fit it in between school, activities, homework, meals, naps, etc.???  It’s true that family life is busy, but if you look at your schedule, chances are you will be able to carve out 10 minutes a day for your child somewhere - even if it means pushing bedtime out by 10 minutes.

However, there are also other ways of building connection without deliberately setting aside special time.  These are moments in your everyday life that you re-connect with your child.  And the more times you can re-connect with your child in the day or have quality re-connection moments, the stronger their foundation will be.

Small ways of re-connecting with your child include:

Paying Attention - stop what you’re doing when your child comes to you and talks to you and give them your attention.  It might be for a minute or could be for 5, but put down your phone, stop cooking, close your laptop - give your child your eye contact and let them know you are truly “listening” to them.  If you can’t give them your attention straight away, let them know when you will be able to and keep your word.

Physical Touch - giving a hug, putting your arm on theirs, a hand on their shoulder, etc.  Physically reconnecting with your child, especially when you have been physically separated from them (e.g. they’ve been at school all day or away at an activity), can be very powerful.  Especially as your child gets older and cuddles may be less frequent, it is important to physically reconnect in some way.

Small Moments - lying in bed together before lights out and chatting for a few minutes, sitting at the table and talking about your day or sharing a moment of laughter are just a few examples of small moments that can quickly build up connection.  These moments are not forced, but do require you give a bit of your time and energy to “hear” and “see” your child and be in the moment with them.

Reflective Listening - offering empathy and understanding when your child comes to you with a problem, or when your child is struggling to behave as expected.  Remember what it feels like to be understood - it’s important your child feels like you “get” them.

Ask Questions - we often want to give advice or tell our children our thoughts but sometimes we could do with listening more.  Ask open-ended questions, like “can you tell me…?”  Show a genuine interest in your child.

Help them - we are often too consumed with thoughts that our child “should be able to do xyz..." that we become stubborn and don’t offer help when they might need it.  Even if your child “should be able to” or “is able to” do something, it might just be kind of you to offer your help if they are struggling.  If it were someone else’s child, you probably would, so why not your own? 

So you can see, even if you can’t manage to find 10-15 minutes a day for special time with your child, you probably can do one or more of these smaller ways of connecting with your child in your everyday, busy life.  Yes, it takes a bit of your time and effort to do this and it won’t always be simple.  But it is worth it.

Building a strong relationship with your child is not just important for giving them a strong foundation so that they can be their best selves.  Having that strong connection will also give you a huge sense of fulfillment.  When you have a strong relationship with your child it helps you enjoy parenthood and being with your child.  You’ll delight in and enjoy their company more and begin to thrive as a family.