5 Steps to Stop Shouting (at your kids)

Are you Tired of Shouting at your Kids?

If you’re a parent, you have probably raised your voice with your children at some point during their lives.  

Maybe it was when they were a toddler and started to cross the street without looking “STOP!” 

Or maybe it was over the holidays when your children had spent so much time together indoors that they got on each others’ nerves and were constantly bickering “WILL YOU TWO JUST LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE?!”

Or maybe it was yesterday when your son got too distracted by his books (again!) and forgot to brush his teeth “HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH YET???!!!”

Regardless of whether you raise your voice occasionally or if you find yourself constantly shouting at your children, no doubt you’ve not felt very good about yourself as a parent whilst or immediately after doing so.  

Shouting at our kids makes us feel bad.  

Not just because we’ve lost control and raised our voice, but that we’ve then also made our children feel bad.  We end up feeling like we’re failing or just plain ineffective as a parent. 

You’ve probably also found that shouting at your children as a parenting strategy, doesn’t actually work!  

It doesn’t really motivate your children to do what you’re asking them to do.  Nor does it make them feel good about themselves or strengthen your relationship with them.

And if you find that they do act once you shout, then there may be a few things going on:  

1. You’ve trained them not to listen to you until you raise your voice, 
2. You don’t often shout and so when you do, your children find it frightening and therefore do as you ask, or 
3. They know when you shout they need to be obedient to avoid potential further “punishment”.

Most likely these are not really your intentions when you find yourself shouting at your children.  You’re probably just want them to Do.As.You.Ask.  You’re probably exasperated and don’t know what else to do.

So, if we know it feels bad to do and it doesn’t actually work, why do we still end up shouting at our children?

WHY DO WE SHOUT?

There could be several contributing factors for your parental shouting:

1. You were yelled at as a child.  It’s the same as hearing your mother’s voice involuntarily come out of your mouth in highly charged moments.  

Our subconscious and automatic programming from childhood is so strong that in highly charged moments, often our immediate reaction is one that we have experienced ourselves.  So, if your parents shouted at you when you were a child, it is highly likely that when your children don’t do as you ask or behave as you expect, then your gut reaction will be to raise your voice at them.  It’s deep in your subconscious programming.  (Don’t worry, you CAN change this!)

2. You feel powerless.  When our children don’t listen to or cooperate with us, as parents we feel that we are no longer in charge.  That our authority is being undermined.  

You might feel that you have no control over your children or that you don’t know how to control your children.  You might feel that they are being disrespectful or ungrateful by not listening to you.  You might feel so strongly that they should behave a certain way in a given situation that when they don’t, you feel like it’s your personal failure. 

All of these are pretty strong emotions that instantly bubble up inside you in the moment, causing you stress.  This stress, causes the amygdala in your brain centre to activate your fight/flight response, which then tells your body that this is a crisis situation.  You react by shouting.

3. You’ve been triggered.  Similar to feeling powerless, there may be things that your children do that really trigger you to lose your patience and raise your voice.  For many, it’s the simple act of our children ignoring us (did you hear me?).   For others, it could be back-talk (how dare you be so rude?), dawdling (why is it taking you so long?), siblings bickering (again?), messiness (tidy up this room!), or even playfulness (now is not the time for play, it’s time to be serious!).  

What triggers you may not be the same as what triggers your partner or your friend.  And it may depend on how you’re feeling within yourself  as well as what’s happening in the moment.  

For example, if you’ve been up half the night with a sick child and the next day your other child spills cereal all over the floor, you may lose it - partly because cleanliness is one of your triggers, but partly because you are so exhausted you don’t have there personal resources to mediate your trigger.  

Or, if your child talks rudely to you in front of other parents, you might react stronger to this than if they had said the same thing at home - partly because you are feeling the social pressure.  

Triggers, like feeling powerless, activate our stress response - so again, we feel that we’re in a crisis situation and react accordingly.

HOW TO STOP SHOUTING

So, if you’re tired of raising your voice and know it’s ineffective anyway, how do you actually stop shouting at your kids?

There is no instant fix or cure. 

The first thing to realise about stopping shouting is that it’s probably going not going to be easy.  Especially if you’ve been a chronic shouter.  But even if you raise your voice infrequently, you will still find it tough to stop yourself from doing so when those rare moments pop up.

Remember that shouting is largely a physical, automatic response.  You will need to re-program your subconscious in order to really kick the habit. Like changing all habits, whilst it is totally possible and 100% achievable to change, it will take conscious effort - especially in the beginning.  And it will get easier with consistent practice, consciousness and time.

Here are 5 Steps to help you stop shouting at your children:

1. In the moment, STOP.  

If you find yourself shouting, just stop, even if it’s mid-sentence.  Remind yourself that it’s an ineffectively strategy and you Just.Need.To.Stop.  Immediately.  Your children may look at you strangely, especially if you have stopped halfway through a tirade, and that’s okay. You’re modelling self-control. 

Give yourself a moment to compose yourself (remember to breathe).  You may need to experiment with different calming techniques to find one that works for you (e.g. visualising your anger dissipating, meditating, saying a mantra, deep breathing, physical movement, etc.)

Once you are calm, and you are able to think clearly and speak intentionally, you can start speaking with the kind of respectful tone and volume that you would like to hear.  

2. PAUSE.  

If you are able to catch yourself in that split-second of a moment between your physical reaction and when your mouth opens to shout, then PAUSE.  Even if your mouth is open and just about to scream something out. Just PAUSE.  Imagine you have that PAUSE button on your chest and just press it with everything you’ve got.  Amazing.  If you can do this, it’s amazing and a massive step towards you changing your ways.  

Then BREATHE.  Remember that breathing is powerful and can change your physiological state - slow, deep breaths will signal to your brain that this is not a crisis situation and that you can, in fact, react calmly.

3. Empathise.  

In the moment, try to see your child’s perspective.  Imagine what they were thinking/feeling and why they might have behaved/spoken/etc the way they did that got you so upset.  Were they just being a child and focused on playing or otherwise totally engrossed in what they were doing?  Or were they so excited that they were jumping around so much they had an accident of some sort?  

Even if it’s as simple as they haven’t done what you asked and you asked 3 times already, try to see the WHY behind their behaviour.  If you can see the situation from your child’s perspective, you are more likely to be able to respond with genuine empathy and compassion, rather than anger and resentment.

4. Use the phrase “We’ll talk about this later”.  

Know that you don’t always need to have the right words to say to your child in the moment.  Especially if you have been triggered or are struggling to control your own emotions and reaction.  If all you can managed is a “We’ll talk about this later” through gritted teeth, then that is still better than raising your voice and reacting from a place of fear, stress or powerlessness.  

You may need a bit of time to calm down and to process what has happened.  Don’t just blurt out the first words that involuntarily escape your lips - take a breath, and if you can’t think of something respectful to say, then let your child you’ll discuss the situation later.  

Just make sure you do circle back and close out that conversation otherwise both of you will build up emotional baggage that will come out at a later interaction with more strength.

5. Identify your Triggers.  

This is not something for the heat of the moment but an exercise that you need to do in your own time.  Try to recall the recent times you shouted at your children or lost your patience and try to identify the WHY’s.  The more clarity you can have about what triggers you, the more you will be able to identify it in the moment and stop yourself from reacting unintentionally.  

Each time you find yourself getting triggered, try to write it down and gather a list together to better understand yourself - what is behind these triggers?  Is it fear?  Fear that you’re not a good parent? That your child will not grow up to be the  person you hope they could be?  We often get triggered by deep-rooted fears that our child will not be happy, successful, resilient, independent, confident, socially adept, financially secure, etc etc etc.  Our deep-rooted fears press a fast-forward button in our imaginary brains when our child does something and projects an image of that future “failed” child!  In many cases when you are triggered you are projecting your innermost fears.  

No doubt, if you are reading this article you are already parenting consciously and doing everything you can to help your child be their best self.  Try to calm down some of those inner fears.  Your child is okay.  You are okay.  Perhaps they made a mistake.  Perhaps they misbehaved.  Perhaps they didn’t listen to you or were disrespectful.  And maybe it wasn’t the first time.  But that doesn’t mean this situation is representative of who they will become as adults.  You have several years to guide your children - you don’t have to teach it all in one emotionally-charged moment.

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN

It’s time for you to try these 5 Steps!

Practice using these 5 Steps consciously and consistently and you will find that it really does get easier to not shout at your children.  

You can speak calmly and respectfully to your children, even if they have misbehaved or haven’t listened.  And you will feel better about yourself as a parent for being able to give a mindful response.

You will be modelling self-control, respectful tones and reactions and your child will learn from that.  

It’s hugely powerful. 

They will have more respect for you and stay closer connected to you.  

And those elements, are what give our children the inner motivation to listen to and cooperate with us in the future.