10 Tips for Successfully Navigating The After School Meltdown

 If your child is over 3 and goes to pre-school or school, chances are you have probably already experienced the After School Meltdown!  (Even if you didn’t quite realise that’s what it was.)

You know, when you go to pick up your child from school and it seems they have been happy all day, but the minute you walk out the school gates or get into your car they completely lose it? 

Whether that’s having a meltdown, tantrum or explosion about having to get in the car or some other simple task, or going into a huff and giving you attitude for asking them how their day has been, you might wonder where is that sweet child that only a few minutes prior came happily bounding out the school doors?

You’ll be relieved to know that the After School Meltdown is actually a thing.  It’s real.  It happens. And the more you can anticipate it, the easier it will be to manage it when it does happen.

So, Why do kids meltdown after school?

During the school (or pre-school) day, children know that they have to behave a certain way.  They need to behave “well” and according to the set guidelines.  So even though your child may want to run around and play with toys all day, chances are that whether they are in pre-school or school, they will not be allowed to do whatever they want all day, but will have to follow some sort of structure, rhythm, and routine. 

As children get a bit older and are in primary school, the amount of playtime reduces and they are required to sit still in their seats and concentrate.  For some children, this will be easier than others, but all children will know what is required of them during lesson time and will do their best to contain their behaviour and do what is expected of them.

Not only is your child expected to sit still and concentrate, but they are also expected to ask permission before they do anything!  Most teachers expect children to ask permission to speak (raise your hand), go to the loo, or do anything!  And if they aren’t asking permission to do something, chances are they are being told what to do - all day long - with very little ability to influence the activity choices.

In addition to containing their behaviour, most children will also restrain themselves emotionally during school hours.  So instead of having an outburst at school, they will hold it together when they’ve been brushed off by a friend, hurt or feel a sense of injustice.   Whether it’s little things that happen in the classroom like the teacher singling them out or playground politics at break, your child will most likely feel that they can’t freely express themselves emotionally at school.

Finally, by the time your child gets out of school, it will probably have been a few hours since they would have had a full tummy, so their energy reserves are probably low and they could even be slightly dehydrated.

So all of these factors, quite logically, can contribute to the after school meltdown.    

What is the After School Meltdown?

Part of what is happening when your child loses it when they are with you, is that they are releasing everything that they have been building up and holding onto during the day.  Everything that has been contained needs to find a way out - emotions, behaviour - all of it.  And you, their parent, are a safe recipient for all of that “stuff’. 

In fact, if you child has an after school meltdown, rather than getting upset or frustrated, I would encourage you to consider feeling honoured - with the knowledge that your child trusts you and feels safe with you to the extent they can let it all out in your presence! 

Your child might be hungry or dehydrated.  At school perhaps they were too busy to think about being hungry or thirsty but somehow when they see you they know it’s possible to have a snack and they realise how ravenous they are! 

Your child might need to move after sitting still all day - this is especially the case for boys or kids with lots of energy. 

Your child might need to reconnect with you physically and/or emotionally after being away from you all day.  Even if your child is a bit older, being away at school all day is still a cause of separation and disconnection that could leave you child feeling a bit unsettled.

It could just be that your child is exhausted from having been busy and focused all day.

The after school meltdown could be due to one or a combination of these things. 

What can I do when My Child has an After School Meltdown?

Here are 10 Tips for coping with the after school meltdown:

1. Anticipate it ahead of time.  The more you can mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for your child having this little “outbreak” the better you will be at staying calm and helping them through it. 

2. Be present mentally and emotionally for your child.  Don’t just try to usher them onto the next part of the schedule and where possible, factor in a time buffer in your schedule so you don’t feel rushed.  Give your child 5 or 10 minutes of your focused energy and attention so that they can download and get out all that “stuff” they have been holding onto. 

3. Reconnect if possible - physically and emotionally.  For younger children, a cuddle would work well.  For older kids, even a hand on their shoulder can often work wonders to help them feel grounded again.

4. Meet meltdowns or attitude with empathy and reflective listening.  Say what you see and avoid any logic, reasoning or problem solving to later.  If your child tells you about something that happened at school, just be there to listen to them and empathise.  They are not looking for you to ask them a million questions about what happened or for your to “fix” any problem - they just want to tell you about it and likely, by telling you about it they will be processing what happened for themselves.  You just need to be there and listen.

5. Have healthy snacks and water on hand to offer as soon as they get out of school, especially if you know your child is prone to being hungry/thirsty or if you have a hunch they might not have eaten so well during the day.  Avoid offering processed foods/snacks or those with too much sugar or salt, as those might just exacerbate their fragile state.  You might consider snacks such as fruit, yogurt, cheese, hummus, and veggie sticks (instead of crisps, biscuits, sweets, chocolates, or ice cream).

6. Depending on your child’s age, temperament and energy level, you might also get them to MOVE as much as possible for at least 10-15 minutes.  Go for a play in the playground, jump on the trampoline, run around the block.  Movement will help them get out their pent up energy but also will help them release other “stuff” they have been holding in.

7.  Get them laughing.  Laughter releases feel-good chemicals in your body and lowers your stress response, so it's very effective as a "release" mechanism.

8.  Allow tears.  Like laughter, tears are a physical representation of release and allow for chemical changes inside to help your child process their feelings.  

9.  Avoid saying “how was your day?” and other closed questions.  (Grab the free download below on 10 questions you can ask instead to get your child talking!)

10. Don’t take it personally - it’s nothing to do with you.

Although the after school meltdown generally happens more frequently in the first few weeks and months of the school year, the reality is that it can happen throughout or at anytime during the school year.   

When it happens, know that it’s not your child attacking you or taking it all out on you. They are releasing all that “stuff” they have held in all day and need your help to process it all, feel safe and balanced again - physically and emotionally. 

If you can shift your perspective to seeing that they are processing rather than intentionally misbehaving, you’ll be in a much better position to successfully manage the situation and stay calm throughout supporting them.