3 Steps to Enjoying Your Kids Again

If you’ve ever found yourself in a bit of a parenting “rut,” feeling like the responsibility is relentless and reluctantly admitting you’re not really enjoying your kids, know that you’re not alone.

We’ve all heard it before.  Parenting is hard.  It’s a 24/7 responsibility that pretty much never stops. 

Yes, you get a few hours of respite when you go to work or when the kids are at school, but even then in the back of your mind, I’ll bet you’ve got all the things occupying some mental space -  like the kids’ schedules, what’s for dinner or that laundry needs to be done so the football kit is ready in time.

And sometimes kids can act, well, in ways that we just don’t appreciate.  They can be moody, whiney, uncooperative.  Siblings can squabble to the point we want to step out of the house and just leave them to it to get a moment’s peace and to escape that emotional and physical drain.

And maybe, just maybe, sometimes you become conscious of not enjoying your children.  Still loving them to bits, obviously.   But just not enjoying the whole parenting thing.

[If you’ve NEVER felt this way, don’t worry!  Just know you’re exceptional and this article isn’t for you!]

So, if you find yourself in one of these parenting ruts, what can you do? 

1. Take Some Time Out

Know that one of the most important things you can do for your family is to take some time off being a parent to JUST BE YOU.  You need some moments where you can just exist as YOU,  the unique individual that you are.  Not you as the parent, you as a carer, you as a partner or spouse or child or sibling.  Just you.

There will be something that replenishes you and your soul.  For some it’s exercise.  It could be solitude, reading a book, having a nap, calling a friend, writing in a journal, listening to a podcast.  There is no “right” thing, only what is right for you.  Find that thing and carve out some time in your daily life for it.  Look at your schedule and figure out how to reprioritize to fit it in. 

Yes, it’s self-care and you’ve probably heard it before.  But if you’re in a parenting rut, know that you need to make some changes and this should be a priority.  Look at your schedule and figure out how to make some changes for yourself.

2. Stop Parenting

Take some pressure off yourself and your children by shifting your focus from parenting to connection.  What does that mean?  We’ll look at connection next, but stop parenting?  Yes.  STOP PARENTING. 

If you’re in a parenting rut, I’ll bet you’re likely nagging, repeating, criticising, judging, shaming or yelling at your kids.  And your kids are probably not listening, not being cooperative, misbehaving or being challenging in a number of other ways. 

Your interactions will have entered a negative cycle and spiral where they are misbehaving, you’re reacting, you’re both feeling bad and keep repeating this cycle.  It can feel relentless and can build up resentment.

So just stop.  Stop saying all the things you feel you “should” be saying or “need” to say.  Stop “doing” all the things.  Stop being “that” parent.  How?  Here are some concrete ideas:

• Avoid using the word “NO”.  It closes off possibilities and the brain reacts strongly to this word.
• Avoid using the word “Don’t”.  Similarly.  Say what you want your child to do instead of what you not to do.
• Stop repeating yourself and nagging.  Recognise this is not effective.
• Stop your tirades, rants, and lectures.  Recognise this is not helping.
• Stop feeling the need to do all the things and be the perfect parent.  Sometimes you have to let stuff go, including the idea in your head of who you need to be.
• Stop hovering over your child, fixing things for them or smothering them with your best intentions.

Just stop.  Let go of some of the parenting responsibility you feel.  Take a deep breath or 5.  If your child doesn’t brush their teeth one night or doesn’t pick their clothes up off the floor, it’s okay.  You’ll get back to that.  Right now, if you’re in a rut, you just need to let go and stop being THAT parent.

3. Focus on Connection

When you focus on connection, you find ways to strengthen and reinforce your relationship with your kids.  Do something fun together.  Share moments.  Laugh.

Other ways to reconnecting?  Play a game with your child, read together, do some rough-housing, pillow fights, den building.  Implement consistent Special Time with your child so that you have 10 minutes a day dedicated to them to do whatever they want and where you are 100% focused on them and present in their company. 

You need to find a way to see your child as the extraordinary, beautiful person that they are.  Not the child that doesn’t listen to you, that whines, that may have impulse control issues, or that is misbehaving.

See them as the kind, loving, funny, quirky, creative, sensitive, inquisitive, determined, energetic or whatever child they are!  Shift your perspective to find all their strengths and all the stuff that makes them special.  All their amazing qualities. 

If you really struggle to do this and shift your perspective, dig out an old photo of your child from a few years ago.  Remember what they were like.  What did you love about them then?  What were the amazing qualities they had that were just emerging or that you could recognise in them at that time?  They will still be there, but sometimes it helps us see them again when we reflect on the past.

Our brains are powerful machines.  If you believe your child is naughty, intentionally defiant or aggressive, your brain will focus on those behaviours to confirm your beliefs.  If you can “trick” your brain and focus instead on all the positive beliefs you have about your child, your brain will start to re-focus on those and you will begin to re-see your child in their unique glory.

You CAN Get Through This

If you’re in a parenting rut, this is an important thing to remind yourself of.  You really CAN get through this time.  However, if you bury your head in the sand and think that it’s all just going to blow over with time, you’ll probably find it lasts longer than you’d like and they’ll be some emotional wounds and scars that will still need healing at some point in the future.

Instead, I invite you to muster up that last bit of courage and energy within and proactively get yourself and your family out of this rut.  Make a commitment to focus on these 3 steps and start TODAY.  Right now in fact.  You’ve got this and CAN start to enjoy your child and parenting again.  It might feel like a faraway concept but things can turn around surprisingly quickly when you’re focused on the right things.

You deserve to feel the joy of parenting and to delight in your child and family again.  It’s possible and YOU CAN get through this.

[If you are reading this article and are currently in a parenting rut or feel like you’re falling into one, please know you are NOT alone. 

I invite you to reach out for a complimentary consult call so we can identify your next steps to get you back to being the parent you want to be and enjoying your children again. 

Click HERE to schedule your free call today.]