Raising Happy Kids

So many parents say that they just want to make their kids happy. 

That they want to treat their kids well and give them the best opportunities and experiences in life.  That they don’t want to upset their kids, make them feel bad or punish them.

And how often, when our child is sad, disappointed or otherwise upset, do we try to distract them, fix the problem or take it away?  Partly because we don’t want our child to have to experience those “bad” emotions but partly because it also makes us feel so uncomfortable and sometimes even helpless.

Sound familiar?

In fact, you could go into any bookstore or online mega-retailer and in the parenting section find a massive range of books talking about how to help your child be “happy” or ensure their future happiness as an adult.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting your child to be happy.  After all, no one wants to see the people they love most be sad or suffer in any way. 

But just because it makes us parents feel uncomfortable, does that mean that we should protect our children from the “bad” emotions like anger, fear, jealousy?  Is it right to protect our children from life’s disappointments and the full spectrum of the human experience?

We know from several years of research, that a good measure of a person’s ability to feel content in life and ride the wave of the full human experience is their level of emotional intelligence. 

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify, understand and manage one’s own emotions as well as the ability to decipher and empathise with the emotions of others.

It is a far more accurate predictor of a person’s ability to feel content than any academic results.

What is critically important for us parents to realise is that our children will most likely experience the full range of human emotions that is possible within their lifetime. From elation, joy, and beaming happiness to sadness, grief, anxiety, and disappointment.  And everything in between. 

That is the human experience.  That is part of what makes our lives rich and meaningful, that we can FEEL these range of emotions as we go through our lives and that these feelings lead us to a variety of places, experiences, relationships, etc.

So, yes, it’s important to want your child to be happy.  But more important than helping your child be happy, is supporting them to develop their emotional intelligence.

Giving them the vocabulary and self-awareness to be able to identify and understand their own emotions. Allowing them to feel and experience emotions fully - to not be afraid of them or bury them.  And helping them figure out what kind of strategies they can use to work through these emotions.

We also have to help our children understand that we can experience multiple emotions at the same time - you can be happy to be dropped off at pre-school to be able to do fun things and play with your friends, but you can also feel sad that mama is leaving you there for the day and you’ll have that brief separation.  You can be elated that you got into the desired secondary school but disappointed your friends won’t be joining you there and anxious that you’ll have to make new friends and be in a new environment.  Again, that’s just part of the complexity and beauty of human emotions.

So how do we develop emotional intelligence in our children? 

Develop Your Own Emotional Intelligence

The first step, is to be aware of our own emotions and work on managing them so that we can be a role model for our kids.  If we scream, shout and slam doors when we are upset, you can be sure your kid will think that’s an appropriate way to display and work through anger, frustration, disappointment, etc.  And if we hide from our children every time we are upset, sad or have a “bad” emotion, then they will not realise that it’s normal for people to experience those tricky emotions.

Being aware of your own emotions, talking about them or making your family aware of how you might be feeling and what you are doing about it to work through those feelings is important role modeling for your children.

Be an Emotion Coach

The second step is to be an emotion coach for your child.  So that when they are experiencing any emotions, positive or negative, that you feedback to them how they might be feeling, and start to guide them in experimenting with different strategies of how to handle them.  Most children really live in the moment and so it can be helpful to heighten their self-awareness in moments of emotional intensity - not only so that it normalises it for them, but so they can more easily recognise the emotion the next time.

Challenge Your Beliefs

The third step, is to challenge your own beliefs about, well, pretty much everything so that you can help your child challenge their developing beliefs about, well, again - pretty much everything! 

We all know that our children are growing up in an ever complex and diverse world and the skills that will serve them well in the future will not be those they get from a traditional academic setting. 

The beliefs that we have can either elevate us or hinder us.  They are those thoughts that we have thought for so long that we assume them to be true.  Sometimes we are aware of our beliefs, sometimes they are buried so deep within that it takes a while for us to uncover their true nature. 

The more you understand what your underlying beliefs are and take a moment to question them, the more open you will be to changing your perception about how your child is behaving, your expectations of them and the deep-rooted fears and guilt that may be influencing your parenting. Challenging your own beliefs will allow you to be more open to your child’s emotional experiences and therefore be in a better position to help guide them through them.

Do we want our kids to be happy?  Sure. 

But do we want to make sure that they are equipped with the self-awareness, confidence, and resilience to manage themselves and their lives if they are not happy or find themselves in challenging times?  Yes. 

Surely you’ll agree that the latter is far more empowering.