5 Tips for Parenting Tweens & Emerging Teens

When your child was a feisty and unpredictable toddler who needed you for so many things, it was probably physically and mentally exhausting.  You were trying to teach them social skills, bladder control and good manners all at the same time while navigating their impulsive actions and explosive emotions.

Everyone said that parenting would get easier.  And maybe it did.  It does.  In a way….

Parenting does get a bit easier the more we get to know our child and the more confident we feel in guiding them through their precious childhood.  But “easier” may not be the most appropriate word here….  I think the reality for most parents is that as your child gets older, parenting is less physically demanding and so somewhat less exhausting.

But the dynamics of parenting just change throughout your child’s life.  They still NEED you as they get older - perhaps in different ways than before.  Different stages of childhood require us to adapt our approach.  And that’s the tricky bit - figuring out how your child needs you at their particular stage in life.

Many parents “find their groove” post toddlerhood and through the primary school years.  And then their child enters middle school, is a tween or emerging teen and things begin to feel uncertain again.  Perhaps even the strong relationship you’ve felt you’ve shared begins to feel a bit fragile. 

If you’re at this stage, here are 5 tips for parenting tweens and emerging teens:

1. The Tween / Early Teen years is a time of transition

In one moment your child will still feel and act like a little child, and the next moment they will feel and try to act like an adult.  This is totally normal and it’s your role to weather the yo-yo behaviour and stay as consistent as you can in yours.  Try to avoid making them feel guilty or criticising them for behaving one way or another.

Your tween/teen’s brain undergoes a monumental re-organisation and pruning at this stage in life.  So much so that your tween/teen might be more disorganised and less coordinated than usual.  Again, try to avoid this criticism - blame the brain, not the person!

2. Tweens & Early Teens need more independence

They start to form a separate identity from the family and need to figure out their own way of doing things.  This may involve experimenting with different diets, fashion, activities or friends. 

Your role is to allow as much independence as you and your tween/teen can tolerate responsibly and enforce limits where appropriate.  Your child still needs those limits from you to know where the boundaries lie so revisit family rules with them and adjust them as necessary (e.g. bedtimes, screentime, etc.).

Try to remember this is not about you.  Do not take the things your child does or says personally.  Let's repeat that - DO NOT take the things your child does or says personally - it is NOT about you.  And it is NOT a reflection of your parenting thus far either.  I know that's tough to internalise, but to be the parent your child needs you to be at this stage in life, you need to.

3. You need to be the role model

At this stage in their life tweens and teens start questioning everything - that includes whether what you say is valid and how they look at you.  No longer are you the parent on a pedestal where your child takes everything you say at face value. 

You need to start earning your child’s respect by being the role model they need you to be.  Model respect, tolerance, and positive communication - especially when interacting with your tween/teen.  Behave the way you expect them to behave so they learn there is one standard.

4. Focus on Connection & Communication

Your tween/teen needs you to LISTEN more than talk, advise or judge.  They need to figure out all sorts of things themselves and they will want to talk and tell you about ALL.THE.THINGS but need you to bite your tongue.  Refrain from giving your opinion or advice unless they ask you directly for it.  Instead, try asking non-acusatory questions or telling stories from your own life and times when you were their age - mostly to show them that what they are going through is totally normal.

Try to just BE there for your child as their sounding board - even when it’s super inconvenient for you to do so (e.g. their bedtime when you’re exhausted and want to go to bed yourself!).  Tweens & Teens pick the worst times to decide to talk to parents - if you know that in advance you’re more likely to be open to the discussion when it happens. 

If your child allows, try to maintain regular physical contact with your child.  They still need your hugs, back rubs, or foot massages - if you start to feel awkward about this, your child most certainly will.  Remember that touch is hugely restorative and giving/receiving 8 hugs a day is incredibly beneficial for one’s wellbeing.

5. Help them develop practical life skills and habits

Yes, you are still supporting them to develop the solid life skills that will serve them well into adulthood.  Model, discuss and help them experiment with time management, problem-solving, navigating friendships, personal hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, and sleep. 

They will already have a strong foundation in many of these but as they begin to experiment with what is right for them, they will still need your guidance (and in some cases limits).  It’s okay to let them make their own “mistakes’ or poor judgments - that’s often the best (and sometimes the only) way for our tweens/teens to learn.  Try not to “rescue” your child from situations and poor judgment, but rather be there to support them in making amends or problem-solving solutions.

This too shall pass

Like toddlerhood, the tweens/early teen years feel like an eternity when you’re in them and yet pass so quickly that once they are over you’ll have wondered where they went. 

The thing to know is this:  the tween/early teen years do not have to be turbulent times.  You do not have to have the stereotypical explosive relationship with your child - it’s NOT a right of passage, for them nor you!

The closer that you can stay to your tween/teen during these years and reinforce your family values and your belief in them, the stronger your relationship will be as they continue to define who they are without you.  The paradox of the teenage years is that they need that strong connection with you in order to have the freedom to become independent and to safely and securely define themselves.

You’ve got this!!