3 things to tackle defiance

Ever have those moments when you just need your child to do what you’ve asked?

Maybe it’s leaving the playground, brushing their teeth, doing their homework or going to bed.  Or one of the many other repetitive things that we “need” our children to do throughout the day.

When your child seems to have their ears shut, ignores you, tries to make it into a game or is just plain defiant and does the opposite of what you need them to do, it’s really easy for us parents to get upset.

Especially when we’ve repeated ourselves, are in a rush, are feeling a little tired or fed up.

The typical responses we offer include:

  • Repeating ourselves again
  • Increasing the volume of our voice (i.e. shouting)
  • Offering bribes - “if you do this then you’ll get…”
  • Issuing threats - “if you don’t do this, then…”
  • Using physical force or intimidation (e..g. picking up your child, prying their mouth open to shove the toothbrush in, standing over your child, etc.)
  • Giving up

The reality is that none of these FEEL good to us.  We don’t feel good about ourselves as parents when we offer these responses. 

And the second reality is that THEY DON’T WORK. 

Well, maybe they MIGHT work in the short term, but long-term, they really won’t and you’ll be inadvertently teaching your child the wrong “lessons” by repeating this kind of behaviour.

So, what are you to do when your child is being defiant

Here are 3 things you can do to help you both in the moment and to proactively avoid the situation reoccurring.

1. Take it as a MASSIVE CLUE

Your child is telling you something by their defiance. 

Instead of taking your frustration out on your child or blaming them for not doing as you ask, channel that energy into becoming a detective.  What are they trying to tell you?  What does the situation look like from their perspective? 

When you get into their head and see the world from their perspective, it makes it 100 times easier to respond to them in a way that serves both of you.

2. Check-in with YOURSELF

What’s going on in your own mind? 

If you’re starting to feel your blood boil and your heart-rate increase, get curious again.  Ask yourself, why do I have this reaction? 

What thoughts do I have right now about this situation that’s causing my body to perceive this as stressful?  Does it really warrant this level of stress? 

It’s too easy for our brains to get ahead of us and think “she NEVER …[listens, does x, etc]” Or “she ALWAYS…[procrastinates, jokes…etc.]”. 

When you become aware of YOUR OWN thoughts and feelings that are feeling your reaction and behaviour towards your child, you can begin to take ownership of those thoughts and feelings and then question whether they are serving you in that moment. 

Too often, we sabotage ourselves with thoughts that do not serve us or our child.  Questioning and making shifts in our own minds can have a profound impact on how we talk to and interact with our child in the moment.

3. Ask yourself, HOW can you avoid this situation happening in the future? 

What could you have done beforehand that would have helped this situation? 

What conversations do you need to have with your child to better prepare them or ensure their expectations are in line with yours? 

Does your child need some training or help to learn the skill or action you are asking of them? 

Do you need to plan in extra time to your schedule so that the situation is not urgent? 

When we take the time and energy to set ourselves and our children up for success, in any situation, we massively increase the probability that it will be successful and leave less up to chance.

Use these 3 simple questions as tools to help you react helpfully in the moment and to proactively prevent future moments of defiance from occurring.  

Get Support

If it seems like it should be this simple but it really doesn't feel that way, then consider reaching out for some support.  It really doesn't have to be this tough or feel heavy.  I offer a FREE introductory call where we discuss whatever is going on right now in your family life and get you clarity on your next steps forward. 

It's you, me, and 30 minutes of your time 100% dedicated to you and your family.  To take up this offer, go to bit.ly/callmiki.  

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