The 5 Love Languages

Have you heard of “The 5 Love Languages”? 

It’s a series of books by Gary Chapman based on the premise that there are primarily 5 ways that people give and receive love.  Understanding the primarily love language of those around you - your partner, your children, etc., as well as your own primarily love language can really help strengthen your interpersonal relationships.

In his books, Gary Chapman defines the 5 Love Languages as follows:

1. Words of affirmation  - using words to build up the other person, to convey affection or endearment   For example, saying “Thanks, I appreciate what you did.” Or having someone say something similar to you.
2. Gifts - material goods as symbols or expressions of love.  Either giving or receiving them.
3. Acts of Service - doing something for someone else or having something done for you.  Fixing your child’s toy or cooking for them.
4. Quality time - giving someone else your time and undivided attention or being on the receiving end of it and having someone truly listen to you.
5. Physical touch - proximity, holding hands, hugs, kisses, roughhousing.

Gary Chapman stipulates that we all have a primarily love language - one way that we prefer to express our love to others and receive love from others.  Of course, we might express our love in a variety of ways, but there is usually one love language that is more predominant than others. 

It is not unusual for our primarily love language to be different from that of our partner and/or children.  In these cases, it is helpful to learn a secondary love language, so that we can express our love (and our partner/child can can receive it) in a way that they FEEL the expression of love. 

For example, if a mother’s primary love language is acts of service and she is constantly doing things for children (cooking meals, taking them places, etc.) because this is how she expresses her love, but her child’s primary love language is words of affirmation - the child will not necessarily FEEL the mother’s love as strongly as he would if the mother expressed her love with words….  So, in order for the mother to ensure that her child truly feels her love, she needs to learn to also express her love with words of affirmation - the language that her child uses to receive love.  Similarly, once she understands that her child’s primary love language is different to her own, she Is less likely to be resentful for her acts of service being somewhat unappreciated - it is not that her child does not appreciate all that she is doing for him, bur more that he does not interpret this as a communication of her love, despite it being so.

Additionally, Gary Chapman argues that children need to learn to give and receive love in all 5 love languages in order to become an emotionally healthy adult.  He recommends that parents use the child’s primarily love language in abundance to ensure that the child feels that love, and that they also use the other 4 love languages with the child on a regular basis so that the child can learn to receive and give love in all languages.

He also cautions parents that when children become teenagers, the ways that we express love might need to be adapted slightly so that the teenager does not feel that these expressions are too immature for them. 

He particularly cautions parents of teenagers whose primary love language is physical touch to ensure that they don’t stop that physical contact with their teenager - it needs to be adapted from cuddles and kisses to perhaps a pat on the back, rub of the shoulder, hand on their arm or a playful wrestle.  You will need to “read” your child to figure out what is appropriate and comfortable for them, but be sure to not withhold this contact as they will not otherwise receive your love as strongly as they would otherwise.

Each of our children are unique individuals.  It’s important that as parents, we look to understand each child as an individual - and the love languages is another tool that helps us “see” our children and their unique needs. 

Observe your child and figure out what their primarily love language is so that you can convey your love to them in a way that they can effectively receive and feel it.  If you can't figure it our by observation alone, try asking them some questions around the topic, such as "why do you consider x such a good friend?" or "how do you know when someone values you?" 

Understanding your child's primary love language will strengthen your connection with them and that positive bond is what helps them to cooperate with you and internalise your guidance.

If you'd like to discover more about Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages or purchase the books for your personal parenting library, click on the links below:   

The 5 Love Languages of Children

The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers

The 5 Love Languages of Your Family