Rules for Adolescent Phone & Gaming Use

With all our fears of “over-parenting,” how much control is appropriate when it comes to phone, game and screen use for our tweens and teens?

Perhaps you’re thinking of getting your tween their first phone but are worried about what they will have access to and how much time they will spend on it.

Or maybe you’ve got a 14-15 year old who already has a phone and you’re concerned about whether you’ve got enough visibility over what they are doing on it.  Or perhaps you’ve even been having a few “debates” (ahem) with your mid-teen about screen addiction.

You might have a tween or teen who is obsessed with their games console and is either interested in or already into online gaming with their “friends”.

How do you navigate and influence this online world that our older children are experiencing?  Not only to keep them safe, but to ensure that they are not neglecting their studies, activities and other responsibilities to focus on their screens?

There are a lot of guidelines about screen time usage for younger children.  But what about our tweens and teens?  It’s at this age that our older children are starting to assert their independence and feel a biological need to have more control and influence over their own lives.  And depending on your relationship with your child and the level of interest they have in their phone or games, this might be a tricky area to navigate.

Here’s the thing.  It’s important to have rules around phone/gaming use.  Even for tweens and teens.  Especially for tweens and teens. 

Tween/Teen Brain Development

Science has proven that the brains of tweens (generally between ages 10-12) go through a massive growth spurt at this age - in fact, so much so that there is possibly some disorganisation in the brain as it has too many neural connections that might confuse critical skills such as logical thinking, reasoning and decision making and divert these to other skills to more primitive areas of the brain.

During the teen years, this overgrowth gets cut back and the neural pathways undergo more reorganisation. 

The reorganisation occurs from back to front, so that the pre-frontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, rational thought, problem solving and impulse control is the last to re-wire. 

As the brain is re-wiring itself - growing neural connections and then cutting back on some and strengthening others - the teenage brain tends to rely on the amygdala (the raw emotional control centre) more than the pre-frontal cortex. 

This can explain why we might witness strong emotions, impulsive behaviour and poor judgement in our teens.

It’s almost like our teens brains are “confused” at this age.  In fact, studies have shown that teens are incredibly bad at reading facial expressions and deciphering tone of voice - more often than not, they get it totally wrong!  It’s thought this is due to the reconstruction of their brains during this life phase. 

And if they can’t read facial expressions and social situations accurately, what are the implications for their online interactions?

Rules for Phone/Gaming

Ultimately, the rules that you have around phone/gaming use in your household will be unique to your family.  They will depend on a variety of factors, including your family values and the extent to which your older child is attracted to their phone/gaming.  But they do need to exist.

You are the adult and the parent.  It’s your role to set guidelines and boundaries for your child, even in their adolescence as they are learning to push those boundaries. 

Start by having and open and honest conversation with your older child about their phone/gaming use and what rules might be appropriate. 

And end with coming to an agreement, preferably documented, that you can both accept and live with. 

It doesn’t need to be set in stone, and you might adapt it with time and experience, but it at least gives you a starting point and some ground rules.

Here are some “good practice” suggestions you might wish to include in those ground rules.

Appropriate Phone Use

• Phones/gaming allowed for x hours/day (1 or 2 is usual) - AFTER all homework, activities/sports, household contributions and responsibilities have been completed. 
• For tweens, often limiting phones/gaming to weekends is common to maintain the emphasis on schoolwork, activities, sports and chores during the week.
• No phones/gaming during homework - phone must be put away or switched off (so it is not distracting).
• No phone/gaming between certain hours (e.g. turn it off one hour before bedtime and until ready for school.  It’s proven that any screen use within 1 hour of bedtime disrupts normal sleep patterns. 
• In the mornings, no screen use until the whole morning routine is completed - i.e. breakfast, dressed, personal hygiene completed, bag packed, etc.
• No phones/gaming at the table/during mealtimes.
• No phones while driving (This includes you parents!  Be the role model for your child and ensure that they don’t think driving whilst talking or texting is acceptable.)
• All phones are charged in the kitchen/living room (i.e. a common area, away from the bedroom) and remain there for the evening.

Privacy

• Parents must be able to access all accounts and messages at any time (this means having a copy of the passwords and account names).
• Parents have the right to access any accounts and messages at any time (your child should not be engaging in any behaviour or messaging on their phone/game that they would not want you to see.)
• Nothing on a child’s phone/gaming world is “private” - the parent can access any of it at any time while the child is living under the parent’s roof and the parent is paying for the phone/internet gaming  (Don’t do this too often unless you have reason to suspect something or you will lose the trust of your child.)

Etiquette

• Never take compromising or embarrassing photos of someone that you wouldn’t want taken of yourself. 
• Never send a message or post something online that you wouldn’t want your whole school or town to read.
• Parents must be told if there is any message or content that makes the child feel uncomfortable or if there is anything they feel is inappropriate.

Additional Controls

You may wish to consider putting a restriction on the apps your child can download/use, the websites they can see and the content that is available to them. 

Depending on the phone model, there are a variety of apps and way to control your child’s phone use. 

On some, such as the built-in Apple Screen Time on iphones, you can limit the amount of time your child can use the phone. That’s an easy way to end any arguments about when it’s time to turn off the phone!  If your rule is 1 hour per day, set the restriction up for 1 hour per day and the phone will automatically lock after this time.  You can always set it up so that emergency features such as the phone or location finder still works when the phone is locked. 

Other apps, such as Habyts, also let you specify which responsibilities need to be completed prior to screen use and track what your child is doing on the phone.  There are plenty of similar apps on the market with great parental reviews.

If your older child is into online gaming, there are now clever wifi and internet controls that allow you to control the time a specific device is connected to the internet.  That means you can set up a different “power off” time for each device in the household, so that the gaming console or computer your son uses for gaming turns off at, say, 8pm, whilst your own phone stays connected until, say, 10pm or indefinitely. 

The technology for parents to be able to influence and oversee their child’s phone and gaming use is definitely available, so take advantage of it in order to limit those daily battles about usage and to give you some peace of mind when it comes to the content your child is accessing.

Document it!

Whatever is agreed, document it in a “contract” that is signed by your child and the parents. In this contract, it might also state that their phone use is a “privilege” and not a “right” - and that privilege can be revoked at any time if the agreed rules are broken.

Remember to Stay Connected!

Having ground rules around your tween/teen’s phone and gaming use is really just the first step. 

Be sure to continue stay connected with your older child and remain open and approachable so that they feel they can have open and honest conversations with you.  Learn the dance of mutual trust and respect - each of you needs to earn it with your actions and time. 

Talk to your adolescent if you feel their phone use or gaming is getting out of hand or impacting their personality (or schoolwork!).  And in those circumstances, try to avoid taking the phone or gaming away as a punishment (as this probably will only brew resentment and anger), but instead problem solve together with your child to come up with mutually acceptable solutions. 

Remember, you are the parent and the adult and it is your role to help your child learn about how to manage the technology in their life and to keep them safe.  Your adolescent will naturally push your boundaries.  Remember that even though they are starting to look like little adults, their brains are still undergoing massive restructuring and they still need your guidance and sound judgement to set appropriate limits.

For further reading on this tricky subject, I highly recommend "Screenwise" by Devorah Heitner - see the link below: