9 Ways to Foster Resilience

Resilience is one of those traits that pretty much all parents want their children to develop.  It’s up there with confidence, happiness and kindness and many parents would say it even trumps these. 

Given its universal value, how do we go about fostering this quality in our children?

Resilience is having the ability to weather life’s storms and still keep going.  The ability to be set back or “fail” and pick yourself up again and move forward.  To not wallow in self-pity but to take set-backs at face value and not let them affect our self-esteem.  To not let these failure moments affect how much we value ourselves or our self-belief.

As adults, we know that life has its ups and downs.  We know that our kids will generally face struggles in their life that they will need to overcome in some form.  We know that there will be situations that will require them to adapt. 

So when we witness our child give up at the first hurdle, after a set-back or not want to try again after a failed attempt at something, this can often stir up some strong emotions in us - frustration, annoyance, anger, exasperation, etc. 

We don’t like seeing our kids give up. 

We don’t like seeing our kid's sense of self dented because they struggled to weather whatever storm presented itself.  We can even take their failures personally - as a reflection of our parenting when they seem unable to move forward.

Staying in our own expectations, hopes and thoughts does not help our children develop resilience. 

Instead, try the following:

Believe in your child

Believe that they CAN.  If you want your child to believe in themselves, you have to have the utmost belief in them.  We often say we believe in our kids and maybe we even pretend that we do, but the skeptic in us holds a little back.  Do you really believe your child can?  You need to be their no. 1 cheerleader, if you don't believe in them, they will struggle to believe in themselves.

Learn to Scaffold

Scaffolding is the art of being there “in case” but allowing your child to take risks and try things out that may feel uncomfortable.  You’re there, but only “in case” and not actively involved in whatever they are doing.

Allow Setbacks

In everyday life, you child will experience setbacks or failures.  So often, we intervene in situations to try to prevent these from happening.  Don’t.  Don’t intervene or control situations.  Don’t save your child.  Yes, absolutely be there if they fall. But don’t stop the fall.  They will learn they can fall and pick themselves up.

Praise Effort and Strategies

Focus on recognising the effort and strategies your child deploys, rather than their achievements or the outcomes.  This is especially the case when they haven’t had the outcome they anticipated. 

You can encourage a Growth Mindset by letting them know they may not be able to do something YET, but that there is still the possibility they WILL be able to do it one day if they try again.

Avoid Comparisons

We all know this but it’s so easily done, even discreetly.  Your child is their own unique person.  Don’t compare them to others, siblings or otherwise.  Avoid labels too.  Not only does your child internalise these, it unhelpfully clouds your perspective of them as well.

Role Play

Helping your child acquire skills through role play practice can be very useful.  You can help them practice what to say or do in a given situation, say, after they have experienced a set back or where they are required to adapt.  Practicing in a safe place helps program their brain so they can access what they have practiced more easily when the “live” situation happens.

Introduce phrases

Such as “I’m still learning…”. “I don’t know how to xxx yet…”. “I can always try again/a different way.” 

Role Model

Show your child through witnessing your own life and actions that it’s normal to experience setbacks and “failures” and how you deal with them.  Tell them stories of your own childhood that illustrate your developing resilience so they know they are not alone.

Pay attention to the basics

Finally, it’s fundamental but has an impact:  Make sure your child is getting sufficient sleep, exercise and the appropriate nutrition each day.  These are the basics that we so often overlook in our busy family lives but that can have a massive impact on how well equipped our child feels to face the world. 

Fuel your children so they feel strong mentally and physically to go out into the world, give it their all and be their best self.

Resilience is a skill that can be learned but doesn’t appear overnight.  It takes time and experience to develop.  Like all of life’s skills, some children will develop it faster than others.  It’s not a race.  The point is to help your child build up this quality in themselves over time.  Give them the grace to make mistakes and to not always pick themselves up.  It doesn’t mean they never will.  It just means they are human and still need your support.  That's okay.